AboutAlina Neal Expertise I can answer any questions concerning abuse whether it be physical, emotional and or sexual. I have been a counselor and a nurse in my life time and have lived and fought my way to being safe in all aspects.
Experience I have experienced every form of abuse and have lived through it, and come out of it stronger emotionally and physically.
Publications www.Helium.com
Education/Credentials Social work/psychology Human Relations/Counseling
Expert: Alina Neal Date: 5/11/2008 Subject: Am I in an abusive marriage ?
Question I met my husband at 15, when I was still at school. I went on to University only briefly,as looking back pressure was put on me my him to spend my time with him. We got married at 20 and 22 and moved away from both our families to enable him to pursue his job/business. Our marriage has not been easy, as we lacked the support of friends and family due to the distance, but we persevered. We have three children. He pursued his business career, while I was the stay at home mother, all responsibility for the children lies with me.He always has and till this day will not forfeit any thing that he has planned for him self or not planned, for me or the children. His needs and social life have always to come first, if I have ever challenged him regards this, he is extremely defensive and puts me in my place.He uses his business and his earning power as his excuse. We will have been married 18 years and the last five have been getting progressively worse, to the ends that I have attempted to leave for short periods with the children, but returned due to the great upset that is caused them. I got so low that I became dependant on antidepressants which he had great pleasure in using against me, he gave me no support, which made me realize that it was up to me to get strong. Having to beg to get back in to the family home,he even demanded that I obey certain conditions in order to be allowed home, with his manager from work as his witness. 1, That I never ask him what he is doing or where he is going.2,that my parents are not allowed to visit our home, 3, that I saw a physiotherapist. Not only did I suffer the humiliation of this, but I have to have daily contact with his manager. I live on a farm where we also have a factory, so every day I am surrounded by his workers, which has become intimidating for me.I am a director with in the business but are unable to exercise this as he again enforced with his manager that I was no longer required and matter were non of my concern. I have become resentful of his disenpowering of me, and have tried to carve a more independent life recently for me and my daughters, ie learning to play golf,art classes etc,but the unlying issues remain. I have resorted to never asking him to do any thing with me or the children, and now if he wants to me as appear at business dinners I now decline.I had virtually lost all my confidence,but through undertaking some voluntary work, councilling for abused women and good friends I have become a stronger person. I have lately begun to be be able to cope with the aftermath of his sulking, brought on by possibly standing up to him. His sulking, not speaking to me or eating in the family home can go on for up to three weeks, I have been coping by ignoring it. These sulks can peak into a frustrated outburst, he is very verbally abusisive occasionally violent, which is hurtful and frightening for me. He justifies them by saying I have provoked them. I am trying not to believe him any more. I don't know how long I can put up with this awful situation?
Answer Carolyn
Please read my other posts on abusive relationships. Heres what you need to do: get out yourself out, your children are witnessing this crap and they will seek out what they think is normal when they are older. They will end up being abused or be abusers themselves.
Get money out, go to a womans shelter if you have to they will accept you. If you cannot do that then go to some family. Do NOT go back. Expect that the first month is going to be hell and pull yourself through it know that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
You are being abused. If you have respect for yourself by doing what NEEDS to be done then you will attract the right people. People that will also love and respect you. Abusers will make you feel weak like you cannot be alone. Like your the crazy one, that something might even be possibly wrong with you. Listen to your head and not your heart on any of these things as it will have an effect on you and your children for years to come.
Say in counseling, surround yourself with loving family and friends, workout and get a hobby. Keep yourself busy. The pain will pass but it will take a good month or two to get through the first of it.
Keep your chin up and I truly hope you do leave for your own sake
