AboutEugenia Springer, Ph.D. Expertise I can answer your questions on how to stop being a victim, and/or how to stop being an abuser. My ability to help you, however, would depend on your willingness to assume full responsibility for helping yourself.
Experience From the 1970s to the present, my life has been a search after knowing my purpose, knowing myself, and knowing God. I talk about this search in my 2002 book, "Further Insights Into the Journey".
After years of teaching biology at university, I became a radio Family Life Counselor, and a newspaper columnist, responding to callers on radio, and replying to letters from the public, in the newspapers.
My book for the adolescent girl, "Girl, It's All About You"(Review & Herald Publishers 1980, and out of print) was my attempt to marry my field of training--biology, and my adoptive field--interpersonal relationships.
"Further Insights Into the Journey" is about my search for personal freedom--a search for freedom from external controls; for freedom from fear. Through very instructive experiences, many sorely trying, I uncovered that freedom within me, and found myself progressively experiencing increasingly greater measures of peace.
To get your copy of "Further Insights Into The Journey" email me at hftpproductions@tstt.net.tt.
Currently I am the host and producer of two weekly call-in radio programs. You can access our station online at www.power102fm.com. My programs are:
(1) "Life & Living/Soul to Soul", Wednesdays, 11:00 AM to 12:00 Noon; and
(2) DIALOGUE, Wednesdays 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM. DIALOGUE connects our national radio audience with our Trinidad & Tobago/Caribbean Diaspora, and other listeners beyond our shores.
Access Dialogue by going to www.power102fm.com from 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM local Trinidad and Tobago time on Wednesday nights. Communicate with callers and studio personnel through our message board; or call any of the four telephone numbers listed: Toronto, London, Miami, and New York. Call through the number nearest you.
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Question I really feel that I need to run this situation by someone who is an expert so here goes.
Back in 2006 my daughter ended up in a relationship with one of her room mates. She had a pretty good head on her shoulders until she got mixed up with him.
In March of 2007 they skipped Idaho, ran out on what ever bills they owed and showed up in Vegas where my sister and brother live. My x's mother and sister live there as well.
Apparently he was expecting a free ride with any or all of her family members. He kept asking them all for money. He pretty much wore out his welcome. At this time I found out that he was one of the 10 most wanted in Cabarrus County, North Carolina. Here is his rap sheet: http://www.cabarruslaw.us/inmate_details.asp?lastname=carter&firstname=Blake&Sub...
I wasted no time turning him in. It took me a while, but I finally pushed them to extradite him.
I thought that she would then realize just what kind of guy she was dealing with and she was better off without him. Well after he was released from jail, his parents ended up paying for her to go to North Carolina to be with him because she let them believe that she had no where else to go.
After about 3 months, He started doing drugs again and he may have influenced her to as well. I got a phone call in September of 2007 from his parents saying that they disappeared again after a few unlawful acts. He has even wore out his welcome from his own family. He has violated his probation.
I finally heard from her in October. She called from somebody else's cell phone in Louisiana. She wanted to come and see me (in Florida). She got mad at me when I refused to give her our new address because I could not take the chance of him coming here and stealing from us the way he did from his folks and his grandfather. I never heard from her again until Jan.
They are back in Idaho. I have not met him personally, but when every member of the family, and his own parents say he is trouble, I need no convincing. My mother is afraid of him. He is controlling, and somehow he has got her brainwashed. He makes up the most outrageous lies, and somehow he has her believing that everyone else is lying. He has convinced her that his parents thought she was a piece of crap, when I know for a fact that they thought the world of her.
He wont let her go see her family without him. He has to be right there when she talks on the phone to one of us. He carries her foodstamp card in his wallet. He can't get food stamps because he doesn't have a valid driver's license. The other day while she was at my mom's he was yelling at her to go to work on her day off to pick up extra hours when he knew that she didn't feel good. They work at the same place.
Now she is pregnant and they are talking about getting married and it scares me to death! She is completely oblivious to his true nature. She has low self esteem and I feel that he is just preying upon her. She knows that the whole family disapproves of him, and he knows it too.
Anyway, he is listed as an ABSCONDER in North Carolina, and there is also a warrant out for a worthless check. I have the phone number to turn him in.
I guess I just wanted to be reassured that I am doing the right thing. I was kind of concerned if him being taken to jail was going to effect her pregnancy.
Answer Leslie,
Sorry for the delay in responding to you. I had problems with my Internet service.
I can get back to you in more detail later, but let me say that your daughter is in a classical abusive relationship. The isolation from those who would support her; using her money; insisting on dictating what she must do, these all add up to an abusive relationship, but there can be no abuse without one subjecting their self to abuse.
Your daughter evidently feels partnered with her "common-law spouse". Any behavior on your part that even smacks of rejection of him could further alienate her from you. She needs help but would be available for help only when she feels safe with, and understood by, you. You may not agree with her, but you can let her know that you are trying to understand how she feels.
About publicizing his rap sheet, how would this help? Be careful not to muddle your concern for your daughter with your anger at the man.
Talk with the Social Services people in your area. Tell them about the pregnancy, and ask their advice. They should also be able to arrange counseling for you. You need help so you could be in the position to help your daughter. Right now she feels alienated from you. This cannot all be the man's fault.
Attend to your mother-daughter relationship. Listen to how she feels about you, and address that. Once she feels you are trying to understand her, she might feel so appreciated by you she might no longer feel the need to enter a relationship at any cost.
No one would doubt that the man is bad news for your daughter, but he also is a victim. While he is not now your concern, remember, your daughter has a relationship with him. She cares about him. Remember this even as you reach out to her.
