Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 5/9/2008

Question
I married an alcoholic whom, I think may be very narcisstic. He is very selfish and he seperated our family when we were married. He cost me everything I had ever worked hard for and all my success except what I still hold onto today which is my job, education and my 5 year old daughter. He seems to use my daughter as a tool against me. He goes above and beyond the call of his own selfishness to hold her from me and even as far as attempting to take court ordered parenting time from me and when I had pnemonia and was hospitalized, he did not allow her to see me, talk to me over the phone or even make up the parenting time. He will only stipulate with me to solve problems if I pay him more child support and the rectification is short term, he starts to harass me over the phone, he is very angry with me for divorcing him and Kaitlyn tells me that he does not want us to love each other, that he wants to drive us apart just, as he did while we were married. He takes medication for his anxiety and he does not behave rational. He does not foster a healthy relationship for Kaitlyn and I. I think he wants me to drop out of the relationship with Kaitlyn and make me suffer for the rest of my life for ever getting involved with him. My question is: when will the battles end? Will he ever move on? How do I stop his abusive nature in controlling my life? It seems as though more often than not, I am in court or trying to work with him to no prevail, How do I get a functional relationship with this type of person? How do I protect my daughter from his harm? How do I try to keep my daughter healthy for she is always sick? How can I relieve her stress?

Answer
Robin,

Are you saying that the courts granted him custody of your daughter, and that you have to be paying him child support?

Of course you would have pneumonia and whatever other illnesses your stressed out state opens the door to.  I am so sorry to read of your distress.  'Seems this man has you on his game plan; like he is calling all the shots, and you are the victim;  you are being played as a yo yo.

I was going to suggest you go back to the Social Worker assigned to your case, but you say you are always in court.  Someone in the Social Welfare Section should be looking into the welfare of your daughter.  If both you and your ex are stressed out, your daughter will be sick, if not physically, certainly, emotionally.

Robin, do you have a therapist?  You should be talking with one, and receiving guidance from a therapist and a good lawyer.  If your ex is suffering from a chemical imbalance, and is neglecting to take his medications he would be out of control.  

None of us like to be victims of these various ailments, especially those that affect our mind.  He also, no doubt would like to be at peace; and could mistakenly feel that fighting you is the only way to get what he wants.  Your challenge would then be, to stop fighting him.  You can never win trying to fight one who is being irrational.  

Pray, Robin.  Pray for guidance.  It is said that prayer is the deepest longing of the human soul.  Let that longing be for peace, and behave yourself in a peaceful manner.  Practice this.  When you see your daughter's father, let him not see a harried woman, but a calm, peaceful woman; not one intent on fighting him, but one who is calmly allowing whatever is, to be.

If you stop fighting there will be no fight.  Where before your demeanor might have betrayed your distress or upset, display calm.

Read something inspirational every morning, and every evening before you go to bed.  Give praise and thanks, continually.  When your child meets you, let her not feel she has to take sides; let her enjoy moments with you, peacefully.  Let her have no negatives to take to her daddy when she leaves you.  She is trying to survive, make it easier for her.  When the court personnel see the transformation in you, they might reconsider who should have the child.

Blessings, Robin.

Dr. ES