About Francis Hosein Expertise I can answer questions on relationships; marriage, abuse, controlling relationships, successful relationships, codependency, father and daughter relationships,
I can answer questions on psychics, mediums, paranormal phenomena.
Experience relationships, psychic readings, setting goals, meditation, tai chi, therapy, yoga, massage. neuro linguistic programming
Education/Credentials b.a. in psychology, therapist in NLP, degree in chi nei tsang massage.
medium for over twenty years. Tai chi teacher for 27 years.
(sorry for the long note but it is a complex situation). I am now for 1.5 years
with my gf. I am 30 and she is 28. It has been a difficult relationship for a
long time now. We had lot of arguments that ended in big fights (never
physical). When we are good she is the most lovely and caring person and I
think I am very caring too. To me the pattern is always the same… it does
not matter who starts the discussion (we are both stubborn) at the end she is
really mad to me and tells me names and insults me, or says very harmful
things (You are an “asshole”, “emotionally numb”, *ucking idiot) I never call
her names but I can get agitated on trying to make a point, until she bursts.
Sometimes I don’t see the discussion coming, but it comes and once I am
into it; it is going to end up bad. I try to calm us but too late. Lots of times
she has left my house, bar or wherever we are without mattering to her that
she lives 1 hour by train and that trains don’t run by night over here!. We
have blamed the cultural differences for a bit. I am living in Holland and She
is Dutch and they are very straight forward persons, specially when it comes
towards sharing past relationships and sexual encounters. I am not that easy
on that. For me, I dont need to know the specific things from her past
(although she wants to tell everything! and me to tell her everything). Truth is
that I have never asked much from her ex’s as it triggers a lot of insecurities
in me. I have told her this but her answer has been… “it is fine, just ask”… “I
don’t understand why you cannot hear this”. She is also able to talk about
good things and painful things at the same level, with the same detail, while I
find it really hard to talk about failures and bad experiences.
Due to this behaviour I have she has blamed me always not to be an open
person. To not share stuff and not to be interested in her things. To be very
close. To be honest I feel that I could have been much more open to her but I
have developed to be a more close person that I want to be. It is not that I
don’t listen to her or I tell her stuff when she asks, but she wants me to keep
asking her all the time…I have been now for two months in counseling and I
have discovered pretty revealing stuff for me. I lost my father when I was 9
and that really was painful and still is, and I feel and have abandonment fears.
Also I have not had healthy deep relationships in the past, but I feel I have
been used and not really cared for. It has been really difficult for me to share,
to be open as I don’t want to be hurt, to be adandoned later. I would love to
be much more open and tell her and share everything with her… but it is
difficult for me.. so much and she does not have patience anymore. If I talk to
my shrink and don’t tell her I did she gets mad. That I am not open. I tell her
that I want to be more open, but she tells me.. start showing it! On top.. it is
always the same pattern.. We discuss, she accusses me of not being open…
she calls me names, makes it hard, tells me directly that she does not know if
she wants to be with more anymore, that she will start thinking in herslf first.
This can go for 6 hours… Then, I tell her that I feel like a failure o her, and
after I ask for forgiveness (almost begging), that I will be more open, and I
start sharing painful stuff that will make me cry then she will get close to
me… I feel that she really makes it hard on me as if she is grounding me and
it is so hurtful. I also feel that I have not been true to myself. All the time I
have said that I will change and apologise and ask for forgiveness… even
when I think I am not wrong. I have the feeling that she can change the
situation so I am the one to blame on not being open.
My gf is now going towards lots of issues. Her father is an alcoholic that came
back from rehab 2 months ago and her brother is a drug addict in rehab now
(he has consumed every single drug it exists and have made her life
miserable since she is a child). Lately, she blames me a lot that I don’t ask
her how is she feeling… If we are at the phone and I ask her “Hey Hi, How are
u?” she gots mad she says it is just a cliché and I am not really asking her on
how is she really feeling or that I am interested… She wants me to specifically
ask “How are u feeling with the fact that your brother is suffering a lot and is
in rehab..etc”. It is crazy!!!! I felt so insecure and don’t know what to ask
anymore anything! So I close down… so she bangs into me because I am
close and there you go the downward spiral.
