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Question I am seeking some guidance on what to make of my current relationship. It is causing me great confusion.
I have now been in this relationship for a year and a half, and its been the craziest year and a hf of my life.
It's a long story i guess... i met this guy through my band, he started callin me all the time, wantin to hang a lot, we both had a relationship already when we met, he dumped the girl he was with to pursue me, which i didn't realize, i just assumed they were having problems. anyways.. after a couple months of him doin this he hit on me, and asked me out, i said no, he kept pursueing.. he was so charming, funny, handsome, talented.. etc.
i budged. tho, i was terrifed.. i did.
everything was great fer a while... slowly i learnt so much bout him, he has a drinking problem, tho it's more under control now, it was brutal (comes from an abusive past, was moved from foster home to foster home) so yeh, he has issues there. the drinking has calmed down now, he still slips and has his binges, but in comparison to what they were thats the least of my complaints...
its all the other changes. i feel like the man he presented himself to me as and the man he has become are two different people... i know who i fell in love with, this was a man that seemed to care bout me, my feelings, what i had to say, things i wanted to do..
now, it seems to be all about him. but, at the same time, i am uncertain.
he will spend days upon days on the internet, and if i ask him to spend time with me, he freaks out on me, tells me i am demanding, or says things like
"you should just be content we live together. what the hell else do i have to do?"
so, i don't even bother anymore, just sit alone everynight. just to spare a fight.
he also seems to get angry over every little thing these days. he'll tell me in one hr that he loves me so much, etc.. then.. say maybe i left the tap dripping er something by accident, in the same hour he'll flip out.. bout something so minor.
i try to talk about my feelings to him, he tells me i am crazy
i try and explain them he tells me to fuckin leave him alone
and if i say something he doesn't like he tells me its over and he's leaving
but he stays.
then things will be ok for a few days, of course, as long as i let him sit on the computer, do not dare ask to hang out with him, etc.
thing is bout the computer, all the things iliked to do on there he made me stop doing because he was worried i would cheat on him, so i did, so that he would believe i wasn't up to anything, now, he is on the computer all the time. he says, its ok because hes not up to no good, as i was, and i mean in some regards sure, i was more into networking sites.. myspace, facebook, etc, so there is other people there, and his interest is in music gear and buying and trading.. but i dunno... i have caught him looking at porn tho
but he says thats totally different because its just looking, not interacting, so therefore, he is not doing anything wrong
but me having a myspace still is.
i don't know what to do.
this is all just the tip of the iceburg.
if i get upset the way he gets upset he calls me all sorts of names, "asshole, jerkoff, bitch, etc."
if i get mad about anything he's leaving. if he's mad about something i should just do what he says.
if i get money, i buy groceries etc, he'll throw all the things he needs and wants into the cart.. if i deny him anything he asks, he calls me cheap or stingy..
if he gets money and i throw whatever i want in the cart, he then goes on and on about "his money" i am spending"his money" blah blah blah.
he freaked out on me one day because i got cash and bought myself a pack of smokes. just snapped that i was selfish and an asshole, and next time i have money think of him, don't get a pack to share etc.
yet, everytime he has money, he buys himself a pack, not me. if i even go to take one he gets all"hey those are my smokes" or, "get your own" so i will say, well u didn't buy me any
"oh get over it"
shit like that is his response.
i don't know what my question is. i mean he can be pretty loving, and caring.. but other times he is all the opposite, so i am confused. i don't know which side of him is the real side anymore.
even with sex, he used to inniate sex, etc. now he never does. i have to. and when i try he tells me to stop forcing it and let it happen naturally.. so i wait and wait and nothing happens
if it does its like a chore to him now.. he'll have it to get himself off, and getting me off is a chore, he just basically gets me to do it on my own.
i am so confused and need guidance but i don't know where to go...
is this contradicting behavior normal?
is it something i should accept?
or is it truly me? i don't know anymore if i am the crazy one or not..
please help.
Answer consider this your life saving wake up call--you are in an abusive, addictive, unhealthy relationship and need to get out ASAP; this arrangement will only get worse, as it will continue to suck the very life out of you, and have long term consequences; the jerk you're with is not capable of real love, is totally self-absorbed, insensitive, and emotionally abusive; the fact that you are still in it means that your low self-esteem, insecurities, neediness, are major issues that are leading you to these unfortunate circumstances; if you can't manage to leave on your own, i highly recommend counseling to help you--if you feel you can leave without it, i STILL recommend it to discover why you allowed yourself to be treated this way, so that future relationships won't fall into the same pattern...
