AboutEugenia Springer, Ph.D. Expertise I can answer your questions on how to stop being a victim, and/or how to stop being an abuser. My ability to help you, however, would depend on your willingness to assume full responsibility for helping yourself.
Experience From the 1970s to the present, my life has been a search after knowing my purpose, knowing myself, and knowing God. I talk about this search in my 2002 book, "Further Insights Into the Journey".
After years of teaching biology at university, I became a radio Family Life Counselor, and a newspaper columnist, responding to callers on radio, and replying to letters from the public, in the newspapers.
My book for the adolescent girl, "Girl, It's All About You"(Review & Herald Publishers 1980, and out of print) was my attempt to marry my field of training--biology, and my adoptive field--interpersonal relationships.
"Further Insights Into the Journey" is about my search for personal freedom--a search for freedom from external controls; for freedom from fear. Through very instructive experiences, many sorely trying, I uncovered that freedom within me, and found myself progressively experiencing increasingly greater measures of peace.
To get your copy of "Further Insights Into The Journey" email me at hftpproductions@tstt.net.tt.
Currently I am the host and producer of two weekly call-in radio programs. You can access our station online at www.power102fm.com. My programs are:
(1) "Life & Living/Soul to Soul", Wednesdays, 11:00 AM to 12:00 Noon; and
(2) DIALOGUE, Wednesdays 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM. DIALOGUE connects our national radio audience with our Trinidad & Tobago/Caribbean Diaspora, and other listeners beyond our shores.
Access Dialogue by going to www.power102fm.com from 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM local Trinidad and Tobago time on Wednesday nights. Communicate with callers and studio personnel through our message board; or call any of the four telephone numbers listed: Toronto, London, Miami, and New York. Call through the number nearest you.
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Question Hello Dr. Eugenia. Here it goes; I finally became part of the abuse physically and verbally. This weekend my girlfriend choked me and beat me with a stick on the head, I finally pulled on her hair to get her away from me, she attacked me twice, but the realized I would retaliate and proceeded to throw things at me and break my car windows. I quickly barricaded myself in a room as to no be hurt or to hurt her.
History: I first met this girl at a bar and since I met her It has been an emotional rollercoaster, she has always been angry, chronic post smoker, binge drinker (now stopped), depressions, and has always hit me and called me names, always manipulate things to give me backhanded abuse. We separated for almost 5 months since she said she could not do this anymore and went off and dated another man. Then came back into my life super skinny and promised things would be OK. I love her to the hilt, but since we got back I felt insecure, and now things have gone from good to super bad. We are in therapy, and just recently changed therapist but I can live the rest of my life with this abuse and I know that I am now fully abusing also. Since I now hurl back abuse, and this weekend it finally escalated. We live together and it’s a small community, I don’t know how if I should continue with her and therapy or cut it off. We have been dating off and on for 2 ½ years. Lots of roller coasters, I know I have low self-esteem, and she does too. Both her mother and siblings are on anti-depressants, and she no longer will make love to me, and pretty much has shut me out. What do I do? I love her and I don’t want to leave, but my gut tells me she will eventually leave and I always give her the option of what she wants to do? She is super controlling. Thanks any advise is great.
Answer
Rather than recommend a book I would suggest that you read up on codependency. Enter "Codependent Relationships", in the browser, and read as many entries as you can. You would be greatly enlightened. And know that you are strong, capable, and adequate. You have problems when you give in to the lie of personal inadequacy. Your soul knows the truth and waits for you to live true to yourself.
I just entered these words, "How To Heal My Wounded Soul" in the browser and came up with some great entries. Among them was one recommending the following book: "Co-dependent's Journey to Heal the Wounded Soul" by Rachel Lieberman. Check it out on the internet.
Blessings.
Dr. ES
Hi,
Looks like you have been begging for punishment, doesn't it. But you know the source of your problem. You have settled for what you do not like. Evidently you do not think yourself good enough to have a healthy relationship.
Spend some one on one time with anyone and you could fall in love with them. Especially if the relationship becomes sexual, you could feel you would die inside if you do not have them even though you separated.
What should you do? Talk truthfully with yourself. Your happiness is never hinged on another. You bring pain to each other because you both are in pain. Do not expect to get respect for yourself from a person who lacks self-respect. The woman you describe is in deep emotional pain. If she is depressed and out of control when angry, she needs to be in psychotherapy. She cannot give you what she does not have.
I would not recommend that you take joint therapy. You each have your individual problems. If you care for this woman you would realize that her mind is not separate from her body. How can she share sexual intimacy with you if she is distressed? Why would you want to use her body for your sexual satisfaction when her mind is in such turmoil?
Have you tried talking out how you truly feel, just saying it to yourself, as one who talks in prayer? Just speak out to the universe. Word is power. If you know this relationship is not good for either of you, why not gather the courage to do what that still small voice within tells you to do. Guidance for your life could always be accessed from quieting yourself long enough to listen to that voice within.
