AboutAzure Expertise can answer all relationship questions involving unhealthy, addictive, or otherwise unhappy arrangements, except those involving the legalities of physical abuse..
Experience see bio under "general dating questions"
Expert: Azure Date: 5/2/2008 Subject: Am i virgin enough
Question QUESTION: i was 15 and innocent about sex when my then boyfriend of 19 years started talking and doing sexual things..our contact was through phone..he started off being friendly,nothing else...then it took another turn and we became bf-gf over phone...he convinced me that bf-gf have no inhibitions between each other and that it meant giving ones body to the other too...it was really hard for me to digest but i reluctantly agreed...ive been raised in a closed society where sex is taboo,so is a discussion about it...so i believeed whatever he said...he asked me to meet him and we did,in a cafe,where he kissed me...i wanted it to feel good,but i didnt..he used to talk dirty things to me and introduced such words as 'pussy' in my vocabulary..he used to talk about porn and spoke rubbish about female celebrites and even the girls and married womenin our neighbourhood..i remember how much it horified me..one day he made me go to a house that belonged to him(the tenants were out at work) and that was the first time we ever saw each other with complete privacy...he didnt even say anything romantic or loving...instead he removed my top..i felt terrible but my resistance wasnt strong enough because i didnt want to be a bad girlfriend...he grabbed my breasts and i pushed him away weakly..he held my arms tightly away and did what he felt like doing...then he rubbed himself(clothed) over me and orgasmed...i started feeling like a slut and i still do(just prior to it i didnt even know that sex requires unclothed penetration)..it continued for another 3 times or so..i remember the first time he undresed himself...i was so scared i was when i saw his naked body and i almost shrieked because i had never seen the naked body of an adult man before,either in pictures or in real..he didnt even give me time to come to terms with it and made me do oral for him right away...the truth is i did it...he undressed me and lay on top of me,rubbed against me..he used to complain why i never showed signs of being turned on..i used to explain it must be because im young and that it would be better as i become older..the fact is ive never derived any sexual pleasure out of whatever he did to me or i did to him...i used to love him...and that seemed to compensate for all the dirty things i did..the emotional trauma was insufferable and finally i broke up with him just because i couldnt do it any further..i started high school and the guilt was eating on me..i became friends with a gem of a guy who respects me because according to him im not a slut that the most others are..ive never told this past of mine to anyone and that includes him...im 22 now and ive started to really really fall in love with this high school friend of mine who has ever been kind and loving to me without an inkling of ulterior motives...he is a virgin although he has had a number of hot women drooling after him...i feel unclean and debauched..i feel like i dont deserve him..i feel like a loser who doesnt deserve him or a happy romantic life for that matter..i know everything that happened to me is because of my own fault but id feel better if someone tells me its not so..am i a virgin enough?..i wasnt technically penetrated or on the recieving end of oral sex but i have given oral sex to a man whom i believe is a shame to mankind...i would have loved to have sex with a deserving man if it were not for this one person..i have even begun to think that i should never marry and make up for my lack of moral values...please help me
ANSWER: you have to change your perception; a) you did nothing wrong..b) many women have early sexual experiences that weren't enjoyable or regrettable; you no doubt are still a virgin, and you need to stop dwelling on these childhood experiences, and live in the PRESENT; life presents us with experiences, good and bad, for a reason..from them we learn, grow, make better decisions in the future; morally questionable acts involve deliberately trying to hurt someone for little or no reason, or involve something like deceit, disrespect, etc; your behavior back then has NOTHING to do with such abuses; so, it's time to say good-bye to these thoughts, realize that everything happens for a reason, throw away the guilt, set yourself free--life is too short to dwell on yesterday...i wouldn't really call it abuse--he was 19, had a girlfriend, sexual hormones were raging--certainly his approach was self-serving, inexperienced, crude, but i don't think he was purposely trying to hurt you..."lord forgive them, for they know not what they do.." is a good principle to follow..
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: he goes about telling everyone about everything..it hurts me and makes me feel shameful and guilty when someone asks me with a cheeky smile if i know him...it makes me feel terrible
Answer lesson #1--each person is responsible for their OWN feelings; you can CHANGE how you react; as i said, just forgive/feel sorry for him, or anyone that acts unjustly toward you; avoid such people, remain confident in who you are, don't worry about what these ignorant people think..
