AboutEugenia Springer, Ph.D. Expertise I can answer your questions on how to stop being a victim, and/or how to stop being an abuser. My ability to help you, however, would depend on your willingness to assume full responsibility for helping yourself.
Experience From 1980s to the present, my life has been a search after knowing my purpose, knowing myself, and knowing God. I talk about this search in my 2002 book ($US15.00). After years of teaching biology at university, I became a radio Family Life Counselor, and Consultant in Interpersonal Relationships. As a newspaper columnist, I answered letters from the public mostly on relationships. My book for the adolescent girl, "Girl, It's All About You"(Review & Herald Publishers 1980.) is out of print. To order my 2002 book, mail money order for US$20.00 ($US5.00 to cover shipping and handling)to Dr. Eugenia Springer, ESProductions, 98 Eastern Main Road, Tunapuna, Trinidad, T&T, W.I. Book will be mailed out within 48 hours.
Currently I am the host and producer of a weekly call-in radio program, "Life & Living/Soul to Soul".
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Question I'm a 29-year-old professional and left an abusive/toxic relationship about four months ago. Since that time we've had little if any contact and I left the country without saying goodbye to him. I still have a lot of anger due to how he treated me. He lied, cheated on me multiple times, stole...I have much to add to this list. However now that I'll be heading back home after this extended assignment abroad, and I haven't really met anyone new, I'm scared that I will be led back into my exes arms. He keeps emailing me how sorry he is, how he regrets everything that he did to me, etc. We were on and off for about 2 years before I completely ended things with him. He did a lot of inappropriate things to me and I continued to take him back, until something switched for me and I broke up with him and never accepted his apologies.
I'm still angry with him...but I'm lonely. And so I'm scared that when I go back, I will want to resume a relationship with him.
Any advice?
Answer Yes, Juno, I do have a bit of advice for you. I don't know why I hesitate to give it, though. Maybe because it could so easily appear paltry, cliche. But look at it and accept it as the only way beyond this cross-roads moment, to a different experience.
You do want--not want, but crave, long for, ache for, a different kind of experience, don't you? You really do not want to subject yourself ever again to being a yo yo controlled by another's emotions. Well, how would you avoid a repetition of the kind of relationship you had with this man? Is he going to change? You have experienced the nature of his emotional response. You kept pulling away, if I read your message correctly, and going back. I suppose you went back because he was there and could give some momentary kind of comfort when the loneliness overwhelmed you, until the extent of his abuse or disregard for your feelings became so gross you became angry enough to turn your back and not look back.
Now, you are on your way back to the same old game.
The man has his own story; his own background that had nothing to do with you but would involve you if you keep going to him for what you think you lack that he could supply, though what he gives is all he has, even if for you, it is not enough. He is giving what he has to give, Juno. It might seem that he is trying to hurt you, to anger you. But he also is only trying to survive inside the memories he has brought along with him, and how those memories affect how he stands up before the world will determine how he relates in intimate relationships.
Evidently he cannot take care of the disturbing stories in his head, and give you all you want in a man, at the same time.
Juno, this might sound harsh, but I still want you to ponder what I say. This man is not responsible for your happiness. It is really not his business, ultimately, what you want. You will be just as angry with any other person you turn to for comfort, because you want something that you have to find within yourself.
Here is the bit of advice: Love Juno. Take back-reclaim-Juno's power over her life.
We know we have given our power to another when they can make us angry, or distressed, in any way. They do nothing to us that we do not allow out of the erroneous belief that we are powerless or inadequate. But that sense of powerlessness or that feeling of inadequacy, has to do with our own past experiences.
You will feel like life is manipulating you if you do not consciously take hold of your will, and consciously direct your behavior. Realize that this man has not been doing you anything; that you have been leaning heavily on him for something you feel you are lacking within. And what you get from him is his response.
Friendships are for mutual enhancement, not for emotional dependency. Relationships are not healthy when they become emotionally parasitic.
What can you do? Pursue self-understanding. Read material on inner development; on communication skills for healthy relationships; find a therapist, and schedule sessions. But the therapist would be only for help in clarifying what is happening in your life. Self-knowledge is a prerequisite for responsible living. Go after self-knowledge and free this man from your blame. If you go back to him, be clear on what you are going for, and know that trying to meet your physical needs with another would most likely mean that person could become emotionally involved with you, not so much because they might feel they love you, but perhaps because you fill some emotional and physical need of theirs.
Read up on co-dependency, and 'healing for the wounded soul'
