AboutEugenia Springer, Ph.D. Expertise I can answer your questions on how to stop being a victim, and/or how to stop being an abuser. My ability to help you, however, would depend on your willingness to assume full responsibility for helping yourself.
Experience From the 1970s to the present, my life has been a search after knowing my purpose, knowing myself, and knowing God. I talk about this search in my 2002 book, "Further Insights Into the Journey".
After years of teaching biology at university, I became a radio Family Life Counselor, and a newspaper columnist, responding to callers on radio, and replying to letters from the public, in the newspapers.
My book for the adolescent girl, "Girl, It's All About You"(Review & Herald Publishers 1980, and out of print) was my attempt to marry my field of training--biology, and my adoptive field--interpersonal relationships.
"Further Insights Into the Journey" is about my search for personal freedom--a search for freedom from external controls; for freedom from fear. Through very instructive experiences, many sorely trying, I uncovered that freedom within me, and found myself progressively experiencing increasingly greater measures of peace.
To get your copy of "Further Insights Into The Journey" email me at hftpproductions@tstt.net.tt.
Currently I am the host and producer of two weekly call-in radio programs. You can access our station online at www.power102fm.com. My programs are:
(1) "Life & Living/Soul to Soul", Wednesdays, 11:00 AM to 12:00 Noon; and
(2) DIALOGUE, Wednesdays 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM. DIALOGUE connects our national radio audience with our Trinidad & Tobago/Caribbean Diaspora, and other listeners beyond our shores.
Access Dialogue by going to www.power102fm.com from 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM local Trinidad and Tobago time on Wednesday nights. Communicate with callers and studio personnel through our message board; or call any of the four telephone numbers listed: Toronto, London, Miami, and New York. Call through the number nearest you.
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Question My boyfriend and i have been dating now for almost a year and a 1/2. I'm 19 and he's 21 and we moved in together about 7 months ago because we were both attending college in the same city. our relationship started off pretty rough because i really wanted a relationship but he didn't because of his past with his first love. Regardless that he didn't want to be with me seriously, he didn't want me to be with anyone else either. He used to try and push me away by saying mean things to me or somewhat embarrassing me in front of his friends. He told me his idea of the perfect girl, you know the one who pretty much waits on the guy hand and foot. i did everything from bringing him lunch at work, or packing him a lunch the night before, folding and doing his laundry, having food ready at midnight at his old apartment when he would get home from work, everytime he ate, i was the one who made it while he sat on the couch, and now its even worse. I don't remember the first time he hit me, but ever since it happened its only gotten worse. He's punched me in the stomach knocking the wind out of me, slapped me really hard across the face, choked me, pushed me, kicked me, punched me everywhere but in the face. He says he's never hit any other girl before, for some reason i'm the only one he's physically abused, but also emotionally as well. I haven't ever had horrible damage done to me except bruising and a cut on my lip, which i dont know if it was from him or us trying to hurt eachother. i do fight back but if i even try to touch him, he snaps and doesn't stop until i'm basically on the floor in terror and crying. All of our physicall fights are from verbal fights first. we know exactly how to push each others buttons. I'm not sure what to do, i love him, which sounds stupid, and i know he loves me, not enough to not hurt me obviously, but i wish there was a way for us to work this out, because we used to be pretty good together, but they say that once a guy hits a girl, and she keeps letting it happen theres usually nothing left to do but leave. There's nothing he wouldn't stop himself from saying to me, I'm afraid to walk away because i still love him, but i'm also afraid to stay. for some reason i really care about him, and after everything he's done to me i dont know how i could, but i do. what should i do? Any feedback would help. I dont know what to do at this point.
Answer Alison,
I am sorry that you feel so lonely that you felt you had to push yourself on to this young man even though he resisted living with you from the start. What is happening with you? Take time to think of yourself and why you behave the way you do. Are you trying to compensate for some lack in your relationship with your family? Have they been there for you? What is this driving hunger you feel for love?
Something about the blind way in which you seemed to have insisted that that young man set up residence with you, something about the slavish way in which you went to his apartment and gave service he did not solicit, service that evidently threw him into loads of conflict, seems to suggest that you were doing all this more for what you hoped it would get you, rather than as an act of love. I sense a sort of blind desperation in these attempts (described by you) to be of service to him. Blind desperation fanned by some feeling of abysmal lack.
Could it be that all this young man wanted to do was go to school and focus on his academic work? The lack of regard he shows you is indicative of someone in inner turmoil. And people are often thrown into inner turmoil when they are going against their deepest moral values. He might not know how to refuse the service you provide but if living this way is not what he had envisioned for himself at age 21, he might be at a loss to know what to do with what you have brought to his plate.
You have a need to feel wanted, Alison. You seem to have a desperate need to feel wanted. But you have to ask yourself how far you are willing to go to have that need met. Are you willing to take the emotional beatings you are presently subjecting yourself to?
You must be a nice girl, but you do not have to throw yourself on anyone to feel worthwhile. You do not have to manipulate a man with unsolicited kindness to get his attention. Anything you do to make a person feel obligated to you could lead that person to hate you because many people do not like feeling obligated.
People like to feel free to leave or stay in a friendship without anyone trying to make them feel guilty.
It is okay to love and leave. If you do not know how and when to leave, Alison, you run the risk of being kicked out. And you do not deserve such treatment.
Many people cut off relationships with people they love, if other things about the person were unacceptable. You don't want a man asking you to stay because of feelings of obligation. Leave people free room to want to be with you. Do not push yourself or your kindness on anyone. You can't feel clear and good about yourself this way. And you deserve to feel good and clear about yourself.
I suggest you go to a school counselor and talk about your situation. Find out what it is about you that leads you to develop a personality that begs for abuse. Know yourself, and resolve from here on to live honorably.
Be kind to yourself. Do not beg anyone to love you. Have the self respect to get up and go to your own apartment. Do not do for a man what he can do for himself, unless it is within a mutually respecting relationship. Do not beg anyone to love you. Be kind without being pushy. Attend to your school work, and excel. Take part in extracurricular activities that would put you ahead academically and professionally. Get involved in some group that seeks to contribute to the community. Find worthwhile activities in which to be involved. If you are hurting from any childhood abuse, or if you grew up in a home in which there was abuse, go talk about it and get your mind sorted out. You are precious. You are important. You are worthwhile. But you tell others what you think about yourself by the way you conduct yourself, and people tend to treat you as you show you want to be treated.
Read books on self development. College is about preparation for life, and as a college graduate, you want to be a role model, not a sorry-state abused woman, throwing herself here and there. Respect yourself. Know your worth. Find a church going family to stay close to; adopt a family, or seek to have a family adopt you, if you are looking for a family. But get to the truth about your worth and stop underselling and undervaluing yourself. You are intrinsically important! You are intrinsically good enough! But only you can conduct yourself truthfully.
