About Alina Neal Expertise I can answer any questions concerning abuse whether it be physical, emotional and or sexual. I have been a counselor and a nurse in my life time and have lived and fought my way to being safe in all aspects.
Experience I have experienced every form of abuse and have lived through it, and come out of it stronger emotionally and physically.
Publications www.Helium.com
Education/Credentials Social work/psychology Human Relations/Counseling
Question QUESTION: I think my husband is emotionally abusive. He is always blaming me for things I do not even have control on, I can give hundreds of examples. Last week when shopping he asked me to keep an eye if anything fell off the cart. As he is pushing it it suddenly trembled, the time I said "watch it!" it fell off. He blamed it on me.
He also wants me to walk in front of the cart in the supermarket so I make the way for him to pass. It is also my fault if he forgets his cell phone because I distracted him.
When dating I told him that porn hurts my feelings and I couldn't tolerate it. In October last year I saw him watch porn and was about to leave him.
He promised he would never do it again. One year later I caught him again. But I am still here.
He doesn't get along with my parents. My mom more than once told me I should leave him. My parents are coming for a month and a half tomorrow and I worry they will fight. When my hubby fights he always wants me to defend him, only that many times I think he is wrong. I always give my parents a head up that if they see me being against them I am not being mean but it is just for mantaining peace.
I worry they will fight and my mom and dad will tell me again to leave him and with their support I really will and I will regret it later (my parents live in Italy).
I am at a point where I cannot tolerate this accusing any longer. However, I am also strongly determined to make this marriage work. I have always told myself I would leave him only if he cheated on me or hit me. He has not done either (yet).
I am lately being determined not to tolerate his behavior. Everytime he tells me it is my fault I talk back to him and tell him it's just a bunch of crap. I am aggressive now and a fighter. Of course he doesn't like it, he actually told me when mad that I am being too mean, that I changed and that he cannot tolerate me this way. I told him I turn this way only when he looks for it and that if he behaves he will get back the wife he had before. He said he will give me two weeks to change or he might leave me (I don't think he was seriuos but just mad)and I told him again that my behavior is a consequence of his so it'a all up to him! So now we are fighting more than before. I was wondering if this increase in fighting is a normal part of the healing process. Will I find peace behind this storm or is it just a loss battle? Am I doing the right thing? Sorry this turned out long but I live far away from friends and family and have nobody to talk to that can give me a neutral imput. Thank you!
ANSWER: Jane
Ask yourself what you are really fighting for? Its sounds like your fighting for someone who treats you like trash, someone who doesn't really love you or respect you. So now you need to ask yourself why you are fighting for a loveless marriage on his part! We do not always choose these things. I am sure when your first went into this marriage it was not like this. So yes you married him , but you married who he was not what he is now! Or if he was like this before maybe you were more tolerant. Surely your self esteem and bickering with him is bringing you down. I guarantee you won't be easy at first but after a couple of months of being alone you will have wondered WHY you hadn't left earlier?
Give him an ultimatum! Tell him its marriage counseling OR your gone for good! And darn well mean it! Once you leave, do not go back! It will only cause a vicious cycle and he will know you are not serious enough. He will only change if he really wants too! Most men that are emotionally abusive ( AND YES he IS!) like to have control and play little mind games like this. They will make you feel like you are always the one that is in the wrong because they want to control you. You need a counselor so that if this does not work out and even if it did , so that you will know when to leave and ask yourself a series of questions so that you do not attract this type again in the future!
Good Luck
Alina
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Thanks for replying. No he was not this way before, we did fight occasionally for stupid things but now it is so often and yes, I am much less tolerant. I really cannot afford counseling at this time, so this is why I am trying myself to fight off his bad behaviors.
He did want to go to counseling, but when we found the pricing we discovered it was prohibitive (no free services in my area:( and I do not like religious services)
I think that there must be a way to change his behavior without counseling. I am determined to do what I can. I know what I am fighting for, getting my hubby back, it feels like he is under a bad spell now. He hates his job and is suffering considerably to financially make ends meet, I just feel he is doing a big sacrifice in keeping the job for as long as he could. He cannot tolerate his coworkers any longer that are always making fun of him for his accent (he is italian) and tells me he is also having trouble being around people lately getting sweaty and nervous. He is very stressed and I just feel I cannot leave him now, marriage is for better and for worse and even if his behavior may be unacceptable I want to really try hard to make things work.
I have spent 11 years with this man and love him so much, we have spent so many good times together! I do not have the strenght to leave him at this time. Is it impossible to make things work out? I always thought that will power can fix anything. He has helped me so much when I suffered from petrifying panic attacks and just feel it is my turn to help him now.
Answer Jane
This is not just happening because he is stressed. When people are stressed yes they can be crabby and even bitter but they do not treat people they love like this.
See if you can go to counseling outside of your hometown even if that means an hour drive. This is your marriage on the line and you seriously need to do something.
I know that 11 years is hard but people change and sometimes you don't see the nasty side for years to come. I had been in an abusive relationship, except it was physically and emotional not just emotional although the emotional can hurt worse. I was with him for 7 years and he only started pushing me around during the 4th year and by the 7 year he was choking me. I had him charged and arrested!
Yes he has helped you out with problems in the past, but your problems were not abusive to him. It is the undying trademark of an abused woman to make up such excuses like the ones I am hearing from you. You cannot fix him and you cannot help him, he is not your problem to fix! He has to fix himself and if he cannot then you will end up wasting years of your life only to find that you may have done this for nothing.
