AboutEugenia Springer, Ph.D. Expertise I can answer your questions on how to stop being a victim, and/or how to stop being an abuser. My ability to help you, however, would depend on your willingness to assume full responsibility for helping yourself.
Experience From the 1970s to the present, my life has been a search after knowing my purpose, knowing myself, and knowing God. I talk about this search in my 2002 book, "Further Insights Into the Journey".
After years of teaching biology at university, I became a radio Family Life Counselor, and a newspaper columnist, responding to callers on radio, and replying to letters from the public, in the newspapers.
My book for the adolescent girl, "Girl, It's All About You"(Review & Herald Publishers 1980, and out of print) was my attempt to marry my field of training--biology, and my adoptive field--interpersonal relationships.
"Further Insights Into the Journey" is about my search for personal freedom--a search for freedom from external controls; for freedom from fear. Through very instructive experiences, many sorely trying, I uncovered that freedom within me, and found myself progressively experiencing increasingly greater measures of peace.
To get your copy of "Further Insights Into The Journey" email me at hftpproductions@tstt.net.tt.
Currently I am the host and producer of two weekly call-in radio programs. You can access our station online at www.power102fm.com. My programs are:
(1) "Life & Living/Soul to Soul", Wednesdays, 11:00 AM to 12:00 Noon; and
(2) DIALOGUE, Wednesdays 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM. DIALOGUE connects our national radio audience with our Trinidad & Tobago/Caribbean Diaspora, and other listeners beyond our shores.
Access Dialogue by going to www.power102fm.com from 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM local Trinidad and Tobago time on Wednesday nights. Communicate with callers and studio personnel through our message board; or call any of the four telephone numbers listed: Toronto, London, Miami, and New York. Call through the number nearest you.
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Question hello,Iam in a confused state of mind and & terribly feeling low and dejected so i kind of need to vent out the pathos inside me,please help;
Its been four years iam marraid now& its unique because from the day one literally iam spending a lonely life as i had a life a far cry from any newly wed couple.
we had no phisical intimacy which came as a shock to me coz every thing was normal during our three year long courtship.
1.in the 1st phase of our marraige he spent the night sleeping as he was extremly tired & frustrated with his work.
2professinally he was feeling dejected & told me his hard labour and sincerity toward work is not paying off.he was fired two times and was jobless for more than six month in the 1st year.
3.there was a major financial crisis and we were somehow managing.
4 He said he suffered from sleeping disorder.
this is how my new life began a far cry from a dream but i was never this unhappy as he made me belive that every thng will change including job ,his passion for me with time and i kept tthe faith ,i was truely happy as i loved him too much and wanted to believe him.
i never let him feel low an had faith that every thing will be fine but what was strange was he showed no intrest in improving &doing the things he promised to change whatsoever,i spent ,night after night sobbing in distress & he was in a deep sleep right next to me, he felt guilty only when i complained him & vowed to change every time i asked him........... on my initiative i took him to several doctors for sleeping disorder & sexual disintrest but nothing helped as he had no intention to follow thier advice,my patience eventually gave way to fits of anger in dispair & frequent fights which would only end with me feeling extrmly tired & low as i would leave eating &slip in to depression but he would keep to himself cornered to one room ,all the initiative to reconcile was from my side , and he would confess that he was extrmly guilty so had no face to come up, for one day he was very sweet and then it was all over same again.one thing was striking that he never was very abusive or voilent during our brawls but he was uneffected,and absolutly normal with everyone else.with time our fights and his meaningless confession increased.but from outside we were a picture perfect family, there were though lot of time when he confessed that ihave done lot of good to him in many ways & much co-operative than him & he will soon change everything, but nothing happend, iwas not frustrted with financial crunch as much with his attitude toward life and me
whenever he wanted me to do anything for him he would simply shower me with praises for my endurence to stay with him in such situation make me get things done & soon he would change once its over....all this while when it was over two year i hid this from my family & cried in lonely but later when my parents got to know this he was uneffected.
let me tell you that i have been a dutiful & dedicated wife always as i always preffered to take his side even when my parents complained, never demeaned him for his professional failure &adjusted with all the financial up & down,always good to his family in return only expected his love & care
after three year it was his demand for a baby as i dint wanted to bring a child in our bad marraige,but again he convincingly made me belive that he will change with the baby ,i believed him and during this time he would try making love to me i concieved within a month.again the same story started,only with a difference to my shock he was getting abusive verbally and showing extremly bad temper.
