AboutEugenia Springer, Ph.D. Expertise I can answer your questions on how to stop being a victim, and/or how to stop being an abuser. My ability to help you, however, would depend on your willingness to assume full responsibility for helping yourself.
Experience From the 1970s to the present, my life has been a search after knowing my purpose, knowing myself, and knowing God. I talk about this search in my 2002 book, "Further Insights Into the Journey".
After years of teaching biology at university, I became a radio Family Life Counselor, and a newspaper columnist, responding to callers on radio, and replying to letters from the public, in the newspapers.
My book for the adolescent girl, "Girl, It's All About You"(Review & Herald Publishers 1980, and out of print) was my attempt to marry my field of training--biology, and my adoptive field--interpersonal relationships.
"Further Insights Into the Journey" is about my search for personal freedom--a search for freedom from external controls; for freedom from fear. Through very instructive experiences, many sorely trying, I uncovered that freedom within me, and found myself progressively experiencing increasingly greater measures of peace.
To get your copy of "Further Insights Into The Journey" email me at hftpproductions@tstt.net.tt.
Currently I am the host and producer of two weekly call-in radio programs. You can access our station online at www.power102fm.com. My programs are:
(1) "Life & Living/Soul to Soul", Wednesdays, 11:00 AM to 12:00 Noon; and
(2) DIALOGUE, Wednesdays 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM. DIALOGUE connects our national radio audience with our Trinidad & Tobago/Caribbean Diaspora, and other listeners beyond our shores.
Access Dialogue by going to www.power102fm.com from 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM local Trinidad and Tobago time on Wednesday nights. Communicate with callers and studio personnel through our message board; or call any of the four telephone numbers listed: Toronto, London, Miami, and New York. Call through the number nearest you.
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Question Hi I have been with my boyfriend for 8 yrs. we live together
in August of 2007 he started getting mentally abusive I remained calm until Febuarary 2008 we were living with his mom and we got into a big fight I usually never fight back but he would not leave me alone he said that I am a slut and that he doesn't know why we were going out because I am not cool and that I just wasted his time also he knows that my brother raped me from age 6 to 18 and that my parents let it happen. Anyways he said that I liked it. So I threw water in his face. Ever since that fight we both are snapping at each other now. We both are paranoid shizophrenic and I suffer from depression. My question is how do I handle the abusive remarks and how can I cheer up so I won't hurt?
Answer Kristina,
Are you saying that for seven years you and your boyfriend had a good relationship, and it is only within the last year that he has become verbally and mentally abusive? Did the change in behavior have anything to do with moving to, or from, his mom's house? All that aside, what is needed now is that you get some relief. Your boyfriend needs to understand that love does not hurt. Even if he does not want to be with you, there is no reason for him to be cruel. And you must know that if he does not want to be with you it is only because he feels he needs something the relationship is not supplying.
But, you did say that both of you are paranoid schizophrenic; and that you suffer from depression. Since I do not know how the underlying emotional problems both of you have are affecting your moods and behavior, and neither do I know the state of your emotional health right now, I am suggesting that you both get into therapy, couples therapy. Raise all the issues you are having, with the therapist.
In therapy the therapist could work with both of you about your common problem, and with the gentleman, about his verbal abuse.
How can you cheer yourself up? Start by being kind to yourself. Do some of the things you have been wanting to do; some things your body needs you to do. Take care of your body. Aerobic exercises help. Walking briskly for about half hour three times a week would be beneficial. Regular exercise tends to lessen stress.
Turn your eyes on Kristina. You are your responsibility. If you do not treat yourself lovingly, do not expect another, including your boyfriend, to treat you well.
Do you want to go out? Then, go out. Yes, it would be so nice if your boyfriend goes with you, but you can also go by yourself. What else would you like to do? Do it. The only time you have is now.
Go to events you like. Treat yourself in a positive way all the time. Make yourself think positively about yourself; focus on your assets; give thanks for them. Whatever you feel competent at, give thanks for. Be friendly, without being clingy. Do things you would want to do. This is your life, live it fully without making your boyfriend feel he is responsible for helping you live a full life. He is not. Even if he leaves, you would still be a precious, important, lovable person, capable of finding your way; capable of making great choices for yourself. Yes, it would hurt if he wants to separate. But it is from these painful experiences that we learn some of life's most important lessons; lessons like resilience; self-appreciation. It is from living through some emotionally distressing experiences like that incestuous relationship you were subjected to, that we learn to accept the things we cannot change; gather to ourselves the courage to change the things we can, and claim the wisdom to know the difference.
