Expert: Dana Q - 6/13/2008

Question
I was wondering if you can help me.  My boyfriend he's always thinking I am going to cheat on him.  Earlier today I noticed this rash he always gets from time to time on his back, and I told him that he should wait a day to see if it goes away or gets worse and then hes like no I am going to go to the doctors.  So he started watching tv and I was like when are you going to the doctor?  That's what started it all today, he's like why do you want me to leave?  I was like I just asked you a question.  He just always thinks I am cheating on him.  Or when I go out with my dad, he spoils me and our daughter a lot and when I come home with things he asks who I got it from and he thinks I am sleeping with people so they will buy me things.  He is always getting mad at me for being "lazy" but anything I do he will get mad.  Like, if its not done his way its not the right way.  He never lets me go out with my friends, and I like to go out to the bar once in a while and if i go on a Friday and a Saturday he freaks out and will be like oh so is this what you're gonna start doing, drinking all the time.  I have to ask him for everything.  I have to ask him to go out, have people over, what I can buy, when I can do whatever.  Before I met him, I was very very beautiful.  I always made sure I went out nicely dressed, make up on, hair done the whole nine.  Now he gets angry hes so impatient, and if he has an appointment early in the morning I will take the time to get ready, and when I meet up with him later he asks why I have makeup on and who I put it on for.  Its like I always used to do this, why would it be for someone else?  He made me delete all of the guys from my msn messenger.  He always says stuff like oh none of my guy friends would let their girlfriends talk to guys on their, or on the phone.  I have a few best guy friends and he doesn't want me to talk to them or hangout with them because he says guys only want one thing, they just want to get in my pants and I know for a fact that they do not want that from me.  I have never been in a serious relationship before so I am not sure if this is like okay? Or normal?  We are on social assistance right now, and he won't get a job.  He has gotten 3 jobs handed to him on a silver platter, jobs that were the kind he wanted and he made excuses why he can't work or he just wouldn't go.  Then everytime I got a job he would say that I am not spending enough time with him and my daughter.  Or on my way to work he would say things to my daughter like, oh dont worry jenny mommy will have time for you some day.  He makes me feel all bad and I have to quit, then when we don't have a job he gets mad when I want extra things.  Is this emotional abuse?  Please help.

Answer
Hi Ashley,

Thanks for writing to me.  Yes, this is absolutely emotional abuse, and you need to get out of this relationship immediately.  He is not only hurting you; he is also hurting your daughter.

The first thing you need to do is to educate yourself about emotional and verbal abuse.  Here are some links that you may find helpful:  

http://www.lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/

http://eqi.org/eabuse1.htm

http://www.drirene.com/verbal1.htm

http://www.drirene.com/cyclesof.htm

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effec...

Secondly, you need to ask your family for help.  It is important that you find a safe place for you and your daughter to stay.  Keep in mind that when you do leave, your boyfriend will make every attempt to get you to stay.  He will make you feel guilty, he will make you feel like you can't make it without him, he will beg for your forgiveness and promise to change.  Don't believe him.  These are all things abusers say to get you to stay in the relationship so that they can continue to abuse you.  Abusers do not change, because they never admit that they have done anything wrong - they just shift the blame to their partner.

I hope that this helps you.  Please, please, please get out of this relationship and remove your daughter from this toxic environment as soon as possible.

Good Luck,

Dana Q