AboutDavid Simonsen Expertise I can answer questions directly related to your challenging relationships. I will give you a straight forward answer to what I think the problem is.
Experience I have the experience needed to help you sort out how to work through your relationship. I meet weekly with people who have challenging relationships so let me help you!
Organizations AAMFT;AACC
Education/Credentials B.A. M.S. Marriage & Family Therapy
Expert: David Simonsen Date: 3/14/2008 Subject: my fiance won't listen to me
Question well thats the least of my problems...my fiance and i have been together for over 4 years now...we've been living togehter for the past 3.5 years...weve been engaged for a year now..ok now thats out of the way...my fiance is someone i never pictured myself with..he didnt get his diploma and hes working in a factory and he never went to college.. when i got to know him..i fell in love...he was so charming..anyway,here are my issues now...he jokes around way too much...he doesn't take anything seriously..i swear i can't even have a decent conversation with him without him making it into a joke or say something trying to be funny...i can't stand it..it just makes me so mad and i end up yelling at him...ok so now hes been drinking for the past 7 days in a row!...in the begining he drank everyday..but luckly i got him to stop...now we only drink on weekends..if that..but all the sudden hes been drink day after day..and every time i say something he turns it on me and says "well you smoke i dont tell u stop do i?"..but i feel like im addicted to smoking and hes not an alcholic so why should he drink everyday and become one? its better that one of us is drug free, right?..anyway i feel like im losing control...on to even better news..ive never caught him cheating..but i always had the feeling..one night afew years ago..i found a condom in his pocket after i came back from a weekend at my parents house afew hours away...mind you we don't use condoms...i asked about it and he got real defensive and later came up with this bogus story about how it was his buddy's..and that he bought them for his buddy and one of them must have sliped out into his backpocket...anyway i forgave him...hell, i forgave him for alot of shit...all those times i could have sworn he'scheated on me..as of matter of fact..since im purging all this...i know hes cheated..but i feel like i can look past it..well at least sometimes..anyway, hes just so good to me sometimes..as of right now...he works fulltime at a hard laboring job...and i am a part time student..he insists that i finish school first..although hes not opposed to the idea of me working part time too..he doesn't insist that i do...hes not demanding and he doesn't complain about anything really..he comes home from work and wether i cook or not he doesn't get upset...sometimes he even makes lunch for the both of us before he goes to work...he pays for all the bills and my tuition including anything else i need..recently he got me a puppy that i adore...he spoils me and gives me lots of attention...he loves and respects my family..anything that i want i can have...i know he loves me...but why did he cheat on me? i don't know..hes all those things but when he drinks he can get real mean and say some real awful things to me...hes grabbed me up afew times before..but he justifys as always as "i don't know what it really feels like to be abused" and that what he did isn't considered abuse b/c he didn't hit me..by the way he watched his mom and sister get abused by their b/fs growing up...he is also a victum of sexual abuse...we've come so far..when we first met...he was an alcohlic..no job..no education..no license to drive..i mean he was really down and out..luckily he was good looking..ha, j/k....but my point is..look at him now..hes doing so well...great job..great pay...license..no longer an alcohlic....we're happy on the outside but we're really not on the inside..i just want him to be more serious...i feel like i have to be so uptight b/c he has enough fun for the both of us...can you just give me some sort of insight into whats going on?
Answer Lisa,
Please don't make the mistake of marrying this guy. The problem is you are no longer needed. You essentially raised this boy into a man and now you are realizing that you can't be in control anymore. Look how many times you write about control or things related to it. I think you needed someone to control and now that he is able to handle life on his own he no longer needs you. He knows how to keep you happy with just the right things. What you describe is a divorce waiting to happen once the marriage takes place. You need to think rationally with your brain not with your feelings of love. Sure you love him, but that simply won't carry you through difficult times. You completely minimize that fact that he is an abuser, by saying "well he was abused." That is NOT okay. If you choose to marry this guy I would STRONGLY suggest you get your tubes tied. It would be unfair to bring children into this relationship where there is an active alcoholic abuser and a mother who attempts to protect the abusing alcoholic. I suggest you don't marry and immediately get into counseling to figure out how to make this relationship healthier.
David
www.help4life.net
