AboutEugenia Springer, Ph.D. Expertise I can answer your questions on how to stop being a victim, and/or how to stop being an abuser. My ability to help you, however, would depend on your willingness to assume full responsibility for helping yourself.
Experience From the 1970s to the present, my life has been a search after knowing my purpose, knowing myself, and knowing God. I talk about this search in my 2002 book, "Further Insights Into the Journey".
After years of teaching biology at university, I became a radio Family Life Counselor, and a newspaper columnist, responding to callers on radio, and replying to letters from the public, in the newspapers.
My book for the adolescent girl, "Girl, It's All About You"(Review & Herald Publishers 1980, and out of print) was my attempt to marry my field of training--biology, and my adoptive field--interpersonal relationships.
"Further Insights Into the Journey" is about my search for personal freedom--a search for freedom from external controls; for freedom from fear. Through very instructive experiences, many sorely trying, I uncovered that freedom within me, and found myself progressively experiencing increasingly greater measures of peace.
To get your copy of "Further Insights Into The Journey" email me at hftpproductions@tstt.net.tt.
Currently I am the host and producer of two weekly call-in radio programs. You can access our station online at www.power102fm.com. My programs are:
(1) "Life & Living/Soul to Soul", Wednesdays, 11:00 AM to 12:00 Noon; and
(2) DIALOGUE, Wednesdays 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM. DIALOGUE connects our national radio audience with our Trinidad & Tobago/Caribbean Diaspora, and other listeners beyond our shores.
Access Dialogue by going to www.power102fm.com from 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM local Trinidad and Tobago time on Wednesday nights. Communicate with callers and studio personnel through our message board; or call any of the four telephone numbers listed: Toronto, London, Miami, and New York. Call through the number nearest you.
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Question Dr. Springer: I am a 31yof from an abusive childhood and suffering from bipolar disorder.When my husband and I began dating 4 years ago I had just been recently diagnosed and was in treatment. After being treated awhile I went off my meds because I did not care for the psychiatrist. This led to a 3 plus year physically, emotioanlly, and verbally abusive relationship for my husband and no treatment at all for me. I have began serious treatment and have a wonderful psychiatrist and counselor. I have also taken it upon myself to take anger management classes and domestic violence therapy. My husband and I have been married for 2 plus years now and have a 7mos. old son. My husband is a stand up man, a captain, paramedic, and training officer at the fire department. He is so kind and supportive. But he recently told me that he did not know why he never said anything about the abuse or seek help for both conditions, but at some point he lost that husband connection with me and is not sure he can get it back. I am devestated. I cannot imagine life without him. And I never would have had a child had I suspected this would happen. I was, until I started therapy this time, completely oblivious to my how violent and cruel my actions were. He says he loves and cares for me deeply and always will, and that I will always be his best friend and he will always support me, but he is not sure he can get that connection back. He doesn't seem to want to try. I am sure out of fear. What can I do to try to rekindle the connection? And how do I get over feeling as the world will end if he leaves me? I cannot picture a future. AS for my son, I feel if his father does not think our marriage is worth fighting for (which is really out of character for him) and is meiserable because of me I do not want to put my sone through this. Please help. I feel so lost.
Answer Sheri,
We can live only one moment at a time. Fear would have us anticipate, and feel overwhelmed by, what has not yet materialized. Your husband is being honest as he tells how terrible the experience was for him. Love him enough to hear him; get an understanding of how much he wants to avoid any reoccurrence of that experience. Some family members describe the violence and hostility of the manic phase as going through hell.
Any disconnect he feels must be in response to the disconnect he must have felt coming from you when you were off your meds, and on the attack. You literally, were not your self at such times, for protracted periods. And if he did not know what he was dealing with, then it must have been so much worse for him. Love goes both ways. It must be compassionate, and also understanding. You describe a man who has tried to be a great husband. He stayed with you through that rough period, weathering the emotional blasts; quite likely, witnessing your refusal to take your medications that promised some relief for yourself and him.
Now, he needs your understanding. He needs you to understand that he felt beaten down; felt the connection with his wife strained, stretched, and slackened. He needs you to listen and understand that he went through hell.
Your past was packed with pain, but there was enough of the good times to have disposed you to being a caring wife who found some reciprocity in this wonderful man. You cannot go back and repair your abusive childhood. You cannot go back and erase from your husband's mind memory of a woman emotionally out of control, a woman whose behavior must have borne little resemblance to his wife. You cannot erase the past; and it would be insensitive of you to demand that your husband stop thinking of his own wounds and pay attention only to how you would feel if he withdraws for healing.
Right now he feels he cannot reconnect. If you consistently show compassion and empathy, he could come to realize that both of you could still make a go of this marriage. But you must show a willingness to understand how he feels.
I am glad you are in therapy. Your husband should also see your therapist so he could understand how to cope with any mood swings you might display. You, however, must take full responsibility for your self. Take responsibility for staying on your medication; take responsibility for your behavior.
I do not understand what you are saying about not wanting to put your son "through this". Just give of your best. Pray for yourself; pray for your family. Avoid asking for sympathy. Focus on loving your son; focus on relating to your husband out of love and care for him. In doing this you will be demonstrating love for yourself.
