Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 4/8/2008

Question
I have been in a realationaship w/ a man 10 years younger than me for 2 years.  And we have physically fought 2xs and he is constantly verbally abusive.  I have asked him to leave several times but he wont and threatens to kill me if I do legally put him out or other wise.  There is also a 9 year old child involved that is mine not his.  How do I get out without any harm being done to us?

Answer
Monique, you go to the police right away.  Do not play with one who threatens.  Threatening you is bad enough, but having your nine year old exposed to this could be so much more damaging.  These are your child's formative years.  What he/she is enduring is shaping his/her response to life, and determining the kind of person he/she would become.  I recommend counseling for you, and your child.  You have stayed too long in this abusive situation. You do not want to be charged with irresponsibility as a parent holding a child in an emotionally damaging environment.  The young man needs help, but not from you. You may wonder why he is clinging to you, and refusing to leave your place.  It could be that he does not know how to find his way on his own out there, and does not feel good enough to have you care for him for his own sake, so he tries to intimidate you into taking care of him.  Do I have the picture correctly?  Whatever the truth, you must take care of yourself, and not allow yourself to be taken advantage of.  It must be demoralizing to your child to witness you subjecting yourself to this young man's abuse, in your own home.

Not only should you go to the police, but also to Social Services.

I do hope you take hold of your inner strength and deliver yourself from being intimidated by this young man.  And Monique, next time, do not be in a hurry to bring a man into your home.  Let your child feel honorable in his/her home.  You also need to feel honorable and honored in your home.

Dr. ES