AboutEugenia Springer, Ph.D. Expertise I can answer your questions on how to stop being a victim, and/or how to stop being an abuser. My ability to help you, however, would depend on your willingness to assume full responsibility for helping yourself.
Experience From the 1970s to the present, my life has been a search after knowing my purpose, knowing myself, and knowing God. I talk about this search in my 2002 book, "Further Insights Into the Journey".
After years of teaching biology at university, I became a radio Family Life Counselor, and a newspaper columnist, responding to callers on radio, and replying to letters from the public, in the newspapers.
My book for the adolescent girl, "Girl, It's All About You"(Review & Herald Publishers 1980, and out of print) was my attempt to marry my field of training--biology, and my adoptive field--interpersonal relationships.
"Further Insights Into the Journey" is about my search for personal freedom--a search for freedom from external controls; for freedom from fear. Through very instructive experiences, many sorely trying, I uncovered that freedom within me, and found myself progressively experiencing increasingly greater measures of peace.
To get your copy of "Further Insights Into The Journey" email me at hftpproductions@tstt.net.tt.
Currently I am the host and producer of two weekly call-in radio programs. You can access our station online at www.power102fm.com. My programs are:
(1) "Life & Living/Soul to Soul", Wednesdays, 11:00 AM to 12:00 Noon; and
(2) DIALOGUE, Wednesdays 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM. DIALOGUE connects our national radio audience with our Trinidad & Tobago/Caribbean Diaspora, and other listeners beyond our shores.
Access Dialogue by going to www.power102fm.com from 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM local Trinidad and Tobago time on Wednesday nights. Communicate with callers and studio personnel through our message board; or call any of the four telephone numbers listed: Toronto, London, Miami, and New York. Call through the number nearest you.
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Question QUESTION: I know I am emotionally and mentally abused- the physical abuse started mild and is escalating- I am a mother with 5 children- he always says he wants out, but he won't leave- he never has anything to do with the children unless we fight- he pushes me out the door and locks me out and keeps the kids inside with him- I stay for the children- I feel so helpless- my question- how do I know when enough is enough- I know that sounds silly, but all of my self esteem has been ripped from me and I feel that this is all my fault- he blames everything on me and the fights usually start when I have an opinion on something or I want to spend time with my family- my friends are long gone- he drove them away years ago- I feel so isolated - he is well liked in the community, he is in law enforcement- when I called the police, they stood around with him and laughed and told me to take some midol and work it out-they don't know what he is like- he also knows all of the judges and he says if I leave he will make sure he gets the kids and the house and I will be all alone-I am educated and I make a good salary, I can support my family without him-he already talks bad about me to the kids, I am afraid it will get worse if I leave-did I mention he cheats on me and is always thinking that I am cheating on him if I am a minute late getting home from work- or the phone rings and they hang up if he answers- yes my life hell, i am alwys defending myself
ANSWER: Lisa,
Classic case of the abusive relationship. The isolation, attack on your self esteem, the attempts to sully your reputation among others, the checking up on who you call, and who calls you. All is aimed at the outcome you are realizing. You have collaborated in making of yourself a victim. Now you alone can take yourself out.
I feel somewhat like a broken record here, recommending that persons in abusive relationships get to the Social Services people and let them help you. I do not think your husband would have the success with this agency that he evidently has with his cohorts in the protective services.
There should be some Police complaint board to which you can go that would not be subject to your husband's influence. Also, have you gone to counseling. The steps you take to protect yourself and your children can be pulled up as evidence when the matter goes to court.
But having said all of that, let us talk about taking back your power. You have felt beaten, and worn down. Meanwhile, your husband has felt stronger. Look at the behaviors you have adopted that smack of weakness, or/and fear. Let me help you work on changing those behaviors, so that you once again display strength.
I would like to work with you some more. Together we should find a way to help you. I look forward to your response.
Dr. ES
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: I feel to blame- I don't want to be a divorced statistic- but safety and happiness should be first- yes, I allowed this abuse to happen, I thought I could love enough for the both of us- he is always so angry with me, I am afraid to talk and say the wrong thing- he gets more abusive when I do speak up and stand my ground, and I do like the feeling that I am getting in control and feeling stronger- I took this action when my 5 year old called me a stupid bitch- something he always says, I realized that he is setting her up to be abusive- my older children- tell me to leave- I was hangin' on for them- but they have had enough- as far as social services-I am not ready for that- I am well known and it is a small town, it would shock the community- I am afraid I may lose respect with people I deal with in the community- I appear strong and am in a position of always helping others, but I can't help myself- I just keep waiting for it to get better- back the way it was when we first were married- we were so happy- now I feel he just looks at me with hatred- like I am keeping him from something-I asked him to love me or divorce me- of course that did not go well, he thinks I want to be with someone- I tried counseling- he won't go - and he made me stop- he said it was a waste of time and he didn't want to watch the kids while I was gone-He said I am psychotic and making most of this up- thats why I wrote you, I am confused, maybe it is me, I don't think it is-What makes me want to stay with him? I am stong-I think I am afraid of being alone- all I have known is how to be a good wife and mother- I liked being his wife- I was so proud of him, of us, our family- everyday I am unhappy, that should tell me enough- sorry to sound like a wet towel- there are so many thoughts in my head, I want to be sure they are rational, I need to make a plan- and move on- no more thinking it will get better, it will change- when will it? can I wait that long?
Answer Lisa, I have seen your follow-up. As a victim of prolonged abuse, you might say you could still get out of this on your own. But your history tells the real story. You are inherently strong, but have remained so beaten down for so long; and when you have your children in the situation, you don't want to leave them. Only someone who understands your pain and your experience could know that the answer will not be easy. But you either make a move or stay mired in continued disrespect and beaten down feelings of worthlessness. I think you should forget about what other people think or say. Many times what we think is secret is an open secret. People know when the smiles cover a multitude of emotional wounds. You would be in a better position to help your neighborhood if people start knowing that you are not immune from what they also might be experiencing. Your cover of secrecy gives your husband a shroud of decency to hide his abusive nature.
I say, go open. Start talking. Start talking. This is the only way to regain your strength. No more hiding. And the place to start talking is with a therapist in your area. Let them know. The police know, and they label you. Let those who won't label you, know. Let them know, then you yourself will be able to face the picture you have been painting of yourself, and seeing that picture clearly reflected by your therapist might drive you to stop playing the pathetic victim and to get up in your God given strength and set a fine example for other women in your region who just like you, might be suffering at home, and smiling on the outside, giving cover to men who are beastly at home, but cooing like doves on the outside.
