Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 4/25/2008

Question
Hi.  I feel like a traitor for doing this, but I don't know what else to do.  I can't really talk to anyone about it.  My sister's new husband is verbally abusing her and I have been in that situation before but not with a child involved.  My niece is only 10 years old and she has witnessed it first hand.  It has been so bad that my niece has asked why she let him talk to her like that.  My sister got a very good job after they married and now she is making more money than he is (alot more).  He has decided that the woman's place is in the kitchen and he wears the pants in the family regardless...She doesn't want to become my mom (who has been married 4 times) but I can accept her dealing with it, but I can't watch my niece go through this.  What do I do for my niece?  This little girl has already been through enough and she doesn't deserve this too...please help me if you can.

Answer
Neither does your sister deserve to be going through this.  Abuse does not lighten because the victim accedes to the abuser's demands. It gets worse.  Your sister understandably does not want to be like your mom, but she is on the road.  At least your mother knew she should not submit herself or her children to abuse.  Her problem must have been her unawareness that she, not the man in her life, was responsible for each of the abusive situations she subjected herself to, and her unawareness of what she should have been doing differently to break away from following the old pattern of abusive relationships.

But that was your mother's challenge.

Your sister can do it differently.  She needs to spend time re-examining her value system, and identifying what about what she believes allows her to subject herself to abuse, and possibly cast her young child's mind in the mold of a victim. And having identified the thought pattern, she needs to deliberately change it; yes, change the way she thinks.

If the way she thinks is taking her into the same type of surrendering of her rights (as was the case with her mother) to someone who does not know how to relate lovingly to her, she must ask herself what it is she is hoping for, and if she believes she came into this life to give up her rights to be in control of herself and to be happy, to someone who is so overburdened he cannot find peace in himself, much less share happiness with her.

See how the old familiar patterns repeat themselves?  Your concern is understandable.  Your niece can become so accustomed to the pattern that she also could end up seeking out the familiar abusive relationship.  Your sister needs to wake up and assume full responsibility for her welfare. If her beliefs are keeping her in unhappiness, she needs to re-examine those beliefs.  

Talking with others, reading, listening to speakers, thinking, all help.

As she expands the limits of her consciousness she would realize that whatever personal values keep her subjected to an abusive spouse, could be re-examined.  None of us have to be slaves to what we believe;  if what we believe is not working for us, we must examine where we got those beliefs from, and why we have held on to them.  Maybe we need to look at what was handed down and see if there are any flaws in them, flaws we do not have to live true to, and do not have to pass on.
 
Your brother-in-law needs help but he has to access that on his own.  His problems came with him.  They were not generated by your sister.  

Abusers are persons who feel poorly about themselves.  They hate how they feel about themselves, and often try to project their toxic energies onto whoever chooses to become their victims.  They love to blame.  They thrive on generating guilt in the one who subjects herself/himself to the abuse.  And since the abuser can abuse only someone with damaged self-esteem, they feel a sense of power as they push the head of the abused person, down, down, down.

But no one has to hang around and take all this.

Your sister is not responsible for your brother-in-law's pain, neither is she ultimately responsible for his happiness.  But she is responsible for her child's welfare, and for her own.

Dr. ES