Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 3/5/2008

Question
I have been seeing this guy for a year and a half. It started off on the wrong foot. He told me several times he didn't want a commitment from me, but wanted to continue to sleep with me every time we were together. He had a lot on his plate (selling drugs) and didn't want to involve my life in that until he quit. He apparently liked me enough to keep me around though. The first 8 months of our relationship were games, lies, and deceit on both ends. When he finally "committed" to me after he got busted for dealing and got put on house arrest. the loyalty in our relationship seemed to get better, but the trust was still not there. I have huge trust issues with him and he had huge trust issues with me. Everywhere I go is questioned and everywhere he goes is questioned. I know its unhealthy and I know it needs to end. We have broken up a dozen times and every single time I break up with him for being a complete jerk to me, he comes back and makes me feel like I made a huge mistake. He doesn't out-right say that, but he acts like the best guy in the entire world. He treats me different, he tells me stories about how much he loves me and fights for me, he tells me instances of how he puts me first above everything- and just makes me feel like my decision to be away from him is a mistake. I recently gave him a pretty bad poem saying how I felt and telling him I felt stuck in the relationship- his response was "I understand how you feel and I get it, I know you can't change how you feel and I am going to try to ease out of this relationship for you" He pretty much said he wants to give me what I want, but its going to take him time to do so... (while he acts like the beeest guy in the world and makes me feel like im making the biggest mistake for leaving him). He continues to tell me how much he needs me there for him, and how I haven't been at all. (making me feel bad) and I just dont know what to do... I feel like I should be there for him since his Grandmother just died, since he doesn't have a steady life at all, and since no one in his life cares about him except me, but the majority of my thoughts are about how I dont want to be with him and how we don't have any similarities. He doesn't seem to enjoy any of the same things as me. I feel like I should just wait until his life gets back on track to see if things get better between us like he promises, but I am sick of waiting. I know a year and a half doesn't seem like a long time, but I feel like its been forever. How do I just put an end to the continuous circles? How do I put my foot down and just say enough is enough and not FEEL BAD for my decision to leave and try to find happiness? every single time I tell him I don't want to be with him I regret it.

Answer
Oh Amanda, Life!  It is a challenge, isn't it?  And the challenge is not in the things that happen to us or around us, but in the way our early upbringing has disposed us to process information coming at us.

You have huge trust issues with this man because you have huge trust issues, period.  He has huge trust issues with you, because he has grown up with huge trust issues.  

You were both the way you are before you met each other.

Think about your childhood.  Of course you can't help but think of it.  Your attitudes to this man have everything to do with the attitudes you felt to some of those folks you grew up with.

Staying around this man and taking frequent guilt trips with him won't change the dissatisfaction you feel.  You chose him because of the problems you were having in feeling good enough about yourself, and worthy enough, to be loved.

What is the pay off in this game you find yourself playing? His grandmother died, and you feel compassion for him.  That is okay.  You do not owe it to him to be with him to comfort him.  You do not owe it to him to be with him till he feels strong.  You do not have to sell your body to comfort this man.  He is responsible for taking care of himself.

Abuse escalates gradually, at times.  The longer you stay in the situation, the more difficult it can be to get out.  The more you give in to this man the more obligated you could feel to stay, even though staying with him is killing you because you know that the way he conducts his life is not the way you want to live, granted you are not now conducting your life much better; but at least, you know you want to do better.  Stay too long, and it could become more difficult for you to leave.

Let me repeat, you do not owe this man your life because you feel sorry for him.  He is studying you.  He knows how to get to the soft spot in your heart.  He knows how to work on your sympathy. But getting your sympathy is not going to help him.  He has to desire something better for himself, and he has to believe he is capable of getting more out of life.  You cannot help him if he won't get up and help himself. Meanwhile, you have a lot of work to do with yourself.  

You think being with a man can bring happiness?  It can't.  You need to take time out to find out who Amanda is.  Find out why Amanda has sought out a person with this kind of character to be a companion.  Why?

You are strong.  If you know that this situation is not for you, what is holding you back from claiming what you want from life?  When you realize that time is going, age is coming, and you want to live, you will get up, and move on, without looking back.  Till then, you alone would decide how much time you would spend back here, muddling in false guilt and unhelpful pity.

Dr. ES