Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 4/2/2008

Question
I have been married to my husband just over a year now, but whenever he is annoyed/angry at something I've said or done(or not done) he tells me he's going to divorce me, or if I do it one more time he will be straight down to divorce me, he's done this right from us beng married. Would he say it if he really loved me?
Thanks Tracy


Answer
From what you are saying, Tracy, for your husband, divorce seems to be a ready option for resolution of marital conflict.  This says much about his past experience.

His approach to conflict challenges you to dig in and know the source of your strength.  You are shaped in the image of the Omniscient, the Omnipresent.  You are of the Ultimate Power of this universe.  

Become aware of your inherent power, your inherent strength.  Do not be fooled into thinking that your worth is wrapped up in your husband's acceptance of you.  You want that acceptance, yes.  It makes for happiness and joy here and now, but you can mature to the stage where you recognize that your ability to be happy is dependent on how you process information and not on how another relates to you.  

You can come to realize that you can be happy without his acceptance; so do not be floored if you hear him saying things a husband is not expected to say.  

He also, has much to learn about who he is.  When he becomes aware of his true identity he would not think he holds control over you by virtue of his position as a husband.  He would not behave as though demonstrations of caring (I would not call what he gives, love) are to be used as instruments of control.

Your husband seems to have a twisted sense of his strength.  It does not seem to be rooted in self-acceptance, personal integrity, and self-love.  But life is a school.  He can learn.

In marriage we help one another.  Attend to your own growth.  Take responsibility for how you feel, what you think, how you communicate.   When you take responsibility for your own behavior, and your own happiness, attempts of others to punish you fall flat.  You would have compassion on them, rather than feel affected by what they do.

Look at your response whenever your husband threatens divorce.  Could your response be supporting his threats.  Are you displaying fear, a kind of mendicant pleading that begs, "Please don't..."?  

If you stand strong and confront him with what he is doing, "You have said this several times now since our marriage.  Are you saying that you do not like disagreements, that you would rather not be married than be married and have things we disagree about?"

Ask him.  Never cringe in submission.  Confront your feelings.  Get clarification.  Am I feeling threatened? Angry?  Bitter?  Why?  How do I feel when he says these words?  Do I know what he means?  Shouldn't I ask him to clarify?  And then, shouldn't we talk about what we should do when we disagree?  If he doesn't want to talk at the moment, go back to him when the situation seems appropriate.  Talk about how it felt in his home of origin, when people disagreed; how his folks handled disagreements.

Communication is the key to healthy relationships.  When problems crop up do not take it for granted that what you understand the words of your partner to mean is indeed what they mean.  Ask for clarification.  You could disagree and maturely, empathically, discuss your differences, compromising when you can, and letting it be okay to hold different views without chilling toward each other.

Know your strength.

Dr. ES