Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 4/18/2008

Question
QUESTION: I was in an abusive relationship for many years and I have been divorced from this man 4 years and separated for 5 years.  We have shared parenting and the abuse/harassment continued.  He was recently arrested for domestic violence/threat however the courts would not grant me a protective order. I have two questions. This man continues to bully/harass me through our children and now, since he is not able to have contact with me (criminal charges) he uses his attorneys to threaten to sue me, calling me crazy, etc.  How do you stop the harassment even after you are divorced with an abusive/bully?  Second question:  Do they ever change?  My ex-husband is currently dating another woman and seems very happy.  Will he abuse this person eventually also?

ANSWER: Let me respond to your last question, first, Tracey.  He will abuse her if she allows it.  He seems happy, and maybe he is.  For now.  If he does nothing to turn his life around, the old nature will reveal itself.  Anyone can change but they have to want to change. You don't seem to be describing someone desirous of change.  But who knows what is in the heart of another!

Get into counseling, and be guided by your therapist. Social Services should be able to provide you with a Counselor.

You stop the harassment when you stop responding to it.  No doubt your ex-husband has studied you well, and your response has become predictable.  As I suggested above, get to a therapist.  This is challenging to face without a support system.  If you do not mind belonging to a prayer group, having the support of a others praying for you will help empower you.

Blessings.

Dr. ES

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I understand that you say to stop responding to it.  I agree with this also. but what do I do when i send him medical bills and he sends back a partial payment saying I owe him for softball gloves, sliders, etc.  Do I just let it go or do I use my attorney to fight him?  Or the fact that he is the coach of our daughter's softball team and never gives me the schedule or picture dates?  If I were to do any of these things, he would have his attorneys file a motion, if I try to use my attorney to gain justice the fighting just gets worse.  And he battles back with something even worse.  His anger is also getting worse with our daughters.  The oldest one hates him and tells me this frequently.  I would love some advice on how to handle this too.  
I enjoy your responses to people.  They are heartfelt and honest and work on improving themselves first.

Answer
Tracey, the more we talk, the clearer the understanding.  It seems that your ex-husband is responsible for some of your bills.  This perhaps is the cause of his attitude towards you?

How tired are you of the battling?  How much do you desire an end to the unhappiness?  Your answer will determine if you would be willing to take your focus off him, and not engage him in fights.  If you could afford to back off you might spare the children some of the emotional wounds being inflicted on them.  It is not healthy to hate.  Somebody needs to defuse this situation.  Who would it be?

Sometimes we give up legal and moral rights, to spare our family anguish, but I do not know the nature of the transactions between both of you and how dependent you and the children are on your ex-husband.

Dr. ES