AboutEugenia Springer, Ph.D. Expertise I can answer your questions on how to stop being a victim, and/or how to stop being an abuser. My ability to help you, however, would depend on your willingness to assume full responsibility for helping yourself.
Experience From the 1970s to the present, my life has been a search after knowing my purpose, knowing myself, and knowing God. I talk about this search in my 2002 book, "Further Insights Into the Journey".
After years of teaching biology at university, I became a radio Family Life Counselor, and a newspaper columnist, responding to callers on radio, and replying to letters from the public, in the newspapers.
My book for the adolescent girl, "Girl, It's All About You"(Review & Herald Publishers 1980, and out of print) was my attempt to marry my field of training--biology, and my adoptive field--interpersonal relationships.
"Further Insights Into the Journey" is about my search for personal freedom--a search for freedom from external controls; for freedom from fear. Through very instructive experiences, many sorely trying, I uncovered that freedom within me, and found myself progressively experiencing increasingly greater measures of peace.
To get your copy of "Further Insights Into The Journey" email me at hftpproductions@tstt.net.tt.
Currently I am the host and producer of two weekly call-in radio programs. You can access our station online at www.power102fm.com. My programs are:
(1) "Life & Living/Soul to Soul", Wednesdays, 11:00 AM to 12:00 Noon; and
(2) DIALOGUE, Wednesdays 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM. DIALOGUE connects our national radio audience with our Trinidad & Tobago/Caribbean Diaspora, and other listeners beyond our shores.
Access Dialogue by going to www.power102fm.com from 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM local Trinidad and Tobago time on Wednesday nights. Communicate with callers and studio personnel through our message board; or call any of the four telephone numbers listed: Toronto, London, Miami, and New York. Call through the number nearest you.
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Question Hi
I hope you can help me.I dated this guy about a year back.We dated for only a couple weeks.It kinda just faded and then we became great friends.My mom loved him and so did my sister.We spent alot of time together.We had alot of fun times together as friends.During this time he was going to college to become an EMT.He failed on that.Then gradually he moved away.And I moved on.About a year passed.Well just last week I decided to look him up on myspace and I found him.I wrote to him.He replied back with call me.Everything was good.We started talking.Hes in the marines now stationed in Hawaii.Then three days after we started talking he said will you marry me.i never gave him an answer i just said we gotta talk about it in person and that it was a shock to me.Mean while the next day he goes on and says baby i got you an engagment ring and i love you so much.When I wrote to this guy I did now expect a proposal.I expected it to begin like it ended last time we talked.Like good friends.I have been thro alot with guys.I was scared to even be this guys girlfriend let alone a freaking wife.He's like a little boy,he goes from one subject to another.He says hes getting out of the marines because he has panic attacks.When he has only been in the marines not even a year.So thats another thing he failed at.My mom called and tried talking to his parents,they are mean and nasty.I tired ignoring him but then it seems to get worse.He is now planning our wedding and i havent even told him yes...I do not want to marry this guy.I am only 19 years old.He's saying his father is a pretcher and he will marry us and we willl go to mariage concelling and that its gonna be a millitary wedding.Hes saying what i should wear.He told me hes going on websites looking at ideas for the wedding.Its like a run away train.My head is spinning,so are my mom and sis's.We dont know what to do.This guy wants to fly me to Florida where he lives to meet his family and spend time with him,yet when i ask him to come visit me and my family,he dont say a word about it.He dont really listen to what I have to say.I send him a text message and hes constanitly sending me pictures of himself.This is ruining my thought of even getting married,because im terrified.But when I say anything to him on the phone like calm down,im not going anywhere.he ignores it.It dont get through.Hes a sweet caring guy.He has a huge heart and his feelings are all out there.I dont want to hurt this guy.This guy has never hurt me or my mom or sister.Only been here for us...But I mean marrying me,planning wedding when we just reunited after 3 days...does this sound normal??????
Answer Carni,
Your life is still yours. This man might be a nice guy, as a friend. But his approach to the subject of marriage seems to be very immature. When you do get married it should be because you want to be married; and you would have a say in when, how, and where you get married.
If you have no desire to marry this man, no one can force you to. No one can even force you to correspond with him if you feel terribly pressured by him.
People can have an overpowering influence over us only when we give them our power; when we surrender our right to choose what we want. We do this when we are unaware of our intrinsic strength.
You are not weak. You are strong.
You are not an object to be picked up and married off. You are an intelligent human being who can choose what you would do and what you would not do; what ideas you would entertain, and what ideas you would definitely not entertain, regardless of who is pleased or who is displeased.
You do not want to hurt this man? That is understandable. But how far would you go to spare him from feeling hurt? People have to bear the consequences of their behavior.
If he crosses the line and presumes to usurp your right to have a say in whether or not you want to get married than he risks feeling hurt when you choose to look after your own interest, and pay no attention to whatever it is he is about.
In time he must understand that you are a person; someone with thoughts of her own; with ideas of how she wants to live her life. He may even come to understand that all you were looking for was the resumption of an old friendship; that you definitely are not looking for a husband. He must also understand that if your desire for the friendship is not to be realized, so be it.
You need to let this man know that you feel absolutely no obligation to be in love with him, much less marry him; that he has no hold on you. You and your mother, and sister, have to be firm about this. If you do not want to marry the man, why ask him to come to you to even talk. Be firm. Be decisive.
Do you think he would not be hurt if you slavishly allow yourself to fly to him or to go along with his wedding plans when you have no romantic interest in him?
You owe this man nothing. He might even discover that marriage to you is not the long term answer he is looking for. You might be actually doing him a great favor by standing as firm in your resolve not to marry or even entertain discussions about marriage as he is in his determination to get married.
When you are ready to be married, you would know, and you would give your consent. Till then, know what you want, and go after what you want. Give no one the power to send your head into a spin.
