AboutEugenia Springer, Ph.D. Expertise I can answer your questions on how to stop being a victim, and/or how to stop being an abuser. My ability to help you, however, would depend on your willingness to assume full responsibility for helping yourself.
Experience From the 1970s to the present, my life has been a search after knowing my purpose, knowing myself, and knowing God. I talk about this search in my 2002 book, "Further Insights Into the Journey".
After years of teaching biology at university, I became a radio Family Life Counselor, and a newspaper columnist, responding to callers on radio, and replying to letters from the public, in the newspapers.
My book for the adolescent girl, "Girl, It's All About You"(Review & Herald Publishers 1980, and out of print) was my attempt to marry my field of training--biology, and my adoptive field--interpersonal relationships.
"Further Insights Into the Journey" is about my search for personal freedom--a search for freedom from external controls; for freedom from fear. Through very instructive experiences, many sorely trying, I uncovered that freedom within me, and found myself progressively experiencing increasingly greater measures of peace.
To get your copy of "Further Insights Into The Journey" email me at hftpproductions@tstt.net.tt.
Currently I am the host and producer of two weekly call-in radio programs. You can access our station online at www.power102fm.com. My programs are:
(1) "Life & Living/Soul to Soul", Wednesdays, 11:00 AM to 12:00 Noon; and
(2) DIALOGUE, Wednesdays 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM. DIALOGUE connects our national radio audience with our Trinidad & Tobago/Caribbean Diaspora, and other listeners beyond our shores.
Access Dialogue by going to www.power102fm.com from 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM local Trinidad and Tobago time on Wednesday nights. Communicate with callers and studio personnel through our message board; or call any of the four telephone numbers listed: Toronto, London, Miami, and New York. Call through the number nearest you.
.
Question I am currently married and have been for 10 years. My husband and I have two children and have had a great marriage until approximately a year ago. I made an awful mistake of talking to someone that my husband asked me not to; basically emotional cheating. I take full responsibility for my mistake and have repeated asked for forgiveness many times. I know that I have to earn any bit of trust back. I am very frustrated at this point. It has been since August that this confrontation occurred and that we tried working on our marriage. My husband is very controlling; if the kids and I don't go with him someone he's mad and upset, if I use my cell phone in any way he's mad and upset. He doesn't want me to see my friends or family anymore because he believes they are all in on some conspiracy to break us up. (Which they aren't they've been a great support group.) We have separately and collectively gone to counseling, but he has since stopped and belives it doesn't work. He no longer takes his depressive medication because he believes it doesn't work. He does take Xanax, but mixes it with alcohol; then he becomes very emotional. Because some friends of ours were having some marital issues, he doesn't trust me again and says he's at square one. He believes that I'm having a physical affair because I'm not physically affectionate with him. This is not true; I don't feel comfortable and feel like I'm walking on egg shells every day. I don't think it's right to be excited to go to work on Monday. I am constantly worried and anxious about is he going to get upset. Unfortunately, I feel so guilty for hurting him in the past, but at the same time I don't think that this is healthy as well. I am very worried about our two kids; they are starting to react to his mood swings and 'tantrums'; and I will not compromise their well being for anything.
Any insight would be helpful; do I stay and try to keep working on things, (still attending counseling myself) or when do I 'give in the towel'?
Respectfully.......Unhappy
Answer Beth,
Of course you are unhappy. Who wouldn't be, living with the strain you are under. You say that everything was all-right until a year ago, but you also say that he is very controlling. So maybe, Beth, what you call, your 'emotional cheating', which I do not understand, happened for a purpose. You, from what you describe, were adjusting and adapting to a life of misery. How could everything be okay when you are forbidden to use your cell phone??? And you are not allowed (???) to be with your family? And you and your children have to be walking on egg shells? I say that that 'emotional cheating' brought to the head something that had been simmering 'neath the surface for a long time.
It is impossible to find happiness with someone suffering from some emotional or mental, disorder, if that one refuses to be on medication, or on whatever regimen has been recommended for healthy functioning. And it is madness to submit your life to the whims and fancies of someone who, because of mental or emotional illness, is incapable of being rational.
To complain about the distress your husband's behavior unleashes on the family is like complaining that a tornado that touched down in your neighborhood, had no right to rip through your yard. That is what tornadoes do. The suspicion, demands, tantrums, and mood swings are the characteristics of whatever mental disorder your husband is experiencing. What you need to do is take care of yourself, and I suppose, your writing me is indicative of your desire to do a better job of taking care of yourself and your children.
So, what are you going to do about your life, and the lives of your children, Beth? Who are you going to hold responsible for your wellbeing?
It is commendable that you are in counseling. Maybe the counselor could help the children understand what is happening to their father. Meanwhile, who will protect them? Will you? If you, then you must take control of your life and stop stewing yourself in useless guilt because your husband cannot, or do not know how to, let go of the issue. The more you defer to a person who is out of control. the more they tighten their control of you.
Your problem is not to be underestimated. After all you are married to the man. You have grown to be in some ways, dependent on each other. The children know both of you as the ones responsible for their home; their sense of safety lies in how safe they feel with both of you. And perhaps there are even some sane, calm moments at home, moments that remind you of why you are still there. It is not easy to know what to do when problems crop up, transforming marriage into a nightmare.
Talk with your children. They need to have a calm, smiling, loving parent to remind them that despite the challenges they could have good times; to assure them that life is what they make of it. Talk with them, not to complain, but to find out how they are thinking; to guide them into responsible living.
Get involved in a support group. Talk with the people at Alcoholic Anonymous; arrange for a visit from a Social Worker so your family could find out how other families like yours are coping; what they are doing.
Show interest in what your children are doing, in what interests them. Do not give to your husband the power to mar the memories of each day with ugly feelings. Look at what you do and how you do it. Look at how you respond to your husband, and show more strength, and self-respect, if you have been caving in to him. Take care of your mind. If you have to give up control of your mind, give that control to God.
Why not find a church group. In group strength you sometimes find your own resilience.
You are going through this experience Beth, to prove to yourself that you can conquer anything, and come out the successful, beautiful person, deep within, you know yourself to be.
Hug your children tonight, and tell them you love them.
