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You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Marriage > Abusive Relationships > Why can't I leave?
Expert: Azure
Date: 5/15/2008
Subject: Why can't I leave?
Question
I've never done this before but I don't really know where to go, so here I go.
I'm 26 and been with my boyfriend for four years, he's 29 and I love him and want him to be the one, but I don't think he is the one. He has anger issues and won't open up to me no matter what I say or do, He goes into to a cycle were if I try to talk to him about anything of relevencs in our relationship like how I feel or what I want or what he wants or how he feels it just goes into a verbally abusive argument from his side. I know it's not my fault and I take no responsebility for him and his really mean and abusive ways but I don't know why I can't leave. He doesn't hit me I just wanted to make that clear but he does abuse me in every other way. He's never cheated but he has female friends who are strippers who he hangs out with, ex-girlfriends who he still carrys on "friendships" with that are not sexuel but very close, he watches porn all the time and of course has the magazenes. He doesn't please himself without me there cause he wants me to enjoy everything with him. Thats just one part of everything, again if I try to talk to him about anything at all that he might not like he finds a way to blame me or if he can't his world famous answer is if you don't like it don't deal with it. So my question is why do I deal with it? I blame love but maybe that's too simple, I guess I could go on and on about our unhealthy relationship but but I'm not trying to figur him out, I konw him. I want to know why I can have all my finances in great order, go to work at an amazing job that I went to school for, be close to my family, own a horse and compete, have good health and evrything else, but when it comes to him I just can't get it right no matter how hard I try I know I should leave him but I don't want to cause I love and he can normally make me happy as long as I ignore what he's doing wrong and don'y try to fix it. So why do I stay? what's wrong with that I know well enough that this isn't something I want to deal with forever but I won't leave? Please any advise would be great, thank you
Answer
sounds like a real winner--"love" has nothing to do with it; when people speak of love when there is nothing very loveable about an abusive partner, and can't leave, it's usually because they're in a dependent, addictive arrangement, necessitated by insecurity and low self-esteem; coming to your senses could mean you first need to seek counseling, unless this wake up call is sufficient to make you realize that precious time from your life is passing, that this will only get worse, that its' unhealthiness could make you susceptible to physical illness, and that the time to save your life is NOW, before quiet desperation leads to total depression..
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