AboutEugenia Springer, Ph.D. Expertise I can answer your questions on how to stop being a victim, and/or how to stop being an abuser. My ability to help you, however, would depend on your willingness to assume full responsibility for helping yourself.
Experience From the 1970s to the present, my life has been a search after knowing my purpose, knowing myself, and knowing God. I talk about this search in my 2002 book, "Further Insights Into the Journey".
After years of teaching biology at university, I became a radio Family Life Counselor, and a newspaper columnist, responding to callers on radio, and replying to letters from the public, in the newspapers.
My book for the adolescent girl, "Girl, It's All About You"(Review & Herald Publishers 1980, and out of print) was my attempt to marry my field of training--biology, and my adoptive field--interpersonal relationships.
"Further Insights Into the Journey" is about my search for personal freedom--a search for freedom from external controls; for freedom from fear. Through very instructive experiences, many sorely trying, I uncovered that freedom within me, and found myself progressively experiencing increasingly greater measures of peace.
To get your copy of "Further Insights Into The Journey" email me at hftpproductions@tstt.net.tt.
Currently I am the host and producer of two weekly call-in radio programs. You can access our station online at www.power102fm.com. My programs are:
(1) "Life & Living/Soul to Soul", Wednesdays, 11:00 AM to 12:00 Noon; and
(2) DIALOGUE, Wednesdays 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM. DIALOGUE connects our national radio audience with our Trinidad & Tobago/Caribbean Diaspora, and other listeners beyond our shores.
Access Dialogue by going to www.power102fm.com from 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM local Trinidad and Tobago time on Wednesday nights. Communicate with callers and studio personnel through our message board; or call any of the four telephone numbers listed: Toronto, London, Miami, and New York. Call through the number nearest you.
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Question Well, to start with, I am 37 years old. I was raised in a "broken" home, there was a NASTY divorce, and chaos & arguing were a somewhat normal fixture for me, growing up. As soon as I was old enough to date, I "automatically" dated, for the most part, very toxic, emotionally/ /physically abusive guys. Overall, not ALL the guys I've dated were abusive; I've had these "windows" of healthy relationships. As I've gotten older, it has seemed to come quite natural for me, to understand the basics of human behavior, psychology, root behaviors, etc. I have gradually, thru the years, been able to kind of get more of a clear picture, as to why I've chosen to date some of the guys I've dated, in the past. I think I've always had low self esteem issues; and quite honestly, wanted some form of "male approval", from my father being absent, as a child. (Dad hasn't been absent in my adult years). Through it all, I've had serious stalkers, physical abusers, no one whom I had any business dating. Now, even though I know I'm not out of the woods yet, in becoming a healthier person; I'm really trying to be honest with myself. I feel that I am gradually becoming more confident, and many times, I can "read" a guy rather quickly- at least when it comes to dysfunction.
After all this, almost a year ago, I became extremely attracted to a friend of a friend. The 3 of us started hanging out together regularly, and I developed a crush on him. I didn't know him intimately; but I knew enough, straight away, that he would be wrong for me, to date. he was charming, cute, all that; but he smacked of a "controlling type." What did I do? I dated him, anyway. Early on in our relationship, he exibited anger, posessivness, this "intensity," wanted me to live with him, within 3 weeks of dating, warning bells were going off, everywhere. My turbulent past, at least, was serving as my learning curve, my compass. Still, I conciously ignored all the warning signs. Eventually, he was angry almost all the time, paranoid, blamed me for everything he'd be upset about, make empty threats. The whole time, I would think: "Yep. There's his insecurity, there's his abusive past rearing up, there's his MANIPULATIONS, his anger, his childish games. It took me 9 months to break up with him. I also actually cared about him, in spite of all of this. I WAS MISERABLE. Every sign was classic: began to isolate myself from family and friends, quit defending myself, spent my days constantly rearranging my life & it's every detail, to "prevent" him from getting pissed off (it didn't work). Finally, I left him. Of course he played the victim, so that he wouldn't have to be accountable for anything that went wrong with us. Then, he stalked me at my place of work (after the breakup), and everwhere I went. Eavesdropped on my conversations, would call me, beg me to come back, or, call me, and yell at me.
