Expert: Dana Q - 6/29/2008

Question
Hello Dana
I left my husband 3 months ago , because of his bahaviour which was emotionally and verbally abusive. We were married for 5 years and have a son who is nearly 2 now. I moved into a womens refuge and started divorce proceedings.

Now I am having second thoughts.I think this is because I have recently had a lot of email and telephone contact with my husband. He says he loves me and will do what it takes to be a better husband to me. He says he is willing to do counselling, himself, and has already reflected a lot on his behaviour.
Now the cynical part of me says "oh yes, this part of the cycle of abuse , where the abuser tries to be nice and loving in order to manipulate in a different way". We have a court hearing coming up to do with residence (custody) of our child, who is with me, but I want this formalised as my husband and his mother have threatened to take my son away from me.So I think he is subtly trying to get me to back down over this, although he says now he won't fight me over it.
Another part of me wonders can people really change? If they are really willing to put the effort in?And should I give him another chance?
Because I still love him, and if he could get insight into his behaviour and sort out some of his anxieties and insecurities, then maybe he would not feel the need to treat me in that way? And also , we had a lot of good times and although I know I have the mental resources to survive on my own as a single parent, if I thought there was a chance I could have a happy marriage with a bit of serious effort , then I would rather have that.
I know it is up to him, to want to change and to put the effort in, I cant do this for him.
Neither can I be reassured by his words alone, I would have to see and feel real change before I could consider a reconciliation, and I do not want to back down over any of the legal processes as if I had to start them again this would set me back by months.
It is hard for me to trust him based on his word alone, at the moment.
Any insight you can share would be appreciated
Catherine  

Answer
Hi Catherine,

Thanks for writing to me.  Yes, some people are capable of change; however, abusers generally are not because they rarely accept that their behavior is wrong.  In order for them to truly change their behavior, they must seek professional help for their abusive tendencies and commit to spending years in therapy.  This is a rare occurence since abusers view themselves as the only smart/sane/correct people in the world while everyone else, particularly their victims, are stupid/crazy/wrong.  Most domestic abuse experts agree that abusers rarely change, which is why you did the right thing by leaving your husband.  While it may be tempting to think that 3 months of separation may have prompted a major change in him, it's unrealistic.  I believe he is manipulating you in order to get custody of your son.  You are correct that this is merely another trip back through the cycle of abuse.  Follow your head instead of your heart on this one - do not yield to his manipulations.  You and your child will be far better off in a non-abusive environment.

Good Luck,

Dana Q