AboutDavid Simonsen Expertise I can answer questions directly related to your challenging relationships. I will give you a straight forward answer to what I think the problem is.
Experience I have the experience needed to help you sort out how to work through your relationship. I meet weekly with people who have challenging relationships so let me help you!
Organizations AAMFT;AACC
Education/Credentials B.A. M.S. Marriage & Family Therapy
Expert: David Simonsen Date: 6/13/2008 Subject: Please help
Question Hi there. I am in quite the predicament here and I hope you can offer me some advice. I am a proud and strong feminist, and I have been for as far back as I can remember. My boyfriend has always been very supportive of my feminist views, and told me that he loved my independence and the fact that I was so opinionated and not afraid to speak my mind. He always considered himself a christian(while I am an atheist) but he was a liberal christian, and he was more spiritual than religious. He didn't believe in the christian dogma, and he was always open to new ideas and points of view.
Well, he has been going through a difficult time emotionally lately. He is incarcerated at the moment. He recently attempted suicide, and had what he calls a near death experience. He believes that "God" saved him, and now he is intent on living a "good Christian life". Now religion and the bible is ALL he can talk about, and he is convinced that christianity is the "Truth". He is not even open to a different perspective. I have noticed a drastic change in him since finding religion.
He has become posessive and controlling, and he talks down to me. Just the other day I received a very upsetting letter from him. He said that if he and I were ever going to marry I would have to "accept Jesus as my savior" and live my life according to the teachings of the bible. This includes giving up my feminism and independence, because "a good christian wife is subject to her husbands authority just like I am subject to christs authority".
Women's equality is something that I feel very strongly about, and biblical teachings pertaining to women's rights go against everything I stand for and believe in. He wants me to learn to be more "submissive" and "obedient" to him.
Also, he scolded me like a child the other day when I was flirtatious with him, telling me it is a sin for me to try to "tempt him" by putting "lustful ideas and thoughts" in his head. I told him that sex is natural and healthy, and something that is part of a mature and loving adult relationship. He basically told me to shut up(not in those words) because I am a woman, and must follow his lead. I was very insulted and angry, and quite frankly I am ready to break it off with him.
One of the reasons I fell in love with him was because he was not like the men I knew growing up. He treated women with respect, and viewed them as his equals. He has always valued my thoughts, feelings and opinions. Now they don't mean anything because I am a woman.
And one more thing. He told me that I would have to bear his children if we were to be married, and not use birth control because we have to be open to "gods will". even though I made it clear that I didn't want children, and that was something we had both agreed upon. I feel like even if there was a god, he gave us a brain for a reason. so that we could make intelligent, thoughtful and rational decisions. We are not meant to be puppets. We have minds of our own. It also bothers me because I am highly diabetic and therefore at a high risk of complications. He is willing to risk my life?!
Sorry for the long e-mail but it's a difficult situation to explain in such a short space. Could you please share your thoughts on this? I am confused and upset, and I don't know who to turn to. I feel that since I was honest with him from the beginning about who I was(I haven't changed he has) it isn't fair of him to expect me to change to plase him. Please help.
Lisa
Answer Lisa,
here are my thought. It seems that since you are opposed to what his worldview brings to the table you need to think about moving on. He was also honest from the beginning with who he was I assume. Then something traumatic happened and he changed as I understand it. Dating is when you get info to find out if you are going to stay with someone. You are getting info that lets you know the future of this relationship is not healthy. If you try to change him that would be unfair. So I think you need to sit with him and lay out what you have laid out here and see what he says. Because you said several times in this post that you are a "strong feminist" I wonder if you are being shown that you may have some irrationality with your beliefs. Who knows I don't know you, but I wonder given what you have said. Now faced with something that doesn't "buy" into what you believe you are feeling threatened.
David
www.help4life.net
