Expert: Nafeesah - 6/11/2008

Question
I am a 28 year old female in a relationship with a 27 year old female. She has many male characteristics and pretty much acts like a man. anyhow, we have been together for about a year and a half. I have isolated mysef from all my freinds and if I try to make any new freinds whether female or male it doesnt matter she thinks they either want to have sex with me and I probably do too otherwise I wouldnt take up for them by saying they dont. We constantly fight and break up and make up almost always over what couldve happened or what I probably want. If I deny it Im a liar. She calls me a whore and a stupid bitch when she gets mad all the time. I love her and she really loves me she is just very insecure about me and thinks I have to be sneaky. I recently got a job in a state far away but we have been trying the long distance thing. Even though you would think this would be the perfect time for an "out" I still always go back to her or accept her back. She is starting to feel neglected and accuses me of doing all my coworkers. In the same breath she talks about our future and how I am the only person she trusts. She just doesnt trust m not to cheat. The last time she came down her she found a letter I had wrote and ex before we got together and it got physical. Id like to think it wont be that way again but we havent been around eachother since. What is really confusing is I see so much potential in my future without her and I know I could find someone who would treat me so much better. I dont know why my heart wont let me leave. Do you have any advice?

Answer
Anyway you look at it gay or straight you're being abused because if you're isolating yourself from friends and if you begin to make new ones you're being accused of getting intimately involved with them. This sounds all too familiar to me because my now ex-boyfriend of 5 years did this to me isolating me from friends and accusing me of having sex with other men which wasnt true at all he was just looking to start stuff. I am going to be honest with you and please understand where I am coming from with this, but this relationship is not about love it's about control this is what abuse is. My ex tried to pull that needs neglected crap and after a while it got stupid. If you had a physical confrontation it's time to get out of this relationship. When it gets to the point where physical violence is eminent it's time to get out. It never gets better after that because women who are victims of domestic violence seem to find reasons to stay when they only put themselves in further danger.

Abuse victims will be in denial of their situation and the fact of the matter is you need to get out of this relationship before it esclates into something more serious. You may love someone, but if they're physically violent with you that's not love and if they're calling you degrading names and putting you down that's not love. If you're being wrongfully accused with no evidence and being called a liar that's not love. If you're dating someone who's got self-esteem and security issues this can affect you and it has affected you because you're feeling like you're walking on eggshells dealing with your partner's behavior. You need to get out of this relationship and start over since you moved to another state and got a new job this is the time to make a clean start and make new friends and rekindle friendships that you left behind and cut off those who have contact with your ex so that they're not telling her what you are up to.

You need to be with someone who's not abusive and treats you with kindness and respect. Ask yourself do you want a future with someone who treats you like you don't matter and tells you how worthless you are? Would you want to be in a relationship with someone who gets into a physical altercation over something petty? These are important questions to ask yourself when you are in a relationship. You owe it to yourself to get out of this relationship and move on to a healthy relationship where the person you're with treats you with trust, love and respect. Too many women gay and straight are constantly staying in relationships that are abusive and June 16th is the 2 year anniversary since I left my boyfriend since he was abusive and my life has been wonderful every since. My health has improved I am not depressed and I am doing things more with friends than I have ever done. I am interested in a great guy I have known for a long time and I have more enthusiasm towards things in life instead of tossing it aside because my boyfriend feels it's stupid and worthless.

You have to tell yourself that this is not healthy and you don't need to be in this relationship. I can't begin to explain how great your life will be once you are out of an abusive relationship you'll meet better people and start to look forward to having a life with someone who will treat you better and is going to support and love you and want a life with you. You seem to be nice girl who's worth more than the physical, emotional, and psychological abuse. Please get out of this before it gets out of hand. You deserve better than this.