About Francis Hosein Expertise I can answer questions on relationships; marriage, abuse, controlling relationships, successful relationships, codependency, father and daughter relationships,
I can answer questions on psychics, mediums, paranormal phenomena.
Experience relationships, psychic readings, setting goals, meditation, tai chi, therapy, yoga, massage. neuro linguistic programming
Education/Credentials b.a. in psychology, therapist in NLP, degree in chi nei tsang massage.
medium for over twenty years. Tai chi teacher for 27 years.
Expert: Francis Hosein Date: 3/15/2008 Subject: We're not in love with each other, time for divorce? (sorry, this is so long)
Question I have a fairly long story I'll attempt to make short. My wife and I were "High School sweethearts". We dated on and off for 8 years (from 17 to 25) before we got engaged. We both grew up with alcoholism and divorced parents. I have struggled with drinking over the years and recently stopped drinking. My wife has been dealing with anger issues since I've known her, but since our children were born (one is 6 and the other is 9 this summer) she has become worse. Things have improved since the worst times during a bout of post-partum depression, but not by much. She has blamed her anger on my drinking, but I suspect that is only a part of the problem. My wife is not happy with our marriage and neither am I. I'm almost completely convinced she does not love me (in spite of the way she speaks about our future plans, such as where we'll be coming months and years). I believe she is in love with the ideal of being married.
Here are some important details of our past:
- after we bought our house and birth of our 1st child she decided she wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. I felt I had no right to deny her wish and while a struggle, I was able to support our new family.
- she became lonely while I was working 12 (and sometimes up to 16) hours per day including travel time to and from work 45 miles 1 way. Her anger level was rising.
- our second child was born 27 months later and things went downhill quickly from here.
- she was diagnosed with post-partum depression and given medication, I was still working long hours for overtime to pay the bills.
- Her anger reached a high, she was throwing and breaking things, I was beginning to get angry as well, mainly at her behavior and lashing out at me.
- I felt unable to communicate with her due to her anger and nasty comments, we were no longer intimate in the bedroom.
I always felt guilty about something and felt as though I needed to "walk on eggshells" around her.
- she decided she needed to go back to school for her masters degree at this time, so I got a job in a different department and was able to work nights so I could take care of the kids while she went to school. (this was a huge sacrifice for me working 4PM to midnight, sleep a couple of hours, then watch the kids from 8AM to 2PM while she was at school (only one child was in school) This went on for 2 years.
- I was caught "chatting" with the Internet woman which did not help an already wounded marriage. Now she no longer trusted me (with reason)
- marriage in a tailspin now. Divorce was discussed, but dismissed in favor of working on it "for the kids" We started going to counseling, and marriage workshops. We saw several therapists, but she did not like any of them because of what they had to say (about her anger)
- I started "chatting" with another woman and was close enough to meet her. I had a brief physical affair with this woman (we met 2 times) and I again was caught on the computer after falling asleep from drinking too much.
- I moved in with my cousin a few blocks away, but missed the kids terribly and was at the house every night to help her put them to bed. I moved back in 2 weeks later.
- I was always a help around the house, I've always done my own laundry, all the yard work, cook 50 of the time, work full time, take kids to various practices, volunteer as coach on both kids soccer teams.
- I have not spoken to any women. I go nowhere. I stopped drinking. My marriage has been in this state for almost 2 years now, and I can safely say I no longer wish to be with her.
- through our 13 years of marriage, I can say this...I have never felt wanted, only needed. I never felt my opinion was welcomed, I never felt welcomed by my wife when I came home, or when I was away from home (no "just-called-to-say-hi" phone calls, she only called when she needed something) I do not believe she values my opinions (unless they are shared with hers) I feel used.
Now, that said, I realize I have made many mistakes in my relationship that have damaged the health of the marriage.
I realize and acknowledge that I am to blame for much of the dysfunction in this marriage, but I do not truly feel I was alone in the breakdown. I feel like there was little there to begin with.
There is much that was not mentioned here, these are the main problems since we met, I left out all of the events leading up to when we met in high school, and almost all of what transpired in our 1st 8 years together. the long and short of that is this, we were too young to be so committed to each other that we should never have any other long term relationships. We were never really in love with each other, but more in love with the idea of love. She wanted to get away from her broken family. She loved my family. Big holiday meals, lots of fun, lots of happiness.
She is not, may not ever have been, a "happy" person, and this is hurting us now.
My role in this is I rarely fought back, I rarely spoke up,
I always made sure I was trying to make HER happy, ignoring what I wanted. I chose instead to drink to avoid problems.
I feel like we've come to a point of no return, my whole reason for all of this is mostly for myself. I need to feel better about myself, and I can not fell better in this environment.
I'm scared to be divorced, I'm scared for my kids, I feel guilt for not wanting to work on the marriage, but feel optimistic that my life may just be beginning.
I guess I'm looking for someone to tell me I'm not the only one in this position, and there is a light at the end of the tunnel? Is the grass actually greener on the other side, or am I kidding myself? should I just suck it up and become subservient, a "yes dear" husband? or am I living with a controlling rageaholic who always seems to have something to yell and complain about?
I'm sure I could go on for another several paragraphs, as I feel I've only scratched the surface of what I think is going on here, but I hope I've painted a decent enough picture.
I'm not sure how this site works, but I hope to be able to respond to any feedback. I look forward to any responses, and I know I'll have many people telling me many things, but I think I can handle just about anything.
Thanks for reading through to the end.
Answer Hi Jason, yes you have made a lot of mistakes in your relationship and yes it takes two to tango so it is not only you.
Being a yes man is not saving the relationship she wants you to be able to take control and make the decision sometimes.
She has taken on the job because you are secure in not taking the responsibility because she cannot blame you when you make an error, you can be understanding to her and forgive her.
Part of your problem is your abandonment issues you have as a child you are afraid of being abandon and so you want to do anything to save the relationship and you are not helping it.
You both need therapy if you want to save the marriage.
Have you spoken about therapy, do you both want to save the marriage?
It is difficult for your wife to give up control because you have allow this it will take some time and it can happen.
You need to stop blaming her or yourself because it is not helping both of you.
She need to know you can take control and not ask her permission and you can trust in yourself.
You both are demand and things may not be the way you want it.
No you are not the only one in this position and it is not healthy for your children to be in an environment like this for it changes who they are for the rest of their life.
If you move out to reduce the tension you need to continue to see your children and not talk about their mother or your relationship.
Think about the children and what type of environment they may seek out later in life.
You both are dry alcoholics, because of your family;s history.
