Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 4/23/2008

Question
My girlfriend and I have been together for 10 months. We both left or marriages for each other. We fell in love and thought we were perfect for each other - soulmates. She broke up with me 3 or 4 months later. She gave me several reasons such as: she felt overwhelmed, we were both too posessive over each other, she couldn't deal with her ex and the split (selling house, splitting assets) while she was with someone else. I begged her to take me back, she did a week later. She was distant for the next few weeks, then left me again to go back with her husband. I was devastated. We kept in contact, she left him again a week later. We got back together. She was suddenly in love with me again, very smothering, constant attention and affection. We had a fight over Xmas. She dissapeared while we were at a club. I spent a long time looking for her. When I found her I confronted her about taking off. She flew into a rage. She stormed out crying. She told me I was emotionally abusive. Things were tense after that. I felt alone and depressed, like I was trapped and couldn't do anything right. I went to a Therapist, when I told her I was going she wasn't supportive. She seemed angry. She broke up with me again the next day. She told me she had doubts and didn't see a future for us. She began contacting me again a few days later. Before long we were together again. After only 2 nights of her loving me again, she told me that she felt she needed to be single, but, I was so sweet and good to her that she didn't want to lose me. I asked her how much time she needed alone and she told me at least a year. I told her that I deserved better and I couldn't wait that long. I couldn't seem to leave right away. I stayed with her for 2 more days and then broke up with her. For another week she would sometimes contact me and act nice, and other times repeat that it was officially over. We were back together again after only a week. I actually tried to hide it from my family because I had really leaned on them to help me through all the break-ups. As soon as we were together again, and after only a few weeks, she wanted me to move in with her, book a cruise with her, buy a house, talk about having children, marriage etc...
Here is where I stand:
I resent her for hurting me time and time again. I resent myself for putting up with it. I don't trust her or her feelings anymore. I always question everything she says. She claims I have to forgive her and get over it. She tells me she loves me every 5 minutes, constantly looks for reassurance that I love her. She smothers me all the time. I feel like a beaten dog. Just the other night she began crying after I asked her if she was okay. She said she felt I didn't love her as much as I used to. She felt bad for hurting me.
I do love her. I do care about her. But, I don't know if I can ever forgive her or myself. I also feel that she has serious emotional problems that I cannot help her with. I have been through so much, I am stressed all the time. Here is some background on her: Her parents divorced after she finished High School. Her mother left. Her father died of Aids 3 years ago. He was bi-sexual, and she didn't find out until he was really sick. Her other brother is gay and is a drug addict. Her mother was not a very loving woman. She also cryed about these things the other night. I feel she has no one to help her. I feel bad for her. But, I want to start taking care of myself for a change. I have always put her first, and I have not been appreciated for it until recently. If she has been acting strange because of all the changes in her life this past year (seperation; selling house; guilt over cheating) I will stick with her and do what I can. But, if she has problems that go back to childhood or her young adult life, I feel that there is nothing I can do for her. And I will have to take on all of her problems as my own. I don't know if I can do that. I need advice. I am obsessing about my situation from the time I wake up until I go to bed at night. I feel like I am heading for a nervous break down. Please help.

Answer
Rod,

You are putting yourself at risk for some sort of breakdown.  You see the picture clearly, and you know what is the right thing to do, but you are allowing a young woman with what seems to be a disturbed mind, to play you like a see-saw.

There is no stability in this game you both have been playing.  It sounds like child play, not like two serious adults working on a relationship.

The young lady should be in therapy.  You would do well to listen to  yourself, "I feel that there is nothing I can do for her.  And I will have to take on all of her problems as my own.  I don't know if I can do that..."

Also, "I also feel that she has serious emotional problems that I cannot help her with..."

Take hold of yourself, Rod; take care of your life.  Are you going to allow someone who entered your life, the wrong way (infidelity), ten months ago, to block you from finding satisfaction in your living from here on, or would you allow her to go her way and find help for herself?

Sounds harsh, but this young woman has had her problems long before you got involved with her.  If your involvement is complicating her life, and doing no good for yours, what are you going to do?

We place ourselves wherever we find ourselves in this life, and we are the only ones who can pick ourselves up and move on to wherever we want to be in life.  No one is coming to help us.  We alone can make decisions for ourselves.

Dr. ES