AboutEugenia Springer, Ph.D. Expertise I can answer your questions on how to stop being a victim, and/or how to stop being an abuser. My ability to help you, however, would depend on your willingness to assume full responsibility for helping yourself.
Experience From the 1970s to the present, my life has been a search after knowing my purpose, knowing myself, and knowing God. I talk about this search in my 2002 book, "Further Insights Into the Journey".
After years of teaching biology at university, I became a radio Family Life Counselor, and a newspaper columnist, responding to callers on radio, and replying to letters from the public, in the newspapers.
My book for the adolescent girl, "Girl, It's All About You"(Review & Herald Publishers 1980, and out of print) was my attempt to marry my field of training--biology, and my adoptive field--interpersonal relationships.
"Further Insights Into the Journey" is about my search for personal freedom--a search for freedom from external controls; for freedom from fear. Through very instructive experiences, many sorely trying, I uncovered that freedom within me, and found myself progressively experiencing increasingly greater measures of peace.
To get your copy of "Further Insights Into The Journey" email me at hftpproductions@tstt.net.tt.
Currently I am the host and producer of two weekly call-in radio programs. You can access our station online at www.power102fm.com. My programs are:
(1) "Life & Living/Soul to Soul", Wednesdays, 11:00 AM to 12:00 Noon; and
(2) DIALOGUE, Wednesdays 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM. DIALOGUE connects our national radio audience with our Trinidad & Tobago/Caribbean Diaspora, and other listeners beyond our shores.
Access Dialogue by going to www.power102fm.com from 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM local Trinidad and Tobago time on Wednesday nights. Communicate with callers and studio personnel through our message board; or call any of the four telephone numbers listed: Toronto, London, Miami, and New York. Call through the number nearest you.
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Question I have been married for 11 years but I believe that I deserve to be loved better than this. My husband cheated on my when we first got married when I was 8 months pregnant and we separated for over a year. We got back together after he begged me back and told me he would never do it again. Recently we separated again when he told me he needed time to find himself, he said he felt like this last years of his life were just and dream and confused him. During this time he had his own apartment and he had invited one of his old friends ( who was a female) that he grew up with over into his apartment just the two of them. He says he did not cheat but that they kissed and talked about everything( which both I consider cheating). He went to see a doctor and was diagnosed with bipolar disease and put on medication. After being on the medication he says he realize he cannot live without me and he loves me so much. He got a new job and we moved to a new state, he works so much and he is always to tired to make love. He is a HVAC tech which means he will work alot during the winter and summer not so much during spring and fall. I believe I was in a mental abusive relationship with the cheating( not verbal but mental abuse) should I wait and see if things get better after his medicine doses are correct( they doctor says it may take a little bit to get the right doses for someone first starting to take medicine for bipolar disease) and after he doesn't have to work so much? DO I wait and see if things will get better. We have 2 kids and he is such a great dad, just not such a great husband. I know people say you shouldnt' stay together for kids, but I love him and I know he loves me, I just feel like I deserve to be loved better, but than our kids won't get to see him only on weekends not every night. I am just so confused and my self esteem is just shot right about now.
Answer Angel, of course you want to be in a loving, mutually respecting relationship, and you deserve to be. Your husband's diagnosis with bipolar illness seems to be the reason for the undesirable episodes you have been experiencing in your marriage.
Should you stay with him to see if things get better? Even considering this option, feels painful. Once you are waiting and watching, the haunting question lingers, what if he does not improve.
It is not easy for anyone to live with a person who manifests mood swings, especially when the problem remains undiagnosed. The infidelity, and mental abuse, you describe are not uncharacteristic of marriages in which one partner's moods swing from mania to depression, lingering anywhere in between for varying, and possibly unpredictable, lengths of time.
You say your husband loves you and you love him, and you want to save your marriage, considering your two children, but not just for them, but for love's sake, for your home's sake, for your sake. You can do this. You can save your marriage, but you need to be part of an effective support group. You need help. Your husband's erratic behavior, when he is in the throes of violent mood swings, could be the result of a chemical imbalance. He, with the support of an effective psychotherapist, psychiatrist, and a vibrant support group, or with lots of self-study, could learn to manage himself and so minimize the volatility of his behavior.
Waiting and watching to see if there is a change, would not help. You might have to be an active part of the change process. Find out what to do and what not to do; how you can be supportive without being enabling. Search the internet, and/or your library, for information on bipolar disorder. Get involved in a support group that would help you,and the children, learn how to maximize the good times and minimize the bad times, when living with a person susceptible to mood swings.
All marriages have challenges. The rougher the challenges, the greater the potential for personal growth. Your worth is intact. It is intrinsic. You are lovable; you are good enough. That you feel badly about yourself is understandable, considering the emotional insults you have been enduring with a spouse whose bipolar disorder remained undiagnosed for so long.
You have to take care of yourself. No time for self-pity; no time for matyrdom. Your children need you. You need yourself. Stand strong and resilient. Stand with your spouse, as he takes responsibility for getting help for himself, and for being a caring father and spouse. You are not in this marriage just to be a mother, but also very much, to be an honored and appreciated wife. He must understand this.
Through the ups and downs of life, we have to take care of ourselves. What is the larger purpose of your life? Is it about reaping joy out of living?
Regardless of what is happening in your environment, you alone are responsible for maintaining your joy. The person you might be depending on to make you feel loved might himself be struggling with loving himself. So, accept the fact that you are intrinsically okay, and that ultimately, each of us stands alone. We work through our challenges together, but ultimately, each of us is responsible for our own happiness.
