AboutDavid Simonsen Expertise I can answer questions directly related to your challenging relationships. I will give you a straight forward answer to what I think the problem is.
Experience I have the experience needed to help you sort out how to work through your relationship. I meet weekly with people who have challenging relationships so let me help you!
Organizations AAMFT;AACC
Education/Credentials B.A. M.S. Marriage & Family Therapy
Question I currently live with my 33-year-old fiance. He's a professional man with a MBA and a good job. He grew up in a small town where drinking was a popular past-time. He doesn't consider himself an alcoholic because he doesn't drink EVERY DAY. But, whenever he's in a social situation he's unable to control his drinking and usually ends up totally wasted by the end of the evening. If we go out with a group of friends or to a party, 98% of the time, he ends up being the drunkest one in room. Needless to say, I'm ALWAYS the designated driver responsible for getting us home safely by the end of the night.
The other night he was "going out with the boys" and told me that he may be calling me later to come pick him up because he knew he would be drinking too much. When he goes out with the boys, he doesn't usually want to come home until the bars close around 3 in the morning. I told him no. I told him that he should be mature and responsible enough to get himself home -- without endangering himself or other people. He was so mad that I said no, that he stayed out all night (supposedly stayed at a guy friend's house) without bothering to call me to let me know he was okay.
Am I being unreasonable by expecting this 33-year-old man to act like an adult when it comes to social drinking? The only friends he has that drink like this are single (no girlfriends or wives) and are not very ambitious professionally.
He thinks I should have agreed to come an get him, because it meant that he wouldn't be drinking and driving. I think it's good that he didn't want to drink and drive, but I don't want to enable his drinking problem by agreeing to be his taxi service whenever he wants to drink to excess (right now, he gets wasted nearly every weekend -- usually Friday and/or Saturday). What do you think?
Answer Lynn,
My take on live in relationships are a bit different than some. When two people are living together there has been no covenantal commitment made and thus in my opinion there is no obligation you have to him nor he to you. So I don't think you are required to pick him up just because you are living together and call yourself boyfriend and girlfriend. I also don't think he has to stop drinking because of you guys living together. So that out of the way. This is the guy you want to marry? You want to have kids with him? If you are OK with this behavior then go for it, but this behavior won't change once you are married. It does sound like it irritates you a bit. So if you know now that it will continue while you go into marriage with him you don't have a right to complain about it 5 years into the marriage when he is continuing the drinking. It is helpful to be fully aware of what one is getting themselves into so they don't begin complain about it later. He drinks because he must think you are ok with it. If you are not then you need to see if he will stop, move on or be ready to put up with it for the next 30 years.
David
www.help4life.net