It was a major change in his attitude from the third year onward of our marraige,
1.he was expressive &very abusive,
2.abuse me infront of my parents,i requested him many times not to do it infront of them but in vein,he pretend to understan later but would do the same in petty things also
3.blame my parents that i have been extremly demanding and very impulsive person.
my pregnency went like this i could never imagine aperson who was so cold before how could be so volatile emotonally now even ignoring the feelings of a pregnent woman,basically he would do everything only when complaind about,
like my desire to eat,read or wear certain thing otherwise oblivious,alas!love cant be achived by complaining.during the fights he would not bother wether i ate or not or anything else just days after reconciallation he would be extremly caring,thier were many incidences of fight like this.
now my baby is in his seventh month,nothing has changed in my life after my child we hardly made any love barring once or twice only with my inssitance that too,he is oblivious in everything about me,busy with his office.every thing remain same in my life only few major chnges arethat i have developed many deseases , not keeping well at all,he has a major attitude chnge,
he raises his voice very fast
hates whwn i cry
blatantly says he tried to do everything for me but if things dosent chnge its not his fault,what i have done all wives does
deliberatly fights infront of my parents & have absolutly no resp[ect for them,dosent care showing his devlish side
and absolutly at ease after abusing me with harshest words with no trace of guilt.
pls tell me my son is very young at this moment i feel dejected as after four long year of wait i have got this ,i only wanted his love and care but i no longer long for this as its never going to happen i only worry about my babys future, icant work as he is too young may be another 2 month iwill work but should i stay with him for my sons sake or leave him for my sake?
i faithfully co-eperated with him understanding his problem
Answer Puja,
From what you say, you have tried to be a good wife. Many of us learned that it is our duty to defer to our husband. The expectation is that if a wife defers to her husband, she would be appreciated and therefore they both would be able to cooperatively take care of their family. Problem is that not all husbands are truly husbands. Sometimes they are just men who come into the marriage with truckloads of baggage. Crushed under their emotional load, they sometimes see their wife's reasonable expectations as additional, and unwanted, pressure, as some burdensome nuisance.
Admittedly, it is tough on the man. He sees before him another human being who is so reactive to his every mood and communication, at the same time his head is packed with whatever his issues are. He is not managing well, and here in front of him is this woman, with a brain as good as any, who is looking to him for cues. Meanwhile, he is inwardly writhing under the memories, the perceived failures, the dimmed dreams, and the crushing reality that nothing is really going well for him.
Through all of this, you, the wife, might be seeing, only what this man is doing to you.
And you wait around this man, looking for him to relate better to you, waiting for him to calm down and communicate lovingly with you. And you complain and react when you don't get the response you desire from him, a response he is not equipped to give. You complain when he can't writhe away from his pain long enough to soothe you and like the loving big daddy, assure you that everything will be all right. And you opine, why did he take me if he knew he did not love me; as though you are an object that could be picked up and put back down.
Well, some men can't, they just can't give what a woman expects, and they can't give it because life did not prepare them to give what the woman is whiningly, or petulantly, demanding. In their head they live with their pain, with their disappointments, with their twisted perception of their worth, contoured against the background of past social interactions.
And so, the man communicates in anyway that would help him survive the moment. He hits out because he can't stand the feeling he gets when in confrontation with you, or with anyone whose communication with him forces his eyes to rivet on reflections from which his soul cringes. He hates feeling like a failure; and the demands and criticisms seem to push up to his face a mirror showing him what he desperately tries to avoid seeing--what he is NOT.
He pulls away, and holds his body with its energies, locked up as much as possible, leaving you to cope with the streams of tension, and your interpretation of that tension, as he pulls away.
You had lots of warning signals, but you hoped and hoped that the ideal husband would be eventually revealed; and your husband promised to exit the cocoon of withdrawal. But even though he wants to come out, he can't, not if he is overwhelmed with fear, of whatever. What looks like rejection and disinterest is sometimes just the disguise under which fear, crippling fear, is hidden. Fear of what, you may ask. Only the individual knows. That it might seem irrational, or stupid, to you is not what is important. What is important is how this man feels. Our reality is in how we feel.
That he has brought along with him some memories, and interpretations of those memories, that have him now locked up within himself, wanting a wife, but unable to be a husband, is the outworking of fear.
So of course he would hit out; of course he would push off (disrespect) anyone who threatens to get too close to see what he is hiding under that personality he has structured for himself. Only when he realizes that he does not have to be a slave to his past; that regardless of what happened, life could work for him if he accepts that which he cannot change, and change that which he can; only when he realizes that right where he is, he is okay, he is precious; he has great worth; only then would he know relief.
He could decide now to break away from that painful hiding place--withdrawal.
He would need, however, to be persistent.
The energies he is investing in hiding and ferociously defending his hiding place could be allowed to flow into a new strategy for survival. He could now practice openness.
Determination bolstered by prayer could bring him to this new reality.
And he would learn that his worth as a person is undiminishable, and that by assuming a self-loving, self-accepting attitude, and making kindness come out of him, he could slip out from under that load of guilt, or shame, or whatever has him so locked up.
Abusive people are people struggling with shame, guilt, and self-rejection. And no one changes because someone else wants them to change. The way people are is the way they have learned to survive. No one is going to abandon what for them is a safe place, no matter how dysfunctional that place (state) may seem to be, unless they recognize a viable alternative.
See what you are working with, Puja? So, for how long would you, with your already emotionally abused seven month old be waiting around for love and acceptance, and displays of appreciation from this gentleman?
All the warning signs were there after the marriage. How could they not be obvious during courtship? Your story must be a warning for young girls.
One thing is clear, you cannot depend on this man to responsibly husband you. The longer you stay in an abusive relationship the tighter you pull the noose around your freedom.
Assume full reasonability for your happiness. Do not yield your mind to the control of any other, apart from the Divine Ultimate.
