AboutEugenia Springer, Ph.D. Expertise I can answer your questions on how to stop being a victim, and/or how to stop being an abuser. My ability to help you, however, would depend on your willingness to assume full responsibility for helping yourself.
Experience From 1980s to the present, my life has been a search after knowing my purpose, knowing myself, and knowing God. I talk about this search in my 2002 book ($US15.00). After years of teaching biology at university, I became a radio Family Life Counselor, and Consultant in Interpersonal Relationships. As a newspaper columnist, I answered letters from the public mostly on relationships. My book for the adolescent girl, "Girl, It's All About You"(Review & Herald Publishers 1980.) is out of print. To order my 2002 book, mail money order for US$20.00 ($US5.00 to cover shipping and handling)to Dr. Eugenia Springer, ESProductions, 98 Eastern Main Road, Tunapuna, Trinidad, T&T, W.I. Book will be mailed out within 48 hours.
Currently I am the host and producer of a weekly call-in radio program, "Life & Living/Soul to Soul".
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Question First of all thank you so much for taking in my question. I am under a lot of duress, and issues. My mother died recently (February 28th) and I am still not over it. I just moved in recently with my boyfriend. Two days after I move in with him I find out my mother has passed at work. I came home crying and my boyfriend just said: "Don't cry, Priscilla. Crying is not going to bring your mother back." So for a while I faked it. Only when I am alone do I cry. Well, now I am having boyfriend issues on top of my family one as well. Things were going well at first, everytime I called him he would say "I Love You" at least twenty times in a five minute time frame, now he barely says it to me at all. (Only when we make love does he ever remember to say it to me) He seems very insecure, and of course it was because he had a pretty harsh knock from his ex. He had a five year relationship with his ex girlfriend and a son named Bryan Jr, named after my boyfriend Bryan. Well things went well between them for four years when until the fifth year his ex framed him, and set him up for jail so she could be with another man. While he was in jail she was having an affair AND to add salt to the wound she initiated a restraining order against Bryan so he can no longer see her or his son. Ouch. The story sounded sad so I told him my own Greek tragedies of love. Well she called him a while back to remind him that his son doesn't even remember who Bryan is. Basically rubbing it in his face. When I asked my boyfriend what is her deal....All he responds with is: "Because she's crazy." He even summoned me to the balconey to show me some girl in a SUV taking snap shots of us. He told me it was her. Well anyway, he has been becoming less affectionate more and more as time goes by living with him. He used to say "I love you" every second now, he says it not all. When we make love he always says: "Never cheat on me okay?" or "You love only me? Really? Why?" When I go out with my friends, I invite him but he says no, then when I come back around 2 in the morning he was still awake talking into his cell phone just laying there on the bed as soon as he hung up. He cried and told me he thinks I am cheating him. His eyes were red and he just sobbed. After an hour of verbal diplomacy we finally make up. The next day when I came home from work his "always there" best friend Patrick was there as always. When I sat on the sofa next to them, moments later they both go outside the balconey to talk. Ten minutes later when I leave to go take a walk because I felt excluded and come back a half hour later they were back in our room talking on the sofa. When I sat down on the sofa, moments later Bryan and Patrick (once again) went BACK outside to talk. If they are doing that to be secretive they shouldn't even worry because I DONT EVEN KNOW SPANISH!!! So I just came up with the conclusion that Bryan my boyfriend is purely avoiding me. Heartbroken I get dressed and leave. Bryan asks me: "Hey where you going?" I told him for a "walk and I'll be back in a few hours." I went to a bar to drink my anxieties away, and returned around 1:30 in the morning. Bryan was laying on the bed but had been awake all this time. He got upset aqain - his eyes red and said: "I think your cheating on me." I assured him that I am not his ex girlfriend, I am just going through a grieiving process with my mother, so I hate being alone. IF ANYTHING I should be mad at him for rudely excluding me with his friend on the balconey. I really am confused with this behavior of his. He seems to love me enough to worry about me, but another half of me thinks he really loves his ex girlfriend, and he is avoiding me with his friend. Either way I am very hurt and don't know how I should act around him anymore. WHat is his deal?
Answer Priscilla,
Your companion evidently has unresolved issues, whether with himself, or with the mother of his son. Given the kind of experience you describe, it is not surprising that he would have trust issues.
He is not emotionally free to supply the kind of support you are seeking right now. As a matter of fact, as I followed your narrative, I thought, that from the outset, when he was telling you that crying would make no difference, that he was lacking in compassion. And it is not necessarily because he does not care. It could be that he feels unable to care about another because there is too much pain and confusion within him.
You have to assume full responsibility for yourself and not look to someone who is severely distracted, to care about you.
Bryan is in pain. He might be getting some sort of consolation from having you around. Maybe whatever need you supply is enough for him right now. But what about you? What are you getting from this relationship? Is this good enough for you?
Remember that the only person who could take care of Priscilla is Priscilla.
