AboutEugenia Springer, Ph.D. Expertise I can answer your questions on how to stop being a victim, and/or how to stop being an abuser. My ability to help you, however, would depend on your willingness to assume full responsibility for helping yourself.
Experience From the 1970s to the present, my life has been a search after knowing my purpose, knowing myself, and knowing God. I talk about this search in my 2002 book, "Further Insights Into the Journey".
After years of teaching biology at university, I became a radio Family Life Counselor, and a newspaper columnist, responding to callers on radio, and replying to letters from the public, in the newspapers.
My book for the adolescent girl, "Girl, It's All About You"(Review & Herald Publishers 1980, and out of print) was my attempt to marry my field of training--biology, and my adoptive field--interpersonal relationships.
"Further Insights Into the Journey" is about my search for personal freedom--a search for freedom from external controls; for freedom from fear. Through very instructive experiences, many sorely trying, I uncovered that freedom within me, and found myself progressively experiencing increasingly greater measures of peace.
To get your copy of "Further Insights Into The Journey" email me at hftpproductions@tstt.net.tt.
Currently I am the host and producer of two weekly call-in radio programs. You can access our station online at www.power102fm.com. My programs are:
(1) "Life & Living/Soul to Soul", Wednesdays, 11:00 AM to 12:00 Noon; and
(2) DIALOGUE, Wednesdays 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM. DIALOGUE connects our national radio audience with our Trinidad & Tobago/Caribbean Diaspora, and other listeners beyond our shores.
Access Dialogue by going to www.power102fm.com from 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM local Trinidad and Tobago time on Wednesday nights. Communicate with callers and studio personnel through our message board; or call any of the four telephone numbers listed: Toronto, London, Miami, and New York. Call through the number nearest you.
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Question QUESTION: How do I try to get my husband to understand that the way he talks to the kids and myself and his inability to control his anger is very damaging to the family?
Also that beating the children is wrong and not ok?
ANSWER: Sandra,
One way you can possibly get your husband to understand that the way he talks to the kids and you is damaging, is to become alert to how you respond to him.
It will be challenging to maintain your calm and balance in the face of disrespect; challenging, but possible. And talk with the children. What do they do that he blames for upsetting him? What do they do that he takes as an excuse for hitting them?
Can they stop doing those things?
His anger is his problem. The way he talks to all of you is symptomatic of a deeper problem than he might acknowledge. None of you cause him to be angry. His anger comes with him. We know this. But all of you have to live together, so how can you make home a less volatile place?
One way is to be alert to your response. Can your response be interpreted as provocative? Can the children's usual response be taken as disrespect, or disregard?
It is said that a soft answer turns away wrath. Your husband's behavior could be so disgusting to you and the children that you may not even care to try to understand how he is feeling. But healing must start somewhere; and since it seems unlikely that he would do some introspecting and begin to be more considerate of your feelings, then you might have to be the one to start extending compassion.
He is not responsible for your unhappiness. Know this. Just as you are not responsible for his unhappiness. You must stop participating in the blame game. Teach the children that peace does not come through blaming. All of us are imperfect. All of us tend to see the picture from our own perspective and find it very challenging to see the picture from the other person's perspective. So, when we are convinced that the other person is wrong, we find it impossible sometimes to see any good in them. If we are not careful our resentment of them could be transformed to hate.
So, you start the healing process. Remind yourself that your worth and importance as a person, are intrinsic; that what is important is that you respect yourself, and love yourself. Let the children know that you love them, and respect them. Teach them that even though they might be turned off by the behavior of their father, they must love the person that he is, and have compassion on him. Spend loving time with the children.
Now, all of you, practice listening to one another to understand how each other feels. Practice feeding back, or paraphrasing, what you hear (two of you at a time) until the person sending the message indicates that he/she feels understood.
Now, practice this technique with your husband/the children's father. Listen to him. Don't block him out. Anger is a defense mechanism. Refuse to hide behind anger. Just listen to your husband when he is communicating. Try to understand how he feels. Tell him what you think he is saying, ask him if you are understanding the situation as he sees it.
"I hear you saying we get you angry. I am really trying to understand how you feel because I don't like to see you hurting, and it seems the children and I are doing things that are hurting you."
Give him a chance to respond. No accusations; no recriminations. Just honest, soul to soul sharing. Your tone of voice is soft, but not weak; conciliatory but not self-effacing. Keep your dignity intact. Teach the children to do the same.
Another thing, what else is wrong with this relationship? Often the tension in the home is indicative of marital discord in the bedroom. Are you embracing the children and shutting out your husband? Could it be that you are relating to your husband as to one with no feelings? Could it be that your husband is feeling sorely neglected? What else is happening in this marriage?
Dr. ES
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QUESTION: When my husband gets mad, which is all the time, he feels as if he is the only one that is right and the rest of us are just idiots. He doesn't realize that just the act of getting out of bed makes him mad enough to start screaming at us, or if he has a bad night at work, he comes home with an attitude and start to look for things to yell about. Even when the children and I work very hard on trying not to do something to upset him, he will still find something not matter how small. I know the anger isn't really because of us, that it is really something from with in him.
But how can I get him to see that? And how do i get him to see that life would be so much more pleasant with out so much anger? I am so worried that the children are going to grow up just like him and that scares me.
Answer Sandra, how about changing your response to him. This could be difficult, but instead of reacting to him, communicate with him in an effort to understand how he feels. Instead of trying to protect the children from him, give him some loving attention.
Sometimes, in our pain, the acceptance we need most from those around us, we deny ourselves, through our "hitting out". Your husband is reacting to some stressor. What is digging at his peace might have nothing to do with you or the children. But you are the ones closest to him, so you are the victims of his projections.
From what you say, your husband is a very unhappy man. Of course, he would feel miserable if he feels misunderstood, hurt, and un-cared for.
Instead of "working hard to avoid upsetting him", let him know you feel badly seeing him upset so much of the time; tell him that you hurt for him, because it cannot be easy for him having to cope with all that anger.
Ask him to talk with you about what is upsetting him so much, and if he feels he can't talk with you, suggest that he goes and talks with a counselor. Tell him you really want him to do this because he seems under too much stress, and stress kills. He must know that you and the children love him, and want to see him happy.
Be a loving wife to him even though he might be behaving as though that is the last thing he needs.
