AboutEugenia Springer, Ph.D. Expertise I can answer your questions on how to stop being a victim, and/or how to stop being an abuser. My ability to help you, however, would depend on your willingness to assume full responsibility for helping yourself.
Experience From the 1970s to the present, my life has been a search after knowing my purpose, knowing myself, and knowing God. I talk about this search in my 2002 book, "Further Insights Into the Journey".
After years of teaching biology at university, I became a radio Family Life Counselor, and a newspaper columnist, responding to callers on radio, and replying to letters from the public, in the newspapers.
My book for the adolescent girl, "Girl, It's All About You"(Review & Herald Publishers 1980, and out of print) was my attempt to marry my field of training--biology, and my adoptive field--interpersonal relationships.
"Further Insights Into the Journey" is about my search for personal freedom--a search for freedom from external controls; for freedom from fear. Through very instructive experiences, many sorely trying, I uncovered that freedom within me, and found myself progressively experiencing increasingly greater measures of peace.
To get your copy of "Further Insights Into The Journey" email me at hftpproductions@tstt.net.tt.
Currently I am the host and producer of two weekly call-in radio programs. You can access our station online at www.power102fm.com. My programs are:
(1) "Life & Living/Soul to Soul", Wednesdays, 11:00 AM to 12:00 Noon; and
(2) DIALOGUE, Wednesdays 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM. DIALOGUE connects our national radio audience with our Trinidad & Tobago/Caribbean Diaspora, and other listeners beyond our shores.
Access Dialogue by going to www.power102fm.com from 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM local Trinidad and Tobago time on Wednesday nights. Communicate with callers and studio personnel through our message board; or call any of the four telephone numbers listed: Toronto, London, Miami, and New York. Call through the number nearest you.
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Question Please help me. My boyfriend of 2.5 years completed his graduation from abroad, then came back because we used to miss each other and so that we could stay together. He never discussed even once that he was leaving his placement for this.I could never come to terms with hi leaving his job there. He couldn't get a proper job here, this was last year. for the past 10 months, i've been in living hell. He started with why am i doing my internship when he "came back for us" (I was not allowed to carry my cellphone to work).I used to rush home and call him the first thing. He went on to why did i talk with this guy and that guy...how could i go out with friends after fighting with him.
I cant put it in words, the way he treated me.I know and so did he that i was so hurt.He used to say he'd do something to himself or crash his car.He got so angry when i was at class or asleep at home and couldn't talk to him. All this while, we never stopped getting physical. I'm such a fool. I thought he would know that i really care for him if i let him touch me inspite of the way he behaved.
I used to howl on phone. Then he used to apologise. It's a cycle thats been repeating.till this day.I don't know what to do. He's nice and sweet with words one day. And just when i think he's changed and he wont hurt me again, he makes me realize he has a bad job and career. Though never directly blaming me for it.
If I don't take his calls, i feel guilty because he's stuck up here with this job cz of me.But does that give him the right to throw away my love and feelings???? I've been treated for depression the last year. I blame him sometimes, but then i end up feeling bad because he says he "needs me", "needs my support". For what?? for shouting at me and and crying to show he's weak? And when i go back to him, shout at me again? This is my first relationship, and i wanted to marry this guy. Why did he change????? Is something wrong with me?
Please advise. Thanks.
Answer Gemi,
This was your first relationship, and you, of course, wanted to make it work. You saw him, and felt attracted to him; and evidently he felt the same way, for the attraction and the missing, during the time apart, seemed mutual. You felt you knew him well enough to want him for a husband.
This experience was a lesson for you, Gemi, a powerful lesson. People are not necessarily what they seem to be. Your friend seems to have big self-acceptance issues.
Be wary of any relationship in which the other person wants to exercise control over you, or blame you. Google "the abusive personality" and see what you come up with.
Relationships are supposed to be enhancing to your sense of wellbeing. They are not supposed to distress. Even as you take time to become well acquainted, at no time should either of you be so dependent on the other for your sense of wellbeing that you resort to making demands, and making each other's life miserable.
Your friend does NOT NEED your support. He may want it, but he does not need it. The relationship you describe seems to be very emotionally parasitic. It would make you sick if you stay in it. Your friend needs help that you cannot give. He should be in therapy. You also, should go for counseling so you could be aware of your responsibility in a relationship, and what you should never subject yourself to.
Finally, what is the payoff you get from enduring the distress you describe? And whatever it is, is it worth the pain?