While I was going through this ugly relationship ( & breakup), I had become very close, very good friends with a guy whom I worked with. By the time I broke up with the abuser, my friend expressed his interest and love for me (a very gradual, natural progression, for the both of us). I didn't want to date anyone- after all, I was completely drained, and needed time to heal, and get my head together. But, it just so happened that my friend needed a new place to live because of an unexpected turn of events, and I needed a roommate, in order to keep living where I was. I was having growing feelings for my friend, and trusted them, because we had been such close friends, for over a year. I told him that I didn't want to date yet; but that I did in fact have feelings for him. My friend told me that he understood and respected that that was what I needed; but that didn't this "just make sense?" Well, it did. So, 2 problems. Problem #1). I love this man, who is now my boyfriend; but it has come back to bite me, that I didn't take any time to heal, and be alone; we rebounded. But at the time, I really didn't see the financial choice I had, and, I was having growing feelings for him. I am feeling overwhelmed with emotion, up & down, up & down. I keep having these reaccurring fantasies, of being single, and alone, but we've really just come so far together; we have spoken of marriage, and he really is one of my best friends. He even KNOWS that to some degree, I feel trapped; because I love him; but never took any time out to be by myself, and he's not open to us just going back afew steps. He has learned this much. I did tell him the truth. Problem #2): This one is REALLY beyond me...I am so ashamed...my abusive ex which I described earlier, has been part of my environment (we are on the same pool league together), but things have been relatively quiet- the dust finally settled. Now, he is starting to do things, to get my attention, and then when I do notice him, he completely ignores me. for some sick reason, I have found myself still able to be hurt by his behavior, and worse yet, still attracted to him. Of course I haven't followed through with this attraction; & actually, he's been quite mean, to me (staring at me when we're in the same room together, or "glaring," then being briefly nice to me, and when I react nicely back, ignores me). Games! games! games! Not only do I know better than to give in to this, but I already have a decent, nonabusive, healthy boyfriend in my life, whom, like I said, I'm now feeling like I was "robbed" (my own choice, I know) of having some down, single time, with myself, but I don't want to hurt him. My boyfriend is a wonderful human being, and has been an EXTREMELY patient & loving boyfriend. I don't want to hurt him, I want to be single though, and the worst part is, I'm actively (& successfully) fighting my attraction to my abusive ex. What bothers me, is that I don't quite understand how I can still be so sensitive, and so affected by my ex. I simply felt AWFUL about myself the other night, when he ignored me. Why? God! He was incredibly mean and damaged, while we were dating! and attraction? I actually felt so good inside, when my ex started paying attention to me, the other night. If this is just about attention, I think that I am the most sick, unworthy person alive. I don't want to repeat my old mistakes in life, in the name of "attention"....And I don't want to hurt others, or myself, anymore...I keep thinking that maybe I am somehow addicted to abusive relationships; but if so, I'm lost as to what the "pay off" is. I feel I've come so far, escaping such nasty relationships. Now, I'm just lost. Tired, disgusted with myself, confused. thank you for listening...Any insights will be most appreciated...........
Answer Wendy,
The payoff is the attention, no matter how trickling or how toxic. The rejected child within would do with any acknowledgement that she is worthy, that she means something, anything, to somebody, even to the manipulator.
You are more than your mind. You are also Spirit--that spiritual aspect that is your true identity. But the mind is so powerful. And though innately we know that we are more than the totality of our feelings of failure and worthlessness, the lies of inadequacy spawned in our childhood and nurtured through dysfunctional choices would wrack our brains with thoughts of personal inadequacy and feelings of abysmal emptiness.
We have to transcend the lies, Wendy. Truth proclaims itself, quietly and steadily, within us. This is why you can turn away, no matter how magnetic the pull to self destruction in sick relationships. A habit is a difficult thing to break. You can't hope to heal while repeatedly returning to the environment in which you feel vulnerable. You have to make a clean break.
Your life is about fidelity to yourself, not to boyfriend, old or new. Even if you decide to stay with the friend who seems to give the respect you have always wanted, why are you regularly visiting that place frequented by the old abusive boyfriend? The adult in you, must pull up the child in you that hankers for the trickling reassurance that you did not mean absolutely nothing to that former abusive, stalking boyfriend. You have to talk to yourself and bring yourself under your responsible control, no matter how difficult it feels.
You may want to leave the present boyfriend and be on your own. Right now, do you feel financially capable of being on your own? Would need for help with rent, for example, send you out there stumbling onto some other rotten choice (rotten choice, because you feel undeserving of a mutually respecting relationship)? Rather than tussle with two decisions at the same time, I suggest you focus on one, staying away from that place of recreation where you confront old demons (not without, but within). The former boyfriend is not your problem. His relationship with you triggers off feelings of worthlessness within you, allowing you to present yourself as accepting and therefore deserving of the disrespect he dishes out. He has his own story.
I suggest that as much as possible, you stay away from any toxic environment, and work with yourself. Give yourself time to heal.
You are a person, not a thing. You are important, special, worthy, deserving of love. Somewhere there, within the reputation you have built up around yourself; beyond the confusion and disappointment of the child within, is the real you. This is the source of your hope. You, beautiful, and waiting to unfold, are still there, the hopeful child, wanting things to be different. You have to make things different for yourself. No one else is coming to do that for you. A higher Power is in you; is your true identity. Call on that Power. Intuitively, you are aware of It. Stay focused on It, and you will find your way to peace.
If you definitely want space for yourself, and you know to yourself you won't rush into another self-depreciating relationship, but would stand firm in support of yourself, tell your friend. Take time out. If it is that you cannot stand being treated well, talk to yourself. You deserve to be treated well. Don't run from friendships that leave you feeling like a lady; but at the same time, take all the time you need to find out what deep in your soul you really need. The Spirit within will guide you to what is best for you, as you live true to yourself.
