AboutEugenia Springer, Ph.D. Expertise I can answer your questions on how to stop being a victim, and/or how to stop being an abuser. My ability to help you, however, would depend on your willingness to assume full responsibility for helping yourself.
Experience From the 1970s to the present, my life has been a search after knowing my purpose, knowing myself, and knowing God. I talk about this search in my 2002 book, "Further Insights Into the Journey".
After years of teaching biology at university, I became a radio Family Life Counselor, and a newspaper columnist, responding to callers on radio, and replying to letters from the public, in the newspapers.
My book for the adolescent girl, "Girl, It's All About You"(Review & Herald Publishers 1980, and out of print) was my attempt to marry my field of training--biology, and my adoptive field--interpersonal relationships.
"Further Insights Into the Journey" is about my search for personal freedom--a search for freedom from external controls; for freedom from fear. Through very instructive experiences, many sorely trying, I uncovered that freedom within me, and found myself progressively experiencing increasingly greater measures of peace.
To get your copy of "Further Insights Into The Journey" email me at hftpproductions@tstt.net.tt.
Currently I am the host and producer of two weekly call-in radio programs. You can access our station online at www.power102fm.com. My programs are:
(1) "Life & Living/Soul to Soul", Wednesdays, 11:00 AM to 12:00 Noon; and
(2) DIALOGUE, Wednesdays 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM. DIALOGUE connects our national radio audience with our Trinidad & Tobago/Caribbean Diaspora, and other listeners beyond our shores.
Access Dialogue by going to www.power102fm.com from 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM local Trinidad and Tobago time on Wednesday nights. Communicate with callers and studio personnel through our message board; or call any of the four telephone numbers listed: Toronto, London, Miami, and New York. Call through the number nearest you.
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Question I currently live with my 33-year-old fiance. He's a professional man with a MBA and a good job. He grew up in a small town where drinking was a popular past-time. He doesn't consider himself an alcoholic because he doesn't drink EVERY DAY. But, whenever he's in a social situation he's unable to control his drinking and usually ends up totally wasted by the end of the evening. If we go out with a group of friends or to a party, 98% of the time, he ends up being the drunkest one in room. Needless to say, I'm ALWAYS the designated driver responsible for getting us home safely by the end of the night.
The other night he was "going out with the boys" and told me that he may be calling me later to come pick him up because he knew he would be drinking too much. When he goes out with the boys, he doesn't usually want to come home until the bars close around 3 in the morning. I told him no. I told him that he should be mature and responsible enough to get himself home -- without endangering himself or other people. He was so mad that I said no, that he stayed out all night (supposedly stayed at a guy friend's house) without bothering to call me to let me know he was okay.
Am I being unreasonable by expecting this 33-year-old man to act like an adult when it comes to social drinking? The only friends he has that drink like this are single (no girlfriends or wives) and are not very ambitious professionally.
He thinks I should have agreed to come an get him, because it meant that he wouldn't be drinking and driving. I think it's good that he didn't want to drink and drive, but I don't want to enable his drinking problem by agreeing to be his taxi service whenever he wants to drink to excess (right now, he gets wasted nearly every weekend -- usually Friday and/or Saturday). What do you think?
Answer Lynn,
Are you being unreasonable by refusing to be an enabler? I think you know the answer to that. Of course you are not. Be proud of yourself that you took a stand.
Evidently you played the enabler role for so long this man came to expect you to be there for him. So he was mad that you did not facilitate him. Are you sufficiently self-respecting and self-loving, to acknowledge to yourself that this is the man's problem (that he stayed out all night and did not call; that he drinks excessively) and you could make it your problem if you so choose?
In our relationships we define our self to our partner; and they relate to us according to what we lead them to believe of us. Now that this man knows that you would not be involved in the old game plan, are you ready to redefine your role in this relationship? Will you be assuming some sort of responsibility for his drinking, or would you be giving wide berth for him to take care of his drinking problem?
Your boyfriend must feel terribly inadequate and socially paralyzed why he has to knock himself out when with friends. He should be in therapy.
Whatever his decision about how he will continue to manage his life, your power is always yours, Lynn. You may keep your power, and manage it responsibly, or you could give up your power to your boyfriend, and then complain about how unfair or inconsiderate he is.
