Expert: Dana Q - 6/20/2008

Question
I have been with my boyfriend for about 6 years now. It has been a very love / hate relationship, over the last few years we have argued over silly and stupid things to the point where we may not speak to each other for days. At times when we argue my boyfriend raises his voice to the point of really shouting and swears. I have told him i do not like it, I find it quite disrespectful, but he says its him and he cannot change. We have split up over our arguments but then got back together as we both admit the arguments are petty and silly. He apologises for swearing and says he will try not to next time. However this never happens. Last week we had a silly and very petty argument, we were both to blame and i admit that the argument was stupid. We both gave as good as each other. However, at one point my boyfriend pushed me resulting in me smacking my head on the floor. I felt that this was wrong as i never touched him even though i may have felt like it. I have asked my boyfriend to seek help to manage his anger. He has been to the doctor, however she did not refer him to any anger management groups, but is going to speak to a councellor to see if she can help him in anyway. We are still arguing over this as my boyfriend believes that there is a huge difference between pushing someone and hitting someone which he has never and says will never do. I am unsure really where to take this, as we have differing ideas and opinions.

Answer
Hi Sammy,

Thanks for writing to me.  You are right to be concerned about this behavior.  During an argument with someone you love, physical conntact of any kind isn't acceptable.  While your boyfriend may think that pushing someone and hitting someone are different, the fact is that you could have been seriously hurt when you smacked your head on the floor.  Lots of men make promises that they will never hit their girlfriend or wife and break them.  Domestic abuse usually begins by a pattern of controlling, jealous behaviors and verbal abuse, gradually escalating into greater and greater physical violence which can ultimately be fatal.  While it's great that your boyfriend acknowledges that this is a problem and is willing to seek help, please be aware that you need to prepare yourself for the possibility that you may need to walk away from this relationship permanently.  The best thing you can do right now is to educate yourself.  Some women are in abusive relationships without even really realizing it.  There is a lot of information on domestic abuse on the web.  Here is a link I found that might help you to determine if there are other factors in your relationship that indicate it's abusive:

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_c
auses_effects.htm1

Please find out as much as you can, and really think about whether this relationship is healthy.  It might very well be time for you to move on, before the violence escalates.

Good Luck,

Dana Q