AboutEugenia Springer, Ph.D. Expertise I can answer your questions on how to stop being a victim, and/or how to stop being an abuser. My ability to help you, however, would depend on your willingness to assume full responsibility for helping yourself.
Experience From the 1970s to the present, my life has been a search after knowing my purpose, knowing myself, and knowing God. I talk about this search in my 2002 book, "Further Insights Into the Journey".
After years of teaching biology at university, I became a radio Family Life Counselor, and a newspaper columnist, responding to callers on radio, and replying to letters from the public, in the newspapers.
My book for the adolescent girl, "Girl, It's All About You"(Review & Herald Publishers 1980, and out of print) was my attempt to marry my field of training--biology, and my adoptive field--interpersonal relationships.
"Further Insights Into the Journey" is about my search for personal freedom--a search for freedom from external controls; for freedom from fear. Through very instructive experiences, many sorely trying, I uncovered that freedom within me, and found myself progressively experiencing increasingly greater measures of peace.
To get your copy of "Further Insights Into The Journey" email me at hftpproductions@tstt.net.tt.
Currently I am the host and producer of two weekly call-in radio programs. You can access our station online at www.power102fm.com. My programs are:
(1) "Life & Living/Soul to Soul", Wednesdays, 11:00 AM to 12:00 Noon; and
(2) DIALOGUE, Wednesdays 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM. DIALOGUE connects our national radio audience with our Trinidad & Tobago/Caribbean Diaspora, and other listeners beyond our shores.
Access Dialogue by going to www.power102fm.com from 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM local Trinidad and Tobago time on Wednesday nights. Communicate with callers and studio personnel through our message board; or call any of the four telephone numbers listed: Toronto, London, Miami, and New York. Call through the number nearest you.
.
Question I have a girlfriend whom I'm with for almost 3 years now. There was a small hint of trouble at the start when she got mad at me and complained that I was not spending enough time with her. We are both students at a university and as we are staying in hostels so we get to meet each other only outside the dorms. I'm unsure if her demand was unreasonable or was I really was paying too little attention. I would call her out for lunch/dinner. We would also take walks, go for ice cream or just spend time together outside the dorms. However I do have a hobby of playing computer games at an internet cafe with my classmates which I usually spend about 1-2 hours a day right before dinner after which I would give her a call. She was really mad and was crying over the phone as she said I was not giving her priority and would only call her for dinner AFTER I've spent time with my classmates. We then moved in together into a nearby apartment. She would get jealous of everything that I pay attention to. She would throw tantrums many many times a day when she felt that I wasn't paying her enough attention or when she felt I did something wrong (I don't think she believes in forgiveness or simply conveying the message across with a simple statement like "Can you please don't ........"). Whenever she gets mad I would soothe her and talk to her for varying times of 1-3hours to calm her down for which the duration she would just stare away from me and not say a single word. I always end up being the one making the apology no matter whose fault it was. Simply because at heart I wanted to try to make things work. I might've been wrong. On the contrary, when I'm feeling mad and hurt she would have little patience making sure I felt better. She would spend about 5 minutes doing that OR she would get mad because I was angry at her and again I would be the one who ends up apologising. She also has trouble apologising and tells me she has always been this way as her dad would never scold her and she never had to apologise to even her dad. She is very rude sometimes but now I just brush it off as it's just her being herself. She says that this is how she talks to people she is close with because she does not have to pretentious. Does she lack empathy? I'm asking this because she seems to have little regard for my feelings sometimes while expecting to know how she feels about most things and how she's feeling at the present moment. She will also mostly assume that whatever she likes I will like it and becomes very upset when that's not the case. I know I'm not perfect either but I'm not getting any happiness from this relationship from being perpetually pandering to her. I always thought that being the man I should have the bigger heart to easily forgive things but I now that I haven't been happy for a long time I think something is seriously wrong.
Answer James,
Sorry for the delay in responding. I have been reflecting on this letter, seeking to comprehend the dynamics between you and this girl. Well, she has been honest, hasn't she? She has been accustomed to being pandered to. She was not required to honor her father's feelings, or the feelings of others, as she grew up. Experience must have taught her, however, that to survive in a relationship she must pay some attention to the other person; but it seems she does not know how to do that for too long. Five minutes, you say.
Your intent is so honorable. I also, have often felt that true manhood is characterized by a big heart, lots of self-restraint, the ability to overlook so much! But being big-hearted is one thing; habitually subjecting yourself to the disregard of a girlfriend who evidently seems to be spoilt, is another. It is more like submitting yourself to punishment. And, why? For what?
You can always move on, James. Not every relationship we hoped would be lasting becomes lasting. Learn what you can from this relationship and determine the price you are paying for staying with this person. Is whatever you are benefiting from this relationship worth the price?