Couple of months ago I made the mistake of telling her two lies. They were
stupid / childish lies. Truth is they are about two past relationships (hurtful
for me) and I Iied cause did not want to be judged. Things like… “Yeah Last
time I saw my ex was 3 or 4 yrs ago” No actually I lied it was just before I met
you, 1.5 yrs ago, but I don’t have any feelings or contact at all.. I guess she
does not even know I am with you”…(I tried to stress the fact that I don’t talk
to her but she takes it as I am hiding her!!!) Really minor stupid lies to be
honest. I rectify myself 10 minutes later and told her how things are really.
Too late. She is still thinking I am a “mf liar”. She told me she has insecurities
on that due to her past relationship and every time now that we have a fight
she says that I want to be with my ex, that I want to go back to be with her..
it is crazy! Does not matter how I say that there is nothing there…That I love
her and she is the most important person for me… still she thinks I have
something for my ex.
On Xmas me were on vacation with my family and she made some scenes
cause she thought that my family was not real. We were too good to each
other. Nothing burst, all hugging. She told me “Get real people”. She got mad
at me cause I did not talk to my mum on that vacation and tell her that I
suffered a lot for my father and still am. She accused me again of not being
open”. Even now one week ago, she told me that I am not open at all.. that I
am emotionally numb and that I am not even an addict trying to hide my
feelings and insecurities (?). Maybe this is something with her father and
brother.
She has asked me for a long break now.I have not heared from her for a
week. I smsed her once but as there is no response I decided for her to make
the next move. I am just wondering if she is blaming me / accusing me and
getting into me because of everything is going wrong in her life and the fact
she has suffered that much. I love her. I do. I cannot see her suffering. It kills
me. I want to be with her and I think she needs my help. Until now I have the
feeling that I have made a wrong approach allowing her to blame me and hurt
me and say hurtful things and not defend myself. Now I have the feeling that
I have to stay truth to myself and set my own boundaries and not get into that
kind of painful situations. The problem is that I don’t want to lose her and I
want to help her and I am not sure that if such a drastic change in my
behaviour would destroy us. Am I being emotionally abused? How can I help
her and help us? What shall I do /tell her next time I talk to her. I feel so
insecure right now. I feel that if I tell her, actually the one that needs help is
you and not me she will go berserk and I will lose her. What shall I do?
Thanks.
ANSWER: Hi Martin, that was a long one,
You are not respecting your boundaries and so your girl friend does not either.
You have abandonment issues and this takes time to heal, sometimes years.
Your girlfriend is manipulative and uses guilt, fear for you to stay.
You need to let go of her, you are not helping her, stop trying to save her because you are afraid to be alone.
You both do not have a healthy relationship and yes she needs therapy and you are not a therapist to help her nor will it work if you did.
Take some time away from each other to see how you feel and allow yourself to meet other people.
Can you see yourself marry to this person for the next 20years and you always saying your sorry to keep the peace.
Help yourself first and that is what you are doing, great, put boundaries, stop engaging in her manipulation.
She is also in pain from her early childhood but is not getting help to heal this.
Breaking a pattern of behavior and creating a new one take time and courage and you can do it.
Do not stop the therapy, and this person is not helping you, she attempts to control you and she has not sense of boundaries.
I wish the best for you and if you continue in healing the abandonment
you will see a change.
God Bless.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: What happens if we both really love each other and are willing to help ourselves and work on our own issues to be together? I have the feeling that your advice is to run away no matter if there is willigness to work each of us on our own. Dont you think this love is worth exploring further? i would want to give it a try.
Answer Hi Martin, you teach people how to treat you with what you accept with them.
If you want to stay then stay in the relationship and both get help.
Know that you are afraid of being alone, you are afraid of being abandon or abandon another.
It is good to work things out but not abusing yourself.
