AboutEugenia Springer, Ph.D. Expertise I can answer your questions on how to stop being a victim, and/or how to stop being an abuser. My ability to help you, however, would depend on your willingness to assume full responsibility for helping yourself.
Experience From the 1970s to the present, my life has been a search after knowing my purpose, knowing myself, and knowing God. I talk about this search in my 2002 book, "Further Insights Into the Journey".
After years of teaching biology at university, I became a radio Family Life Counselor, and a newspaper columnist, responding to callers on radio, and replying to letters from the public, in the newspapers.
My book for the adolescent girl, "Girl, It's All About You"(Review & Herald Publishers 1980, and out of print) was my attempt to marry my field of training--biology, and my adoptive field--interpersonal relationships.
"Further Insights Into the Journey" is about my search for personal freedom--a search for freedom from external controls; for freedom from fear. Through very instructive experiences, many sorely trying, I uncovered that freedom within me, and found myself progressively experiencing increasingly greater measures of peace.
To get your copy of "Further Insights Into The Journey" email me at hftpproductions@tstt.net.tt.
Currently I am the host and producer of two weekly call-in radio programs. You can access our station online at www.power102fm.com. My programs are:
(1) "Life & Living/Soul to Soul", Wednesdays, 11:00 AM to 12:00 Noon; and
(2) DIALOGUE, Wednesdays 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM. DIALOGUE connects our national radio audience with our Trinidad & Tobago/Caribbean Diaspora, and other listeners beyond our shores.
Access Dialogue by going to www.power102fm.com from 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM local Trinidad and Tobago time on Wednesday nights. Communicate with callers and studio personnel through our message board; or call any of the four telephone numbers listed: Toronto, London, Miami, and New York. Call through the number nearest you.
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Question I have been in this relationship for 10 years. During those ten years I have worked full time and taken care of the house and kids, bills....except fo rthe last 2 years. This was a mutual decision until our youngest starts school this coming fall. However, throughout the entire ten years I have been told not so nicely that he pays for everything. 'I'm paying. I'm the one that makes the money.' I have asked him if he realized how damaging that statement is. As with so many other issues I never get an answer. So, I've asked why am I here if I am not doing anything constructive or beneficial to anyone. I guess my money isnt enough to be considered money. I feel like that is an absolutely horrible thing to say let alone repeat it and think he's impressing anyone. Am I crazy?
Answer Lee,
Sometimes, in cases like yours, I ask myself, what is marriage about, if not about love? And if it is that two people are together because of love, why is all this hurt generated?
Your husband is giving what he has. And what many have is unfulfilled lives riddled with pain.
"The child is father of the man", William Wordsworth said. Emotional wounds in childhood, often unconsciously inflicted in a dysfunctional parent-child relationship often is at the root of these negative attitudes in adults. Who knows, could it be that your husband's memory keeps playing a message recorded in childhood?
Your challenge is to accept that your husband is not perfect. Stop responding to that trigger statement, "I'm paying; I'm the one that makes the money".
What if you focus on extinguishing your reactive response to that statement? What we ignore often goes away; what we respond to, tends to linger.
Surprise him the next time he says it. Be creative. Be positive. Instead of taking his statement as a put-down, hear him trying to say something. Compassionately, empathically, ask him for the story behind that statement. And thank him for whatever response he gives.
If you begin to show empathy and compassion, where before you responded with annoyance, you would feel more comfortable within yourself. Who knows, your husband might even come to realize that his words are heard, and do make an impact on you.
There is so much joy available to couples, and this joy can be accessed if at least one partner would let go of the annoyances that irritate.
Instead of being annoyed, listen empathically next time your husband says something that would normally upset you. Listen to him for his sake; to help him feel understood. Paraphrase what you hear him saying. Paraphrase with compassion in your voice. You would be changing the dynamics of the relationship. Instead of waiting for him to be caring and careful in the way he addresses you, you demonstrate the caring, through your intonation and attitude.
Give what you would like to get. Practice minimizing the negative, and maximizing the positive. Replace the criticisms with compliments; let your husband feel you are really trying to understand how he feels, even when he seems uncaring about your feelings. Not an easy thing to do? Maybe not, but you are about discovering your strength, and practicing right conduct.
