AboutEugenia Springer, Ph.D. Expertise I can answer your questions on how to stop being a victim, and/or how to stop being an abuser. My ability to help you, however, would depend on your willingness to assume full responsibility for helping yourself.
Experience From the 1970s to the present, my life has been a search after knowing my purpose, knowing myself, and knowing God. I talk about this search in my 2002 book, "Further Insights Into the Journey".
After years of teaching biology at university, I became a radio Family Life Counselor, and a newspaper columnist, responding to callers on radio, and replying to letters from the public, in the newspapers.
My book for the adolescent girl, "Girl, It's All About You"(Review & Herald Publishers 1980, and out of print) was my attempt to marry my field of training--biology, and my adoptive field--interpersonal relationships.
"Further Insights Into the Journey" is about my search for personal freedom--a search for freedom from external controls; for freedom from fear. Through very instructive experiences, many sorely trying, I uncovered that freedom within me, and found myself progressively experiencing increasingly greater measures of peace.
To get your copy of "Further Insights Into The Journey" email me at hftpproductions@tstt.net.tt.
Currently I am the host and producer of two weekly call-in radio programs. You can access our station online at www.power102fm.com. My programs are:
(1) "Life & Living/Soul to Soul", Wednesdays, 11:00 AM to 12:00 Noon; and
(2) DIALOGUE, Wednesdays 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM. DIALOGUE connects our national radio audience with our Trinidad & Tobago/Caribbean Diaspora, and other listeners beyond our shores.
Access Dialogue by going to www.power102fm.com from 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM local Trinidad and Tobago time on Wednesday nights. Communicate with callers and studio personnel through our message board; or call any of the four telephone numbers listed: Toronto, London, Miami, and New York. Call through the number nearest you.
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I am writing to you because I can't deal with this any more. I have tried to get over it and some times i feel like i have but it just comes back and knocks me to the ground again. Anyway here goes.....
My relationship with my ex started out great. I was completely smitten with him and felt happy but it all went so wrong. The 1st time he hit me was when i had got myself into a bad situation were i found myself locked in a room in a strange place with a guy I didn't know. The guy then messed with my head for the full night - holding me down and moving him hands towards certain places and so on... (oh I feel so stupid even writing this!) but he eventually let me go. I then ran straight to my ex who then dragged me into his room and "taught me a lesson" this was the start and it just got worse from then. . .
It always started with the really nasty name calling and be-littling, then the threatening and then the beating which could be choking, punching, kicking and even head butting at times! this favorite was punching my legs and arms around the body out of sight, a couple of times he would hit my face and I'd come up with stories to cover it up to friends and family. One time i thought he was going to kill me and i took a panic attack thankfully I haven't had another one since then (well apart from when I was on drugs but i will get to that in a minute) He did sort of threaten to kill me on another occasion, he said "your lucky I don't have a knife or I would slit your throat" I should have got out then but I didn't....
I would finish it with him every time and he would cry and apologize and i would believe him. If I didn't give in he would take an over dose or try and cut his wrists I spent many nights at A&E actually worried about him! When I did make up with him he would practically force sex which was horrible, lying underneath him my body still aching as a reminder. I think it must have turned him on the suffering he caused. The next day the loving period would start again fooling me into believing that he was sorry and had changed. this went on for about 2 years and when I finally got it into my head he wasn't going to change, he had drove me apart from my friends and family, I had no one apart from him. Even though I hated him i stayed with him because I felt trapped, I couldn't get out because he would try and kill himself or stalk me until I gave in. I would cry myself to sleep every night lying next to a man I hated but it was all my own fault.
I eventually broke free when I found out he had been sleeping with my wee cousin. I was really close to her and it hurt a lot. By the time I found out about it, it was already over but I still felt it just as bad. I completely cut him off. I changed my phone number and refused to speak to him. If I seen him I got away as soon as I could and I was never alone. I would have nightmares that I got back with him, when I woke up I would thank god it wasn't true.
When I started to get a bit better I partied...hard! I went on 4 day benders with no sleep or food just alcohol and drugs. I pretended that I was better, over it and i was just having fun which at the time i wont lie it was fun. I think this only punched it to the back of my mind though and perhaps is why i still cant fully recover...
I moved on from that stage in my life quite some time ago with-out doing much damage to my health with it only lasting for about 6 months until I got a proper job and realized I had had enough.
That all happened nearly 3 years ago and I have found myself again but it still haunts me. I forgave my cousin and we speak again, not like we used to but I feel better for making peace with her. I also have a new boyfriend I've been with him for about 9 months and my relationship could not be better he's a truly wonderful person and he makes me happy all my friend and family love him I love him and he has no abusive traits, I have been very careful of that so that is making my life better :) but I need to get rid of my demons. Most days I'm fine and don't really think of the past then something will bring back a memory and it will just flow from there, I find myself breaking down, I start shacking and cant concentrate I cry then tell myself to get a grip, this should not still affect me like it does. I don't understand why it does? Most days I'm fine, I can go months sometimes with out one of these little break downs but I have noticed them getting worse not more often just lasting longer( although they have still never lasted longer than a day) Why do I have these? How can I make them stop?
Please help me help myself, I can't go on like this for the rest of my life I fear they will get worse I've always thought that I'm a strong person but this is tearing me apart each time it happens.
Thank you for your time
Mandy in Scotland
Answer Mandy, the following story reminds me so much of your story. What you need, Mandy, is spiritual healing. You got out of a bruising relationship and went on a party binge. You got him out of your mind and left nothing to take the place he once occupied. So, of course, memories pop back up.
