AboutAzure Expertise can answer all relationship questions involving unhealthy, addictive, or otherwise unhappy arrangements, except those involving the legalities of physical abuse..
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Expert: Azure Date: 5/6/2008 Subject: need advice for myself and my sons. please help
Question I have been in a relationship with boyfriend for three and half years. Living with him for one year. There has been verbal, emotional and physical abuse for two and a half years. He has stopped physical abuse for two months but verbal and emotional abuse has not. I am college degreed professional who is financially independent, with two sons, one four and my youngest by him, who is one year. I need good advice to figure out how to best protect myself and my sons.
Physical abuse has happened about 25 times in two years. before, during and after my pregnancy I have been kicked in stomach, slapped in face and head, punched in face and head and arms, poked in my temple, pushed and shoved, spit at, and dragged down the hallway pregnant by my hair. I have been to emergency room five times. I have been called ho, bitch, slut, fake, mf, cunt, fat, evil, demon, devil, dumb ass, jerk, stupid, lazy, many many times in person, on vmail, texts and emails. slams doors in my face, ignores me, I have six police records of abuse. He has put me down and criticized me unfairly about how I handle my job and blames me that most of my family and friends don’t really like him. Our house has broken doors, marks on walls ect from him violently breaking into a room where the children and I were sleeping and pushing me into walls. He has hit his puppy with his hands so hard that I couldn’t stand it. He has begun sex with me on some occasions while I am asleep, which was strange to me. He has attempted to slap me and accidentally hit our son, as I was holding him when he was 4 weeks old, in the face. This was after he had already slapped me once. On another occasion, he began taking our son from me and held him while he’d slap me. He’d take my newborn from me and wouldn’t give him back during arguments.
He had a violent, abusive, dismissive mother and drug addicted abandoning father.
He seems to love our sons, as he favors boys to girls. He plays with them and won’t do much of the hard work, unless I ask him to. And I don’t bec he smokes marijuana and is forgetful, sluggish and many times irresponsible. He also gets angry and in rage when he has to work too hard at anything. My two boys are smart and full of energy and they require and deserve prompt and loving attention, so I do it myself.
I believe was doing more drugs than weed. He used to sweat profusely during his sleep when the house was cool..And it was winter time. Have seen him hide bags of some substance when id walk in as well. He would leave the house a lot. Hang at friends way too much to be 30 years old. He would act untrusting, erratic, abusive, mean and paranoid. He was very abusive and hard to live with then. I asked him whether he was taking something else and he’d get angry and or deny. But I didn’t believe him.
For about two months he had stopped hitting me. Said he’d do counseling but made no move to do so. He expressed that he was different and was changing. He began waiting for me to order first at restaurants, holding the door for me all the time, expressing his feelings more, taking care of me and protecting me. He was doing much less verbal and emotional abuse and if he did, it was minor and he’d apologize quickly. Seemed to just be doing weed and not the other substance anymore, as he wasn’t sweating at night or acting strangely. He was acting more rationally and helping a little more in the house. He was happier and more involved. For a month or so it was great.
But last week he switched back to the old guy again, he began verbal, emotional abuse again and picking fights. Spitting while yelling obscenities at me with clenched fists over me asking him a question twice. Getting very angry and screaming and cursing at me. calling me every name in the book when he doesn’t get his way or we have a disagreement. Accusing me of trying to hold him back in life, if he didn’t get his way. and screaming that I am preventing him from doing things which is absolutely not true. However when he’s not angry he says im the best thing that happened to him. When I cry, from his bad treatment of me he calls me fake and cry baby and gets even angrier...yelling and threatening for me to stop crying. He rarely comforts me when I cry. I have also noticed that he is sweating heavily in his sleep again at night....AGAIN.
I am afraid of him at times when we are alone and feel absolutely happy with him sometimes… but not as much lately. And have thoughts that he’ll hurt me badly if I talk back or defend myself too much, so I say nothing. Most importantly so, i'm afraid of the negative effect he will have on my sons. Lately I feel like I must leave him, because I am further hurting my sons if I continue to stay in this. And I do not want to do that. I feel now like he will always act this way, going back and forth from good to very abusive behavior. It is frustrating, confusing, depressing, lonely and sad life half of the time.
I want to leave. Should I leave? And if so how do I stay away to break this horrible cycle I am in? How do I stop believing he will change?
Answer you're a smart lady--we both know you should have left LONG AGO, but your low self-esteem, addictive tendencies, have prevented you; certainly you're not there for the positive experience; he may change, but only for the worse; so you devise a plan to leave ASAP, and when you have a doubt, ask yourself, do you want to live in pain, fear, lonliness, quiet desperation??...if so, stay...ps get counseling to help u..
