Expert: Nafeesah - 5/27/2008

Question
My daughter was in a 5 year abusive relationship with a guy. She has been out of that relationship for a year. She has 2 children by this guy. In February she met a fine young man who really got attached to the children and took her and the two kids in. He treats them like they were his. He really loves her and those two kids. Now she has decided that she is not happy. She will not give any reason whatsoever why she is unhappy. Her daddy and myself think the world of this guy and the daughter calls him daddy. Now that she has left this guy, the guy is very upset. He misses her and misses the kids also. Could you give me some advice to try and talk some sense into my daughter so she won't give up a wonderful thing?


Answer
Coming from experience I was dealing with the aftermath of my own abusive relationship with someone I was in a 5 year thing with. When I got out of the relationship I was single for 2 years. It may have been too soon to start dating again. If she was in a really abusive relationship she may have needed some kind of counseling to deal with the issues from the relationship.

Abuse victims need time to heal their wounds and deal with their feelings and they shouldnt date for at least 2 years to give themselves time to heal. Your daughter may have been abused so badly that it's deprogrammed her from really seeing a good guy who doesnt mistreat her. It took me a while to deprogram myself from the abuse and now that I did it I can look at dating again.

Maybe she can give him another chance if she tells him to give her time to get herself together and to heal from what she had been through. This could be the positive starts she needs to put her life back together again. If she's got two kids with this guy she needs to also make sure that their needs are being met as well.

It's nice that you and your husband are supportive of your daughter not many abuse victims have the support to motivate them to drop someone who isnt treating them right.