AboutEugenia Springer, Ph.D. Expertise I can answer your questions on how to stop being a victim, and/or how to stop being an abuser. My ability to help you, however, would depend on your willingness to assume full responsibility for helping yourself.
Experience From the 1970s to the present, my life has been a search after knowing my purpose, knowing myself, and knowing God. I talk about this search in my 2002 book, "Further Insights Into the Journey".
After years of teaching biology at university, I became a radio Family Life Counselor, and a newspaper columnist, responding to callers on radio, and replying to letters from the public, in the newspapers.
My book for the adolescent girl, "Girl, It's All About You"(Review & Herald Publishers 1980, and out of print) was my attempt to marry my field of training--biology, and my adoptive field--interpersonal relationships.
"Further Insights Into the Journey" is about my search for personal freedom--a search for freedom from external controls; for freedom from fear. Through very instructive experiences, many sorely trying, I uncovered that freedom within me, and found myself progressively experiencing increasingly greater measures of peace.
To get your copy of "Further Insights Into The Journey" email me at hftpproductions@tstt.net.tt.
Currently I am the host and producer of two weekly call-in radio programs. You can access our station online at www.power102fm.com. My programs are:
(1) "Life & Living/Soul to Soul", Wednesdays, 11:00 AM to 12:00 Noon; and
(2) DIALOGUE, Wednesdays 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM. DIALOGUE connects our national radio audience with our Trinidad & Tobago/Caribbean Diaspora, and other listeners beyond our shores.
Access Dialogue by going to www.power102fm.com from 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM local Trinidad and Tobago time on Wednesday nights. Communicate with callers and studio personnel through our message board; or call any of the four telephone numbers listed: Toronto, London, Miami, and New York. Call through the number nearest you.
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Question I have been married for 16 years. 2 years ago I had to go through breast cancer treatment. We had what i thought an awesome relaitonship. He was so helpful and caring before and during the cancer. I had both chemo/radition. When i was done treatment I was so happy. I felt so close and thankful for being alive and my husband helping me. About 3 weeks after I finished the treatment he began to ask if i would be interested in "Swinging" or having a threesome. I was shocked and wondered where this was coming from. He began to tell me that he has always wanted to do this and that it would be a wish of his for him to experience after the cancer.
I couldn't believe i heard this. I was shocked and felt very confused. After cancer treatment there is so much emotional, mental and physical changes that I wasn't sure what to think of this. I believe fantasizing together is fine, but this was a direct request. We had discussed this about 5 years prior, and i thought it was a dead issue.
He begged and pleaded with me that this is what he would like to experience. We joined a couple online sites and talked more and more about this. We both shared fantasies about other people. He shared a fantasy about a woman at his job, I realized within that talking that I was setting him up to have a experience with another woman.
I became very confused. I started asking questions what was happening, that I wasn't liking what was going on anymore.
He convinced me it was nothing. He never stopped. He said i was jealous and that we shouldn't talk about women. That he wanted an experience with another man and a woman.
We ended up having an experience about 5 months later with a man.
We have been fighting and argueing since.
I feel humiliated. I feel horrible that I followed through with that when I was so sick still from the cancer. My hair had barely grown out, my body was overweight and i had only 1.5 breasts left after surgery.
I don't understand why he would have requested this right after my cancer. I don't understand why he would have let another man touch me when I was so sick.
I feel so betrayed. I feel so abandoned and unloved.
He pulled away from me shortly after that and is telling my doctor and my therapist that there is something wrong with me. At first he said it must be the medication, or the early menopause that the chemo put me into. He says that I should just get over it. During the time he pulled away after the threesome and arguing I noticed big changes in him and his personality. He started to look different, kissed different, and made love differently. He told me I was crazy. I wondered if he was not having a relationship, and he has and still is offended by this, and states he has never done anything like this. I did find him on an internet site that he lied to me about. He states that that is the only wrong thing he had done. I have tried to tell him and the doctors that it's because of what happened after the treatment, about the threesome and talk, that I feel insecure then and worse now. He says that he wants me to forgive him and that perhaps the request was a request. When i try to talk about it he says i need to just forgive him and get over it.
I feel like i am going crazy. I don't understand and it's been 2 years and i don't feel any better.
I'm so sad and can't believe this is happening to our relationship or me.
Does anyone have any thoughts about this.
Answer Sage, it has been said that we do not have any experience we do not need. You had been enjoying good times with your husband at the expense of your personal values. And you were allowed to experience what a full swing away from your personal standards would mean. So you went where in your soul you knew you should not go, and whatever you thought this would do to your relationship with your husband did not work out as anticipated.
You could continue to give this man your power and allow yourself to be dragged down more, or you could take hold of your personal dignity, and realize that one whose moral values are so at variance with yours, cannot bring you happiness. He needs help for himself.
You are being challenged to assume full responsibility for your own sense of wellbeing. This is maturity time; time to stop looking to partner to provide you with what you want in terms of quality of life. Take guidance from within.
You indulged in behavior you are now ashamed of, but your intrinsic worth is still intact. Ultimately, your value as a person, is not diminished. Turn away from practices you abhor; embrace those you want to characterize you. Be who you want to be. You can do it.
You need to love yourself enough to forgive yourself, and lift your standard of living. Start accepting yourself instead of begging your husband to accept you. You cannot change what is past so face up to the fact that you, not your husband, exposed yourself to another man, sexually. You are not weak. You are inherently strong. Accept your strength.
Do not waste any more energy on shame. Forgive yourself and channel your energy now into living as you want to. None of us is perfect. We all are fallible. What matters is not how low you have fallen but that you pick yourself up, and set out for higher ground. A fall can lead to the resolve never to again deliberately travel on slippery ground.
The less you play dependent on another, the less power others have to hurt you.