Talk with yourself. Acknowledge how fortunate you are to have gotten out of that relationship. Why did you get out? To make a better life for yourself. Well, this is the life. You have to rebuild your mind. If you want peace, a peace that would stabilize your mind, you have to attend to your spiritual needs. There is a power in us, and in everything about us that is greater than you and I. I call that power, God. It does not matter, ultimately, how you call this power. What is important is that you acknowledge IT. IT is the harmonizing force in the universe. Give praise and thanks to this power. It is said that praise and thanksgiving are the highest form of prayer.
We need prayer, Mandy. You need to talk with God, there in the silence of your heart. Word is power. The words you use create your reality. If you have been filling your mind, your consciousness with partying, fun, and fair and fun, it is time now to open your mind to this power that is guiding you even now; that brought you out of that soul torturing relationship. Open your mind and submit yourself to a new kind of experience, an experience where you are always identifying reasons to give thanks.
What you are asking for, what your soul is longing for, is peace. You would be astounded how peace comes as you surrender all your stress-worn efforts, to this power. And stay attuned to intuition. That is where you become aware of guidance.
Give yourself a break away from the partying, and entertainment. Visit a church. Yes, they might be a bunch of hypocrites, but they have something you need, a relationship with God. Spend time reading devotional material. Read for understanding, and stay with the practice. You will tell me, after a few weeks, what happens to you.
You are an important soul. Love yourself, even as you reach out to be kind to others.
I offer you this prayer, "Guide me, God, guide me. Let me see the lessons each experience is meant to teach me. Take my mind, take my life, and guide me. I will wait on you, God, even as I live right, and relate to others as I would like them to relate to me. God, let me not run from the memories of that past relationship, but let me look carefully at it and see how I created all those experiences for myself; and let me be stronger for having gone through those experiences. That was where I was, but I am in a better place now. Thanks, God."
Now, here is that article from the Internet:
"At some point in our lives, each of us will have an encounter with an abusive situation. You may not be the victim, but you will still be effected in some way by abuse.
When people think of abuse, they usually think about physical violence. However, abuse takes many different forms. There is verbal, emotional and sexual abuse. You can be stalked, tracked and even cyber stalked. People of both genders and from all walks of life can be victims of abuse. I should know it happened to me.
I had witnessed the effects of abuse before. I saw my friends and my students deal with the heartache and fallout. I never thought it would be me. I'm a twenty-something college educated girl with a pretty good start at a career in the academic world. I was pretty happy with my life when I met my ex-boyfriend.
It sounds cliche, but everything did start off well. He was bringing in decent money. He treated me well. He made me feel good about myself. I couldn't complain. Then things slowly fell apart. He became controlling. It was little things. We would only watch TV shows or movies he wanted to watch. Every time we got in my car, he would put one of his CDs in. He was critical of me. Nothing was quite up to his standards. He was negative about my career. He would have these wild mood swings. He threatened to kill himself. Anytime I tried to bring up something he didn't want to talk about he would get depressed. If I tried to do something that wasn't all about him he would have some crisis he needed me to talk him through. He stopped working all together, and I was supporting both of us. I thought that we were going through a rough patch. I really thought things would get better, but they only got worse. I was deep into a pattern of emotional abuse.
Things finally came to a head. He ruined my vacation with my family, and broke up with me on birthday. I was hurt, I was upset, but I still didn't see the abuse. It wasn't until a day or so later that I had a wake up call. I was grading research papers, and one of my students had written a paper on Domestic Abuse. As I read through the essay, I realized my relationship had several of the signs. I was floored. If had any thought I could go back to him, it was gone.
Recovering from an abusive situation is an uphill battle. It may not be easy, there is no easy fix, but it can be done. It's hard to undo the brainwashing from any type of abuse. The first step is to always remember this isn't your fault. The moment you forget that simple fact, you have just made your ask monumentally more difficult.
Moving on takes time and support. This is a time for you to call on your friends and family. You need people who really know and love you as you face this hurdle. Even if you have been alienated from them, anyone who true loves you will stick by your side. If you need more help, join a support group or consider finding a therapist.
Remember, your abuser is still going to try and wield power over you. Anything is fair game. First my ex tried to make this whole break up my fault. He told me he forgave me for what I did to him. He wanted to try again. When that didn't work, he went for the last two cards in his arsenal: my career and my low self esteem.
First he made threats to try and destroy my career with lies and false allegations. After that attempt failed, he was running out of options. His last strike was at my self esteem. He claimed he had cheated on me early in our relationship, and that he was never actually physically attracted to me. He told me I was basically repulsive to him.
The goal is to not give in. That is what the abuser is gunning for. That person knows your insecurities, and will use them against you. I was terrified when he first made the threats to ruin my career. It took so much for me not to pick up the phone and call him. If I did that, he won. Instead I had to stay strong, and use the e-mail threats to file a police report.
Moving On is hard. It is one thing to get out of the abusive situation. It is another to totally recover. The nightmare still rages on. The abuser may still terrorize you. The negative effects of the abuse will still be present in your life. You have a choice. You can let the abuser continue to rule you, or you can start again. Starting again has its own challenges and problems, but it is worth it.
Right now, I'm not even sure of how I will start over. The drama is still fresh. I still am fearful of what other stunts he may pull. All I can do is look to the future and be careful. I have to keep reminding myself it will get better." end
