Expert: Nafeesah - 5/26/2008

Question
Hi,I am in relationship for 2 years.I am single mother.4 month ago i lost my job.Had to move to different state 160 miles away(i have to support my daughter in college+medical expencies.etc..)My boyfriend told me a couple of times that loving people don't move 160 miles apart,that i have to stay with my parents and continue to look for the job,being on unemployment.We had a fight about it a couple of times.I started to work and was coming every Friday home,spending with him Friday night half Saturday and half sunday.The day before mothers day i asked him to drive me home at 10.30 instead of 11 as usual(i needed to wake up early to buy gift for mom)-he got mad,said that i always do that,that couple has to spend Saturday night together.It is not true about "always"-it happened may be a couple of times  in the past,when I had family issues or was tired.We had this problems before-he demanded me to stay when i wanted to be little bit earlier at home.What should i do?He once promised to respect my request,but now seems he forgot.He blames me for moving so far that is why.

Answer
I am going to be honest about this and say yes because this is what emotional and psychological abuse is like. The man I was in a relationship with for 5 years did this to me. Surprised he didnt start in on you when you were sick since men who abuse in this fashion always blame someone for something. Sounds like your boyfriend is extremely selfish and self-centered since it's seems to be about him more than you or the relationship.

I went through a similar situation where I got a second job and sometimes required me to be at work Fridays and Saturday nights from 8p to 8am the next day and my boyfriend had started acting stupid talking about how we don't spend much time together when in all reality he was in and out of jail. When the opportunity presented itself for me to work some extra hours to earn more money he acted salty. This was after I had returned to the area where my job was my boyfriend called and asked if I wanted to hang out and I told him I wasnt spending another hour driving back to Chicago and I told him I had to be at work in an hour and a half and had stuff to do.

He got mad saying how it wouldnt take long when he has no concept of time because an hour to me is like a whole day to him. You would think he would be supportive of you when you lost your job, but sounds like he's too busy thinking about himself more than anyone else. Your boyfriend is not respecting your time because if he did he would have gotten up and taken you home without complaining. This seems to be a thing with abusers they complain about frivoulous nonsense expecting that person to bend over backwards to please them. This is not a healthy relationship to be in and you deserve better. A real man isnt going to place demands on you and expect you to adhere to them.

If you moved for practical reasons and your boyfriend is hissy fitting over that it's time for him to go. Yourself and your family comes first before him. Your child comes before a man and he's not going to pay your rent/mortgage, bills, and your daughter's schooling. You can do better than this guy there are too many good men in the world who are not treating you like you're nothing. If you moved for a job, for family, or to improve your life in some way don't let a man come between you and you handling your buisness. Take care of yourself and ending this will actually improve how you feel about yourself, the world, life, and what you need to do for yourself.

When I left my boyfriend 2 years ago in that span of time I saw major improvements in my life such as making new friends and having bigger and better opportunities. I promise you the moment you end the relationship your boyfriends priorities will get straight because it's a sign to him that you will not take his abuse anymore. Most abusers will likely snap to reality when they lose their significant others. My ex did and that was the time he realized where he messed up and unfortunately that wasnt my problem anymore and life's been great ever since. Walking away with your head held high is a bigger accomplishment than to deal with someone who doesnt respect or care about you and only cares about themselves. Your family and friends are more important than this guy.

Abusers systematically try to weed out your family and friends so that you'll only rely on them for whatever. I nearly lost friends as a result of my boyfriend's abuse because I was being constantly lectured to when I wanted to hang with my friends and not with him and it go to the point the only contact I had with anyone was through phone and email and it shouldnt be that way to stay connected with the people you love and care for. Your happiness is more important than this guy's selfish and self-centered ways. Once you ditch this loser begin to meet men who are going to have your best interests at heart and to treat you good. You deserve better never lower your standards for a loser since that's a good title for abusive people.