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You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Marriage > Abusive Relationships > It's just not that easy
Expert: Alina Neal
Date: 5/13/2008
Subject: It's just not that easy
Question
I just need someone to talk to about something that is bothering me. I am in my late twenties, and I was married to a man who was VERY abusive. He physically, emotionally and even sexually abused me. he put me into the hospital a couple of times. When I found out that I was pregnant for the second time, I made the difficult decision to have an abortion. I thought it was best. I know that it would make it all the more difficult to leave him, and I didn't want my child to be abused too or see me being abused.
The other day a group of my collegues got into a heated debate about abortion(they do not know that I had one recently. They said women who have them are "selfish" "irresponsible" "slutty" etc. It was very hurtful to me, even though it wasn't directed at me.
I stepped in and said that it is not black and white. A woman may have a good reason, such as being poverty stricken or in an abusive relationship.
And one of them responded with "oh give me a break. there are a lot of resources out there for abused women. She could just leave the relationship, and if he keeps bothering her, she could just move".
Oh my god. These women are so ignorant. I hope they never have ot know what its like to be in this situation. I tried everything from moving out and in with a friend, to getting a restraining order, to moving to another town. He finds me every time and manages to scare me into coming back. I feel certain that one day he will kill me. It is just a matter of time. The police are no help at all, and from the attitude of my colleagues I can tell people aren't very sympathetic to abused women. They blame us for not being strong enough to leave I wonder why I am the one who should have to leave the only home I have ever known, my family, my friends, turn my childs life upside down etc. i am the victim. I have not done anything wrong, yet I am the one who must suffer.
I just needed to get that all off my chest and talk to someone who would understand. Thanks for listening.
Marie
Answer
Marie
Abuse is a cruel cycle and the ones that live in this vicious cycle are so mentally torn down that sometimes it is hard to find themselves again. But with help it can happen.
Your right they would never know what its like till it happened to them. So pity them because they are ignorant and perhaps stay away from people this negative as you could never tell them enough for them to understand. The only way they would learn is if it happened to them directly.
Abortion is totally a womans choice! I have been personally on both sides of the spectrum. I had found out I was pregnant 2 months after I had left the abuser I was with. I struggled and tried to make things work. He went through all the motions that abusers go through and I won't go into detail on her how bad it was. But it was horrible! I was so stressed out that I had almost lost her when a pail of blood came out, doctors said it was stress so I put my feet up. When I was giving birth to my daughter, I started having blurry eyesight and the babys heartbeat went down. I was petrified to have a baby alone I had almost committed suicide because I was so scared but I did not want to cower. When my daughter came out she had died for 2 minutes, the doctor said it was because of the stress my body was under. I swore I would never go through that alone again, the ultrasounds, pain of being alone, mothering along, she was my only happiness. But I swore that I would never put another child through being fatherless or having a father for an addict, abuser and a totally horrible and vicious human being.
The next time I met someone and had just started getting to know them this was years after. My daughter was 4 years old. The man I was with had started showing signs when I got pregnant I had an abortion. I would not put myself through that again and so when these signs started I left!
Its our choice we are women, no one can tell us what to do or what is and what isn't right we make decisions that are good for our children and us and our future.
Have faith, not every woman thinks that nasty way!
Alina
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