Expert: Dana Q - 6/16/2008

Question
QUESTION: Hi there. I am in quite the predicament here and I hope you can offer me some advice. I am a proud and strong feminist, and I have been for as far back as I can remember. My boyfriend has always been very supportive of my feminist views, and told me that he loved my independence and the fact that I was so opinionated and not afraid to speak my mind. He always considered himself a christian(while I am an atheist) but he was a liberal christian, and he was more spiritual than religious. He didn't believe in the christian dogma, and he was always  open to new ideas and points of view.

Well, he has been going through a difficult time emotionally lately. He is incarcerated at the moment. He recently attempted suicide, and had what he calls a near death experience. He believes that "God" saved him, and now he is intent on living a "good Christian life". Now religion and the bible is ALL he can talk about, and he is convinced that christianity is the "Truth". He is not even open to a different perspective. I have noticed a drastic change in him since finding religion.

He has become posessive and controlling, and he talks down to me. Just the other day I received a very upsetting letter from him. He said that if he and I were ever going to marry I would have to "accept Jesus as my savior" and live my life according to the teachings of the bible. This includes giving up my feminism and independence, because "a good christian wife is subject to her husbands authority just like I am subject to christs authority".

Women's equality is something that I feel very strongly about, and biblical teachings pertaining to women's rights go against everything I stand for and believe in. He wants me to learn to be more "submissive" and "obedient" to him.

Also, he scolded me like a child the other day when I was flirtatious with him, telling me it is a sin for me to try to "tempt him" by putting "lustful ideas and thoughts" in his head. I told him that sex is natural and healthy, and something that is part of a mature and loving adult relationship. He basically told me to shut up(not in those words) because I am a woman, and must follow his lead. I was very insulted and angry, and quite frankly I am ready to break it off with him.

One of the reasons I fell in love with him was because he was not like the men I knew growing up. He treated women with respect, and viewed them as his equals. He has always valued my thoughts, feelings and opinions. Now they don't mean anything because I am a woman.

And one more thing. He told me that I would have to bear his children if we were to be married, and not use birth control because we have to be open to "gods will". even though I made it clear that I didn't want children, and that was something we had both agreed upon. I feel like even if there was a god, he gave us a brain for a reason. so that we could make intelligent, thoughtful and rational decisions. We are not meant to be puppets. We have minds of our own. It also bothers me because I am highly diabetic and therefore at a high risk of complications. He is willing to risk my life?!

Sorry for the long e-mail but it's a difficult situation to explain in such a short space. Could you please share your thoughts on this? I am confused and upset, and I don't know who to turn to. I feel that since I was honest with him from the beginning about who I was(I haven't changed he has) it isn't fair of him to expect me to change to plase him. Please help.

Lisa

ANSWER: Hi Lisa,

Thanks for writing to me.  Wow.  As a childless, feminist, borderline atheist let me say I can completely appreciate where you're coming from.  You must be flabbergasted by this turn of events.  I think one of two things may be going on here:

Scenario A: He has totally flipped his wig due to the personal problems he's been having.  

Scenario B: He really felt this way all along and kept it a secret with the intention of gradually convincing you to "see the light".

Maybe it's a little of both.  I don't know how long the two of you have been together, but I find it very hard to believe that this obsession with God and relgion came out of nowhere.  Some people are so eager to become involved in a romantic relationship that they talk themselves into loving someone who isn't right for them, all the while hoping that they will be able to mold the object of their affection into the perfect mate.  I think at the very least it's safe to say he probably downplayed his religious side when he decided he wanted to date an atheist.  The personal issues may have exacerbated the obsession to a point where he couldn't hide it from you any longer.  

Regardless of what his caused it, you have seen his true colors.  Now you have to decide whether you can live with it or not.  In my opinion, the two of you are diametrically opposed on the key issues people need to basically agree on for a successful long-term relationship.  Religion, equality, kids and birth control - these are all dealbreakers.  You can't change who you are and neither can he, nor should either of you have to.  Trying to change yourself will only lead to frustration and unhappiness.  You are right - you were honest and up-front about who you were when you met him.  It doesn't sound like he afforded you the same honesty.  That's an incredibly bad sign - it's an omen for more deception, frustration, and disappointment to come.

I know that there's probably a big part of you that wants to believe this is just a temporary, stress-induced phase, but this extreme behavior seems to suggest that there are deeper issues here.  I think ultimately you know the answer is that this isn't the right relationship for you.  I would suggest you leave now to spare yourself more pain and heartache.

Sorry I couldn't have given you more positive news.

Good Luck,

Dana Q

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi there. Thank you for your response. It's neat that you are a feminist too. A lot of people have so many misconceptions about feminism, and it's nice to come across people who are of likemind. Can you believe I had a colleague tell me that perhaps this whole situataion was exposing the fact that I held "irrational" views, and that the reason I didn't want to be with my boyfriend anymore was because I felt threatened? Some people are so ignorant.

I think you are right, and I have made the decision to end the relationship. I hope you don't mind one follow up question. For future reference, do you think it is ever okay to change something about yourself to please a partner? Do you think it is ever okay to ask your partner to change something about himself to please you? I have always believed that it isn't fair to ask someone to change, especially if you knew who they were to begin with.

Like for instance, a close friend of mine fell head over heels in love with a guy who traveled with a carnival. I tried to warn her that she was headed for heartbreak. It isn't that he wasn't a nice guy. He was quite intelligent and interesting in fact. Very funny and fun to be with. But his lifestyle just wasn't conducive to a long term relationship. But she didn't listen. When she started talking about settling down, getting married, having kids etc he totally freaked out. She wanted them to buy a house, settle down in one place, start a family. She wanted him to get a better paying, stable job. But that wasn't who he was. He was just too much of a free spirit. In the end, he left her. Said he loved and cared about her very much, but just couldn't be the person she wanted him to be. And I remember thinking how incredibly unfair she was being to him. She knew he had been doing this since he was sixteen, and that he LOVED it! It was an important part of his identity. It was the only place he ever felt a sense of belonging. If she really loved him, she wouldn't have wanted to take that away from him. That is how I feel.

Anyway, thank you for your time. Your answer was very helpful. I will be sure to nominate you as volunteer of the month.

Sincerely,

Lisa

Answer
Lisa,

Thanks so much for your kind words.  I am glad you found my advice to be helpful.

To answer your question, I think that being flexible and adaptable is part of any successful relationship.  Getting used to one another's little idiosyncracies and perhaps changing the way you do things because of them is one thing.  However, changing key things about yourself, or asking your partner to change key things about himself like core values and beliefs, lifestyle, etc., is quite another.  I think it's a recipe for disaster, personally.  You are only bound to make each other unhappy and resentful that way.  I think you are doing the right thing by ending this relationship.  There is no way you would be happy if you stayed in it.

Dana Q