AboutEugenia Springer, Ph.D. Expertise I can answer your questions on how to stop being a victim, and/or how to stop being an abuser. My ability to help you, however, would depend on your willingness to assume full responsibility for helping yourself.
Experience From the 1970s to the present, my life has been a search after knowing my purpose, knowing myself, and knowing God. I talk about this search in my 2002 book, "Further Insights Into the Journey".
After years of teaching biology at university, I became a radio Family Life Counselor, and a newspaper columnist, responding to callers on radio, and replying to letters from the public, in the newspapers.
My book for the adolescent girl, "Girl, It's All About You"(Review & Herald Publishers 1980, and out of print) was my attempt to marry my field of training--biology, and my adoptive field--interpersonal relationships.
"Further Insights Into the Journey" is about my search for personal freedom--a search for freedom from external controls; for freedom from fear. Through very instructive experiences, many sorely trying, I uncovered that freedom within me, and found myself progressively experiencing increasingly greater measures of peace.
To get your copy of "Further Insights Into The Journey" email me at hftpproductions@tstt.net.tt.
Currently I am the host and producer of two weekly call-in radio programs. You can access our station online at www.power102fm.com. My programs are:
(1) "Life & Living/Soul to Soul", Wednesdays, 11:00 AM to 12:00 Noon; and
(2) DIALOGUE, Wednesdays 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM. DIALOGUE connects our national radio audience with our Trinidad & Tobago/Caribbean Diaspora, and other listeners beyond our shores.
Access Dialogue by going to www.power102fm.com from 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM local Trinidad and Tobago time on Wednesday nights. Communicate with callers and studio personnel through our message board; or call any of the four telephone numbers listed: Toronto, London, Miami, and New York. Call through the number nearest you.
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Question I just have a simple question. How do you know when someone is abusive?
Answer Eva,
Look up the term, codependent.
Here is an article I cut and pasted from the website, "Soul Kadee". This article is by an Indian activist in India. You would realize that abusive relationships know no boundaries.
"What is an abusive relationship?
An abusive relationship is any relationship that threatens your well-being and/or violates your boundaries, either physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually.
Physical abuse includes hitting, beating, torture and rape.
Sexual abuse should also include forcing one’s partner to perform acts they are uncomfortable with.
Mental abuse includes manipulating people into doing things they are not comfortable with, or attempting to convince a person that they are crazy (when it is really the abuser who is the crazy one).
Emotional abuse is an attempt to destroy another person’s self-esteem and keep them dependent on the abuser, e.g. convincing a person they are no good, that they cannot do without the abuser, that no one else will want them, that they are unattractive and stupid.
Spiritual abuse often goes unnoticed because it is very subtle. It is usually an attack on the person’s beliefs, telling them that what they believe is wrong, and trying to coerce them to change the way they think or feel, even when they are unwilling to do so. Forcing a person to convert to another religion would classify as spiritual abuse.
What causes spouse abuse? Why do spouses stay in an abusive relationship?
Here’s my take on this. On the psychological level, abuse is about power and control. Abusers are usually people who have been abused or have grown up in a dysfunctional home.
Their tendency to abuse or control is based on a feeling of being powerless to prevent situations or acts that they had to endure as children. Abusing or controlling another person is a way of regaining the power they had lost as children.
Because the abusive relationship is the only pattern of “love” they are familiar with, people who have been abused, neglected or abandoned in childhood choose to get into and remain in abusive relationships in adulthood, because the pattern feels familiar and therefore, “safe”.
The exception, of course, is an arranged marriage (popular in many countries, including India), especially one where the abuse is based on dowry demands. Here the abused woman is usually not aware of the abusive tendencies of her spouse (and his family) when she opts to get married.
Not all chidren who have been abused or lived in dysfunctional homes become abusers when they grow up. Some enter into codependent relationships that involve excessive giving or taking. The lucky ones are able to deal with their pain in a healthy manner and go on to have healthy relationships.
A lot of Indian marriages are codependent relationships, with men, in general, being takers (on the narcissistic side of the codependent spectrum). I blame this more on the fact that the boy child is still valued more (and hence treated far better) than the girl child in India, and the sexes have well-defined roles in traditional Indian marriages.
There are exceptions, of course, where the woman is the taker. But, the fact remains that most women choose to remain in abusive relationships because they have low self-esteem and have nowhere else to go.
If you, as a grown woman, make that choice, you are just as guilty of tolerating abuse as your abuser is of meting it out. Ultimately it boils down to whether you’re willing to take responsibility for yourself and your own well-being.
Why children are NOT a reason to stay in an abusive relationship:
If you’ve decided to stay in an abusive relationship for the sake of your children, here are a couple of facts you should consider very seriously.
- It’s much better for a child to have one happy parent than two unhappy ones. That’s a fact, not an opinion!
Children who see their parents tolerate abuse are learning that it’s ok to accept or inflict abuse.
By choosing to stay in an abusive relationship, you not only become a bad role model for your kids, but are creating an unhealthy model for relationships in their young minds, making them more likely to become abusers or victims of abuse themselves.
I have seen, from personal experience, that children of women who chose to stay in abusive relationships are often more angry with their mother for not getting out of the relationship than they are with the abusive father.
Your children will lose respect for you and blame you for the anguish they had to go through, because YOU HAD A CHOICE AND THEY DIDN’T.
What should you do if you’re in an abusive relationship?
Get out now! Realize that you have a choice. You do NOT have to remain in an abusive relationship. Remove yourself from the abusive situation immediately.
Get help. There are many organizations and people willing to help women who are abused. Ask them about your rights and your legal course of action.
Spend time getting in touch with yourself and your own needs. Get clear on what you really want to do with your life. Find a purpose in your life and follow your dreams. It will help you re-build your self-esteem and become independent.
Learn to understand and deal with your own codependent tendencies. Stop thinking that another person can make you feel happy or secure or fulfilled. You are the only one who can make you feel that way. Cultivate independence and you’ll attract healthy partners and relationships.
Believe in yourself. Know that you do not need anyone but yourself to take care of your needs. Have faith in your ability to do that. When you learn take care of your own needs, you’ll never have to settle for being in an abusive situation again."
