Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 5/16/2008

Question
I am in a second marriage. My first marriage ended when my husband of twenty years became unfaithful and wanted to have an open marriage. I am 54. I have been in this relationship for 13 years and married for almost 10. The situation has become steadily worse. My husband is not a great communicator and chooses silence. He says he doesn't get mad, isn't mad, nothings wrong, nothing happened, "you're in a mood" and will not talk to me except to answer a question for days and up to three weeks. This has gone on for about 5 years. I have tried to talk about it, have separated myself and kept busy with friends and family. When I have decided to end the marriage - he has begged me to stay. In seeing an attorney I found out that I will loose a great deal financially because I have a 401 K and retirement and he doesn't. I am 54 - he is 40. But I ask myself at what point do I sacrifice financial security for emotional well being - is this a serious enough form of abuse to end a ten year marriage - a second marriage.

Answer
Jenn,

Is this a serious enough form of abuse to end a ten year marriage -- a second marriage?

You asked the question.  You answer it, Jenn.  From what you say it seems that this gentleman holding the position of 'husband' can be truly engaging in conversation whenever you decide to leave.  He even appeals to you not to leave.

Considering that he demonstrates, according to you, no concern about your feelings when he chooses to be noncommunicative, we are left to wonder if this man sees marriage to you as a financial investment, some sort of financial safety net.

I salute you for thinking too honorably of yourself to settle for less than you deserve.  But, in addition to moving on, you should go and talk about your life and your choices of a mate, with a psychotherapist.  Talk for self-awareness.  Find out why you chose on both occasions, men who evidently did not esteem you highly enough.

Age does matter.  When there is true love it may not, but I would still caution that you look into why you would marry someone so many years your junior.  Seek to understand the type of thinking and self-talk that contributed to two less-than-satisfying relationships.  

Be thankful for what these experiences are meant to teach you; and learn the lesson.  If you do not benefit from past experiences you risk having a repeat of the past.  

Life holds many joys in store for us.  Learn the lessons your experiences are meant to teach you, and give yourself a chance to enjoy a mutually satisfying relationship.

Blessings.

Dr. ES