AboutEugenia Springer, Ph.D. Expertise I can answer your questions on how to stop being a victim, and/or how to stop being an abuser. My ability to help you, however, would depend on your willingness to assume full responsibility for helping yourself.
Experience From the 1970s to the present, my life has been a search after knowing my purpose, knowing myself, and knowing God. I talk about this search in my 2002 book, "Further Insights Into the Journey".
After years of teaching biology at university, I became a radio Family Life Counselor, and a newspaper columnist, responding to callers on radio, and replying to letters from the public, in the newspapers.
My book for the adolescent girl, "Girl, It's All About You"(Review & Herald Publishers 1980, and out of print) was my attempt to marry my field of training--biology, and my adoptive field--interpersonal relationships.
"Further Insights Into the Journey" is about my search for personal freedom--a search for freedom from external controls; for freedom from fear. Through very instructive experiences, many sorely trying, I uncovered that freedom within me, and found myself progressively experiencing increasingly greater measures of peace.
To get your copy of "Further Insights Into The Journey" email me at hftpproductions@tstt.net.tt.
Currently I am the host and producer of two weekly call-in radio programs. You can access our station online at www.power102fm.com. My programs are:
(1) "Life & Living/Soul to Soul", Wednesdays, 11:00 AM to 12:00 Noon; and
(2) DIALOGUE, Wednesdays 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM. DIALOGUE connects our national radio audience with our Trinidad & Tobago/Caribbean Diaspora, and other listeners beyond our shores.
Access Dialogue by going to www.power102fm.com from 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM local Trinidad and Tobago time on Wednesday nights. Communicate with callers and studio personnel through our message board; or call any of the four telephone numbers listed: Toronto, London, Miami, and New York. Call through the number nearest you.
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Question my boyfriend and i got in to a physical and verbal fight, and i left, he emailed me an apology saying that i am truly sorry and i truly love you and he is just as shocked as i am. He realizes that he messed up and that he really does care about me. He doesnt know why he did this. Is he meaning this and should i go back? Do you think this will happen again or was he not thinking?(like all men don't)
Answer Heather,
That last statement "or was he not thinking?(like all men don't)", is a generalization. You give your relationships a greater chance to work when you abstain from generalizations. Generalizations are like stereotypes. They allow you to miss out on what is uniquely different about the individual, to miss out on observing how they cope with their challenges, and how they use their strengths.
When we generalize or stereotype, we are more prone to disrespect.
Just thought I should point that out before turning to the very serious situation in which you have found yourself--using violence in an attempt to resolve conflicts instead of relying solely on your thinking and verbal skills.
You both got into the verbal fight because evidently neither of you was willing to stop the battle of the egos long enough to listen to what the other person was feeling. Fights result from frustration; frustration over not being understood. So when you knock out each other, you are really releasing your disgust over this person's refusal to respond as you want him to respond, and his refusal to do what you are demanding; so if you could shake him up violently, to clear his ear of whatever seems to be blocking your message from getting into his head, you would shake him up.
Fighting is never about love. It is always about the "I". What "I want". It is the language of disrespect.
Healthy relationships are built on a foundation of mutual respect. You first have to take responsibility for your own happiness, and know that if the other person is getting angry then some behavior of yours could be triggering off their feelings of insecurity. This is a time to be observant, and let the other person know that you are observing some behavior that looks like discomfort to you. Your tone of voice and body language would tell the person if you really care about how he feels or if you are out to manipulate him and play with his emotions.
Remember, every one of us has our stories that drum through our head till we could find some way to quiet them. And we have to survive with our memories, and how we interpret our worth against the background of our stories. Even as this young man shows interest in you he could get you mixed up in the drama memories keep recycling through his head.
You cannot rely on a lover to look out for your wellbeing all the time; his preoccupation with his own emotional survival could get in the way of his best intentions.
When you genuinely care about another you learn to quiet those discouraging voices memory keeps drumming in your head, long enough to allow you to listen, to get a sense of how the other person feels, and what they expect of you in the relationship. If you cannot give what they (he) want(s), you know where not to go in the relationship. The relationship might have to stay at casual friendship level even though you feel some mutual attraction, because in listening to his story you have become aware that his approach to dealing with his issues would not allow him to be the kind of companion you could be comfortable with.
Once a boyfriend has hit, and fought with, you, you have been warned. What would going back tell him? That if he makes that mistake again, you would be upset, but you would forgive him again?
That is how abusive relationships are born.
Your challenge is not your ex-boyfriend, Heather. It is your way of thinking. Your way of processing information got you into that spat, and gave the young man permission to fight with you.
I recommend that you talk with a Counselor about your approach to problem solving. When you leave a relationship you should never return to it until you have talked it over with someone who could help you clarify what you did that could have been done differently.
And read about "Communication in Healthy Relationships". Also, google the term, "co-dependency", and learn from those articles.
Take care of yourself, for no one else can. Boyfriends would give to you only the quality of respect you by your behavior, demand. Stoop to verbal and physical violence, and you invite verbal and physical violence.
Show zero tolerance for any behavior that crosses the line of mutual respect, and you would not have to ask if you should go back over that line.
