AboutEugenia Springer, Ph.D. Expertise I can answer your questions on how to stop being a victim, and/or how to stop being an abuser. My ability to help you, however, would depend on your willingness to assume full responsibility for helping yourself.
Experience From 1980s to the present, my life has been a search after knowing my purpose, knowing myself, and knowing God. I talk about this search in my 2002 book ($US15.00). After years of teaching biology at university, I became a radio Family Life Counselor, and Consultant in Interpersonal Relationships. As a newspaper columnist, I answered letters from the public mostly on relationships. My book for the adolescent girl, "Girl, It's All About You"(Review & Herald Publishers 1980.) is out of print. To order my 2002 book, mail money order for US$20.00 ($US5.00 to cover shipping and handling)to Dr. Eugenia Springer, ESProductions, 98 Eastern Main Road, Tunapuna, Trinidad, T&T, W.I. Book will be mailed out within 48 hours.
Currently I am the host and producer of a weekly call-in radio program, "Life & Living/Soul to Soul".
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Question my fiance was physically abused as a child by her mother and step father, although not sexually, to my knowledge. i would never abuse her, physically or otherwise, but it seems like all of her ex boyfriend story sound like a broken record. some physical abuse. many cheated on her. treated her poorly. her son's father left her when she was 7 months pregnant because she was "too fat and gross" accused her of cheating(untrue). and was not there for the birth of his son. still she took him back as she's done with subsequent boyfriends. she has a hard time showing affection for anyone but her 8 year old son and still lets him sleep in bed with her until i get home from work. she also has a very hard time talking to anyone about her problems. my question is how do i help her deal with her issues without her just closing up and pushing me further away. and at what age is it inappropriate for a boy to sleep in bed with his mother.
Answer Mike,
Google the abused personality and you would gain deeper understanding into what is happening with your fiancee. When parents abuse a child, the child is left with unfulfilled emotional needs, and tends, until inner healing occurs, to go from one relationship to another, looking for those emotionally absent parents. Of course, feeling poorly about self, such persons tend to gravitate towards someone whose behavior is familiar--meaning, abusive. All this until healing comes.
Your fiancee and her son must have been mutually comforting to each other throughout the rough experiences. But it is time for the son to be sleeping in his own bed. You would facilitate this happening if you befriend the child. He also could be hesitant about trusting you, because it seems that he knows what it is to be neglected and rejected by the men in his mother's life. His mother might want to be sure that her son is safe with you, and that you won't even once, relate to him as an outsider. A boy needs a father. If you could gradually take over that role, the child might start to trust you. Attend PTA, look after his welfare at home; do some manly things together, and awaken his zest for life. His mom would be grateful.
About his sleeping arrangements. Discuss with him how he wants his room fixed up. In a few years he would be big on privacy. Now, he could find joy in having a "cool" room. But talk this over with his mother first. I would advise against making plans, even with the boy, behind, as it were, his mother's back. Remember, they are big on mistrust. Work empathically, to foster trust. Show compassion and indicate that you want to understand how they feel, because you care.
Right now your fiancee needs healing. She needs you to be just there for her. Trust won't come because you are going all out to be kind to her. You are challenged to ask not what your fiancee can do for you, but what you can do for your fiancee. You say you love her, so accept her as she is. When you come home and the boy has to go to his room, go with him. Spend some time with him, so he would know that you care. Find some bedtime stories to tell him. Turn on some soft bedtime music to send him to sleep in a beautiful frame of mind. If his mother goes to the room with him, go with her, ask if you could help tuck him in. Bring back some warmth into their lives.
Even if they do not open up to you right away, they would be watching the kindness, most likely, to see how long it would last. So you are challenged to give kindness because kindness and love is all you have within you for them; not until they get you mad. Leave off probing into her issues. Just enjoy her as she is. There will be time later on. She would read you and interpret you to herself. If she interprets you as someone who would understand and not use her past to make her present more painful, she might share.
